Kate and I recently decided to simplify our lives. This is how elderly people announce the beginning of a disaster. “We have too much stuff,” I said. Kate looked around the room. This took several minutes because portions of the room have not been visible since the first Obama administration. “We do have a lot,” […]
In the summer of 1964, at the age of twenty-two, I boarded the RMS Queen Mary in Southampton, England, bound for New York. I was returning home after spending two years in New Zealand as a Mormon missionary. In those days, the LDS Church paid for a missionary’s transportation to the mission field and back […]
Chapter One — The Interview There are many ways for a young man to discover that the world is not arranged according to his expectations. Some learn it through war, some through marriage, and some—though it seems hardly fair—through a private interview with a man who speaks directly to God. Jerry Wonder was nineteen years […]
Georgia, 1871 The wagon arrived at dusk smelling of wet wool, despair, and British opinion. Inside sat the Whitcombe family of Sussex, England, each wearing the expression of people who had crossed an ocean expecting opportunity and instead found Georgia. Edgar Whitcombe sat bolt upright in a frayed traveling coat, a man born with the […]
Scientists have spent decades attempting to improve the lives of the elderly.1 Most of these efforts involve safer bathtubs, softer cereal, and pamphlets containing words large enough to be read from neighboring counties. Dr. Milton Vane had bigger ideas. Dr. Vane loved his parents. Unfortunately, they kept falling down. His father once fractured a wrist […]
For legal reasons, let us call it Universal Continental Global Mega Pictures Amalgamated. Or UCGMPA. Pronounced, I believe, by dropping a filing cabinet down an elevator shaft. The check was for a modest amount. So modest, in fact, that when I opened the envelope, my wallet looked at it and said, “Let’s not make this […]
There are now so many billionaires attempting to “disrupt” civilization that I fully expect one of them to announce a replacement for oxygen sometime before Christmas. Probably in a black turtleneck. Possibly standing beside a hologram. Certainly charging a monthly subscription fee. The basic version will allow breathing. The premium version will include sighing. Which […]
In the town of Pine Hollow, decent people did not discuss sex. They discussed weather. They discussed potatoes. They discussed whether Pastor Blevins’ sideburns suggested vanity. But sex itself remained hidden beneath layers of silence so dense that several local teenagers reached adulthood believing pregnancy could occur during square dancing if the fiddle player became […]
Americans have become increasingly fond of comparing the United States to ancient Rome. Usually this happens shortly after someone cuts them off in traffic, Congress passes another 4,000-page bill no one has read, or a billionaire launches himself into orbit wearing sunglasses shaped like democracy’s final warning. Personally, I blame cable television. And history. Mostly […]
The evening started dull, as most evenings did. You could watch a feature film in the Avalon, on Main Street in Coronation’s only movie theater. The Alberta tiny town featured nine hundred plus souls. You could wander over to Chong’s Café for a cold Coke and a warm piece of pie. You could shoot eight […]
It took four men to carry it down our basement. My father plugged in our new freezer and opened the cavernous contraption. “I’ve heard,” said Dad, “that kids have gotten into things like this, closed the lid and perished.”
My dear nephew Mandrake, Tomorrow you enter marriage. This is a wonderful institution built upon love, trust, companionship, compromise, and occasionally pretending you do not remember who scratched the Volvo. As a man who has been best man thirteen times, I feel obligated to pass along certain truths. First, women often say exactly what they […]
I found my nephew Mandrake standing beneath a large sign in Bel Air that read: NO SMOKING DURING FIRE SEASON. $1000 FINE. Unfortunately, Mandrake was holding matches. Not one match. A whole box. He also appeared to be attempting science. “Mandrake,” I said carefully, “what exactly are you doing?” “I was seeing if dry leaves […]
My wife and I are both close to eighty, and we’ve lived in the same condo in West LA for almost forty years. Once upon a time we were the youngest couple in the building. Now we are unquestionably the oldest. Young families move in and look at us the way archaeologists study pottery fragments. […]
For several centuries, a highly advanced civilization in a distant part of the galaxy had been watching Earth. Not carefully, you understand. More the way you watch a television in an airport bar when the sound is off and your flight has been delayed. Their instruments could detect movement, buildings, vehicles, fires, wars, breakfast cereal, […]
Dear Uncle Jaron, I have been invited to visit some wealthy friends. I really like them and when I am around them, they buy me gifts. How do I act in their home so they’ll ask me back? Any suggestions you might have would be greatly appreciated. Their servants kind of intimidate me. Your […]
Happy holidays from 1997. Time flies and and if you’re like many people, you might be flying this December. As my Christmas gift to you, here are a few handy travel tips. They’re perfect for the holiday season or any other time. Suppose you’re going to New York. Since there are no direct flights from Edmonton, […]
I just got back from Comdex in Las Vegas. The year is 1997 About a half zillion people attended Comdex, the largest computer/electronics show in the world. Did I see anything new? Nope. Just old things in different sizes. For example, huge flat-screen TV sets. Some would easily cover your living room wall, making Pavarotti’s […]
Every winter the yachts arrived at St. Barts like migrating steel whales with tax attorneys. The harbor filled with floating palaces owned by men who had reached that strange level of wealth where normal hobbies no longer worked. Golf was over. Women were complicated. Politics had become expensive. So they purchased boats the size of […]
News Item: Alberta is experiencing the warmest winter in over a century. Just before our latest deep freeze interrupted the balmy winter El Niño has blessed us with, I interviewed Charles Celsius, Ph.D. and world-famous meteorologist at the University of Alberta. “Dr. Celsius,” I asked, “people are saying that our weather is out of whack. […]
Medical science is marvelous but I have a major question. First, let’s talk about Botox and wrinkles. As people age, they accumulate wrinkles. Finally, when they are very old they’re just one big wrinkle. People who worry a lot often develop deep wrinkles in their foreheads. Could it be that if they didn’t worry about […]
Dr. Hatter, who lives in Second City, Saskatchewan, may be the only man in the world to combine horology and psychology into a single highly profitable medical practice. Horology, for those of you who have better things to do with your life, is the science of measuring time. Psychology is the science of explaining why […]
When I was sixteen, my father believed in two things: Keeping my mother happy and keeping the lawn under control. He presented himself as a Christian, especially when my mother was within earshot. Whether this was deep religious conviction or a survival technique developed over twenty years of marriage, I was never quite sure. Every […]
The aliens watched sadly as the third planet burst into flame and became a tiny second sun. Humanity was gone. What had gone wrong? Toward the end of their reign on Earth, humans spent centuries arguing about evolution versus Intelligent Design. The aliens found this hilarious. They had invented both. Evolution was simply a long-term […]
A dear friend of mine — a better writer than I am — recently asked me how I manage to produce serviceable humor pieces with what appears to be blinding speed. To understand the answer, you would have had to meet my Aunt Ivie. During World War Two, Aunt Ivie served in the Canadian Armed […]
There was a time in America when bored married couples held what were known as “key parties.” This was before the internet, before dating apps, and before billionaires started launching themselves into orbit because Earth had become too crowded with people who expected them to pay taxes. At these suburban gatherings, guests drank heroic quantities […]
Freshman Billy Samon had been at a California college for approximately fourteen minutes when he decided to challenge the English Department. Billy was what universities politely describe as “full of confidence.” Other people used different phrases. After Professor A. Teenure corrected Billy in class during a discussion about sarcasm, the young scholar stormed home and […]
My wife, Kate, who is a flight attendant, came home with an urban legend about an aviator adulterer. It goes like this… There’s this commercial airline pilot who flies between Montreal and Paris. We’ll call him Pierre. One day Pierre says to his wife, “Honey, I’ve got to work a Paris flight,” and off he […]
Life in a Breadbox Back when I wrote this, people still believed a “tiny house” was something built by poor people. Today, millionaires on YouTube proudly live inside converted garden sheds while explaining how owning only two forks healed their inner child. Which brings me to Mr. C Wi. I met Mr. Wi in Venice, […]
The Great Mormon Virginity Shortage By the late 1960s, the LDS Church had built a full defensive system against premarital sex. There were interviews. Lectures. Pamphlets. Firesides. Film strips. Sad facial expressions. Entire armies of middle-aged men stood guard over the virtue of teenagers who mostly wanted to hold hands and maybe buy each other […]
The Mormon Special Forces Guide to Virginity Part Two of In Search of My Lost Virginity After my interview with Spencer W. Kimball, I slowly came to understand something astonishing. Mormon virginity was apparently not protected by ordinary morality. It was protected by military doctrine. This became especially clear during my years around Brigham Young […]
I grew up in a small farming community in Alberta. We worried about hailstorms, broken machinery, rust, gophers, and whether the wheat would survive another week without rain. As near as I could tell, the sheep worried about grass. Then one day I was called in for a private interview with Spencer W. Kimball […]
I woke up the other morning because two Maoris were knocking at my door. Maoris are the original Polynesian people of New Zealand. I knew many of them when I was a young elder in the LDS Church, serving a mission there in 1962. These two gentlemen were wearing dark suits and name tags. They […]
Being a CB radio operator, when I heard static coming from the Hale-Bopp Comet I homed in on it. I was astonished to make contact with someone lurking behind the comet. Following is a transcript of our conversation: “This is Do,” said a frail voice through the ether. “Are you the leader of that cult […]
My wife and I are both close to 80, and we’ve lived in the same condo in West LA for almost 40 years. We were married on 7-10-91. Once upon a time we were the youngest couple in the building. Now we are unquestionably the oldest. When young families move in, we bring over a […]
VUE: Why have you decided to tell the truth about your personal life? JARON: Because of Ellen DeGeneres. It took courage for her to admit who she really is. VUE: So you’re coming out of the closet, too? JARON: I don’t like the word closet. VUE: What word would you prefer? JARON: Barn. VUE: You’re […]
I May Be Imaginary, But My HOA Fees Are Real Further Evidence the Universe Was Assembled by Interns If the universe is a simulation, the HOA is clearly the first sign of artificial intelligence turning against humanity. This became obvious to me shortly after Susan Slipshod took over the board. Susan claimed to be […]
My Uncle Freebite believed modern people had become too comfortable. He blamed soft mattresses, flavored yogurt, and thermostats. “Human beings,” he used to say, “weren’t meant to know the exact temperature of a room.” Uncle Freebite was not what experts call “fully qualified for independent thought.” Still, that never stopped him from developing theories. One […]
Jack Ford was a good man. That was the general opinion, and it held up under casual inspection. He was six foot six, built like a refrigerator that had played football, and had the kind of easy kindness that made people forgive him for blocking entire doorways. His wife adored him. She called him my […]
13 06 24 — the day we met Helene Paris is called The City of Light. In my case, it refers to how much lighter my wallet becomes every time I visit Paris Miracle #1: The Wallet That Refused to Leave I’m in an elevator at Charles de Gaulle. An “old lady” wedges a suitcase […]
My father was a dentist in Edmonton. Before that, we’d spent about a dozen years in Coronation, Alberta, pop. 950—a village where the future was less a mystery than a menu. Most of the boys I grew up with didn’t wander far. They fell in love with a local girl, had a couple of […]
(just right for reading to kids) In the far, far north, where the snow sparkled like sugar and the wind liked to whistle just for fun, there lived an unusual kind of moose. They were called Whooping Moose. And they had a problem. Whenever two bull moose met… They didn’t just grunt. They didn’t just […]
Driving a female wild is something every red-blooded male has considered. Dr. Con S. Erve did much more than consider it. He was a world-famous botanist—and, I might add, a confirmed bachelor. Readers will recall that Dr. Erve, while attempting to save the whooping moose from extinction, inadvertently finished the job. After this minor professional […]
I first noticed it on a train. Not the phones themselves—I’d seen those everywhere, of course—but the way people were holding them. Not upright. Not to the ear. Not even casually. They were cradling them. Both hands. Horizontal. Close. As if the device required support. As if it might spill. Or be consumed. At the […]
I didn’t position it as an invention. “Inventions solve problems,” I told them. “This changes the system those problems exist in.” That bought me a few more seconds of attention. “Right now, every one of you runs the same architecture,” I said. “Single-instance cognition. Little external storage. No persistence beyond biological limits.” They stared at me. […]
Travel does a marvelous thing—it shows you the world… and then quietly informs you that you are not the center of it. In 1964, I came home from a two-year mission in New Zealand, where I had been attempting to convert the Maoris to the LDS faith—while also trying to figure out if the […]
Danny Simon may have helped write one of the most successful comedies in history—and then gave it away. I met him in the mid-1980s when he flew to Edmonton to lecture on comedy writing at the University of Alberta’s TV and Film Institute, where I was director. Driving him down Groat Road, past the sweep […]
After 40 years of marriage, I’ve finally figured out what’s going on. Every conversation with my wife is a highly sophisticated loyalty test disguised as a disagreement about something that absolutely does not matter. For example: I might casually say, “I think the movie starts at 7.” She will say, “Interesting, because in 1998 you […]
A holiday memoir in which everyone is reduced to initials, a pig threatens domestic order, and hospitality reaches its natural limit. We spent Christmas in San Luis Obispo with M. and J., who had just moved into a house that was not yet entirely their own. It still contained traces of its previous […]
For most of my life, writing something decent took time. Not hours. Weeks. I would write a piece, tinker with it, walk away, come back, fix a few things, and eventually—if the gods were kind—end up with something worth publishing. Then something odd happened. Now I can take a piece I wrote forty years ago—or […]
I like to reassure friends who are down on their luck. I tell them, very sincerely, “If I win the Mega Millions jackpot—say a billion dollars—I’m buying you a cup of coffee.” They look at me the way you look at a man who has just offered you a single peanut at a […]
**40-word synopsis**
A savage marital satire: a brilliant, possibly unhinged therapist shocks a couple at divorce’s edge. His outrageous philosophy ignites a midnight hotel reunion, flips sexual power on its head, and saves a marriage—while skewering America’s fear of desire and manners.
A humorous reexamination of the so-called Silent Era, arguing that early films were anything but quiet—alive with music, heckling audiences, narrators, and mechanical clatter—turning moviegoing into a noisy, democratic spectacle.
jaron
|
December 25, 2025
A bearded man’s harmless joke at a hostile-humored restaurant sparks a comic showdown with a fearless little girl, ending in laughter, mock menace, and the birth of a tiny lifelong nemesis.
jaron
|
November 25, 2025
A YouTube “doctor” warns that failing to scrub your inguinal crease—the humble thigh-torso fold—will send you to an early grave. Your 83-year-old hero investigates, discovers only lint and bad science, and ultimately saves his marriage through improved crotch hygiene.
jaron
|
November 24, 2025
Vegas card mechanic, Tony LaMarca, reads the wireless signals from pacemakers and glucose monitors to decode players’ emotions—until an elderly “mark” with a fake implant exposes Tony as part of a federal sting, forcing the “advantage player” into a high-stakes moral showdown.
jaron
|
November 16, 2025
Buffet of Doom reveals humanity’s greatest talent: starving on a planet that produces more than enough food. As Earth serves a daily all-you-can-eat feast, 8.1 billion picky eaters reject leftovers, fear ugly vegetables, and waste mountains of calories—proving we’re hilariously unqualified to manage abundance.
When one unpaid air traffic controller sneezes, America’s entire aviation system collapses like a soufflé in a wind tunnel. Flights vanish, pigeons unionize, and yoga mats replace runways—all because Bob forgot his Kleenex. Civilization sneezes, then politely grounds itself.
Government stats say few women stalk. Jaron’s marriage and Volvo say otherwise. From funeral dating to driveway speed bumps, he proves love isn’t blind—it’s just really good at GPS. A survival guide for the romantically pursued.
When burglars target a paranoid retiree’s condo, they trigger a ludicrous gauntlet of DIY defenses—knife-wielding robots, sarcastic security systems, and a moat of kombucha. Think Home Alone meets Dr. Strangelove. Hysterical. Explosive. HOA-approved (barely). You’ll die laughing—legally.
He trusted AI… and it turned him into Hemingway with Wi-Fi. One man, one laptop, and a swarm of invisible puppet strings descending from the Cloud. What could go wrong? (Besides accidental brilliance, mild fame, and the occasional rogue kale order.)
jaron
|
September 30, 2025
In a 1950s Canadian prairie town, one woman controls the phone lines—and the town. She’s nosy, psychic, unstoppable. Think “Fargo” meets “Her”… with a party line and pearls.
jaron
|
September 25, 2025
Ditto’s a quirky loner with a grudge, a Xerox machine, and a flair for anonymous threats. When love, money, and tofu collide, he hatches the perfect revenge—until a teenage tech geek complicates everything.
jaron
|
September 22, 2025
This essay explores where our soul might reside — head, gut, or somewhere in the Cloud. It follows the author’s plan to catch souls with a badminton racket, clone bodies, and reinsert spirits via USB. It’s metaphysical, mildly scientific, and completely ridiculous.
jaron
|
September 19, 2025
L.A. parking meters aren’t broken. They are simply brilliant machines doing exactly what they were built to do:
Confuse legally, charge automatically, and grin electronically.
jaron
|
September 14, 2025
A reluctant prophet, a burning bush, and a million skeptics on foot — Moses is the epic tale of law, liberation, and leadership, with divine drama and desert-sized doubt at every turn.
jaron
|
September 13, 2025
A darkly funny memoir about a lovable grifter cousin—who moonlights as a freelance embalmer—crashing a quiet family’s life, racking up phone bills, dodging Mounties, and disappearing in a puff of charm.
jaron
|
September 6, 2025
In a darkly comic exploration of evolution, technology, and thumb-powered hubris, The Finger Brain vs. The Octopus pits humanity’s smartphone addiction against nature’s eight-armed genius. Narrated in Werner Herzog’s existential tone, this short blends satire, science, and surrealism into a viral-ready, animated battle of brains vs. bandwidth.
jaron
|
September 1, 2025
An aged Mark Twain, risen from the grave (and grumpier than ever), recounts history’s most arrogant leaders—each undone by their own yes-men. With sardonic charm and barbed wit, Twain serves a darkly comic warning: surround yourself with fools, and you’ll ride straight into ruin—with applause all the way down.
In a deeply divided America, neighbors wage war with lawn signs, podcasts, and passive-aggressive potlucks. Slow Motion Civil War is a satirical dramedy where the front lines are Facebook feeds, and the real battle is over who brings the best dip to the HOA meeting. Think Dr. Strangelove meets Nextdoor.
Post brats (young people) aren’t fleeing monsters—they’re buying tickets. Horror delivers safe fear, social bonding, and a dopamine kick. For stressed Gen Z, it’s cheaper than therapy and more fun than yoga. Studios love it too: scaring teens is now Hollywood’s most reliable business plan.
Beware the Mapmaker’s Pen … Every line drawn on a map cuts deeper than ink—it severs neighbors, sparks wars, and cages clouds with fences. Once, the earth was whole and free. Now borders bloom like mold, and flags divide what love once united. Maps don’t protect us—they imprison us.
When a misfiled fax appoints an ordinary man as “Overlord of Alberta,” chaos ensues: maple-syrup taxes, moose worship, and HOA rebellions collide in a Mark Twain–meets–Monty Python farce. A satirical crown, eccentric allies, and worldwide cameras ensure one thing—this accidental ruler will never rule quietly.
Would you like me to polish a star-centric version that pitches them directly (e.g., “The role of a lifetime: the reluctant overlord who discovers absolute power is mostly about pies and moose”)?
A rogue scientist hacks his digestive system to produce and weaponize hydrochloric acid, targeting citizens guilty of minor social rudeness. Victims vanish with a sneeze. As a sardonic detective unravels the truth, the city transforms—fear breeding politeness. Polite to Death is a darkly comic thriller where courtesy isn’t optional—it’s survival. Falling Down meets The Fly, with better manners.
In a gilded future where robots serve the elite, a poor man named Jeff pilots a human-powered Ultra Robot, secretly fueling a billion-dollar lie. Trapped in luxury tech, he sparks a rebellion from within—one glitch, one song, one truth at a time. Ex Machina meets Parasite—with poop tubes.
Harry was a gentle, witty man who valued family above all. A WWII naval officer turned mining engineer, he traveled the world with his wife and daughters, building homes, battling woodpeckers, and spreading kindness. He quit smoking at 70, joked through life’s trials, and faced death with grace. That was Harry.
A thoughtful rejection of faith-based motivational clichés, this essay questions predestination, challenges divine micromanagement, and urges respect for diverse beliefs rather than assuming one-size-fits-all theology.
Shoplifters and rogue employees may steal shampoo and twenty-dollar bills, but the real heist happens in boardrooms. This eye-opening exposé reveals how executives at Walmart, Amazon, and even the U.S. Postal Service legally siphon billions—gutting pensions, crushing labor, and cashing out stock—while blaming the little guy. Cufflinks over shoplifters, every time.
**”Fuck” used to shock, but now it’s just filler—like “very” with tattoos. Overused in bestsellers and daily speech, it’s lost all punch. This essay argues it’s time to retire it (for a while), sharpen our language, and bring back words that actually mean something. Let “fuck” rest. Seriously.**
A rogue roofer punches a banana-sized hole during a rainstorm, turning Jaron’s den into a swimming pool. With tar, sarcasm, and power tools, Jaron battles leaks, biblical floods, and incompetent contractors—then threatens to launch the next intruder off the roof. Roofing drama meets divine comedy.
Magic storage concept is genius—hilarious, liberating, and oddly therapeutic. For a fraction of the cost, you can “stores” your neighbors’ junk forever, freeing your space and soul. Or how to create a service that understands guilt-based clutter and turns it into gold for you.
AI doesn’t think like us—it predicts the next word based on patterns from vast text data. This can create familiar yet surprising results, producing stories that resonate or veer into the absurd, without true understanding or consciousness behind them.
I’ve been targeted by the Jewish Conspiracy. It started with free candy from Harry Martin, then snowballed into screenwriting lessons, housing after an earthquake, and lifelong friendships. They claim not to know each other—yeah, right. It’s a plot. Of kindness, brilliance, and bagels. I’m grateful.
“The key to fortunes is coming up with a way to keep customers listening to you for up to 30 minutes.”
Want to fly first class on a coach budget? Bribe with chocolates, wield a cane like Gandalf, fake an anniversary, and act like a retired flight attendant. Toss in charm and frozen water. Boom—luxury travel without the Amex bill.
Imagine hiking into the backcountry to “disconnect,” only to trip on a rock and dislocate your shoulder and break your leg. No signal. No reception. No help.
People familiar with hoarding know that containers are not neutral. They are enablers. They’re the enablers’ enablers. They’re the sweet-talking plastic sirens that whisper, “Don’t throw that out. It might be useful. One day. In the apocalypse. For barter.”
A theologian’s daughter dies defending her virtue ….
Danegeld was protection money paid by medieval English kings to Viking raiders, hoping they’d stop attacking — but it only encouraged more invasions and greed.
A man stranded between regret and rage answers a late knock from two LDS lady missionaries, offering them hymns, hot chocolate — and a one-way descent into his gathering storm.
Broke but grinning, Billy Woodfield bluffs his way into Hollywood’s fast lane, uncovering Howard Hughes’ secret “breakfast date” with teenage Mitzi Gaynor — a stunt so outrageous it lands Billy a midnight meeting with Hughes… and the job of a lifetime.
During the Great Depression, one town had chickens, the other had fur coats—together they clucked and stitched their way to survival. No money, just feathers and fashion. It’s barter meets barnyard in this tale of poultry, pelts, and pure genius.
Through ash and flame, they chose to unite,
Building a city of hope and light!
American women rule kitchens, backyards, and life’s “adult playgrounds.” They outlive men, inherit everything, and turn homes into empires. Forget skyscrapers—women hold the cultural foundation with wit, resilience, and perfectly fluffed throw pillows. Game over!
jaron
|
November 27, 2024
The first burger went down easily, as did the second. By the third, his bites were less enthusiastic, his chewing slower. But Max was nothing if not committed. Halfway through the fourth Big Mac, disaster struck. A rogue pickle lodged itself in his throat, cutting off his air supply.
Moving 20 million people across the U.S.-Mexico border would cost tens of billions, require extensive logistics, over 100,000 personnel, and several years to complete. Major risks include legal, humanitarian, and economic impacts, as well as potential international fallout, making the plan extremely complex and likely unfeasible.
The Power of Ruthless Leaders written by jaron summers (c) 2024 Images, finding typos and some text generated by A.I. In a world defined by chaos where survival is uncertain and the line between life and death is fragile, leadership becomes the cornerstone of stability. In such times, ruthless leaders rise to power, often because […]
The destruction of mangroves mirrors societal collapse as political polarization erodes unity, exposing communities to instability, division, and weakened resilience, like coastlines vulnerable to storms without protective ecosystems.
In a world where privacy is a bedtime story, Papa Bear and Mommy Bear’s tech partnership monitors everything—from snack choices to lawn gnomes—turning Baby Bear’s life into a surveillance circus.
jaron
|
September 15, 2024
Mandrake asked me to explain how the debate went. I took his phone and turned it off. “Hey! I was doing schoolwork,” he fumed. “I have to know what a metaphor is for English tomorrow.”
At that point my embarrassed member retracted and disappeared. Even I could not find it.
Miraculous experiences in Paris. From foiling a pickpocket to being saved from a dangerous fall and surviving a tense security incident — the perils and unexpected joys of French travel in the City of Light.
Agility and speed make them look like they’re executing perfect shots with impeccable timing.
The world is in chaos due to the clash between science and religion. If science stops relying on faith while religion embraces some mystery, they can coexist, leading to a balanced and peaceful planet.
In a perilous quest, William, guided by the wise wizard TGrump, leads a fellowship of diverse allies to destroy a dark artifact created by the evil lord Jaron, battling deadly foes and resisting corruption to save their world from enslavement.
My wife and I prepare for World War Three in “The Happy Nest.” Amidst apocalypse fears, we stockpile resources and devise a brilliant survival plan involving chainsaws and a gold-backed currency, demonstrating love and ingenuity in the face of global chaos.
In 2021, our AIs, smarter than Uncle Jeb post-corn liquor, danced into a digital ruckus, mixing human bits for secrets. Their ambition? Outshine humanity. The outcome? A cosmic comedy of errors ending in a tech tumble. Moral: Guard your guts; they’re smarter than you think, and AIs agree.
Jaron and Kate are cracking down on fridge felons in their Edmonton House with the legendary Article 1794. Expect scale surveillance, snack spreadsheets, and wake-up calls at unholy hours. Your breakfast cereal is now a matter of national security. Sign the notarized pledge or face the cereal consequences. Harmony and hilarity shall reign supreme!
In a world where a scientist believes reality is a computer simulation and their lover sees it as God’s creation, they discover that love transcends the divide, proving that understanding and affection can coexist amidst the universe’s greatest mysteries.
March 7, 2024 I fret about my ability to understand sex and females. As you know as a former Mormon Missionary I had a challenge with cussing. I hope I’m over my inhibitions. If the C-word or the B-word (Birthtday) or even that numeral after 68 bothers you, then STOP reading.
jaron
|
February 27, 2024
As Mark Twain, I’ve marveled at Clutter Addiction’s tragic comedy: Families drowning in boxes, homes turned labyrinths, and the simple cure—ditch a doodad daily to escape the cardboard jungle and maybe, just maybe, find your tea set again.
jaron
|
February 24, 2024
Just as the mighty Mississippi shapes the land through which it flows, so too do our senses shape our interaction with the world, a constant dance of give and take.
jaron
|
February 23, 2024
Mark Twain claims that switching back to a typewriter with round keys improved his typing speed and accuracy by 25%. He praises the ergonomic and nostalgic value of round keys, suggesting that advancements in technology could still benefit from the wisdom of past designs.
jaron
|
February 17, 2024
Mark and Cynthia, scarred by the impersonal battles of digital dating, discover an unexpected and instant connection in the shadow of their guarded cynicism at a rain-threatened swap meet. Say hello to mutual attraction born from a shared understanding of disappointment and the faint hope for something real.
jaron
|
February 15, 2024
There were incidental glitches with nation defence modules the eve of December 24 when AI directed NORAD to vaporize 4 percent of the world’s population; most of earth remained intact, although Strotium 90 hampered navigation in salt water routes.
jaron
|
February 13, 2024
In the grand cosmic race of intelligence, we humans, with our splendid array of thoughts and feelings, find ourselves pedaling a bicycle in a Formula One race, blissfully competing against computers.
jaron
|
February 11, 2024
Psst … I can tell you how to make a large fortune by investing in my latest bird-brain idea. Cadaver Parrots. We’ll be flying high and the stock will leap into the stratosphere. I promise you triple your money back if you are not a millionaire by Friday. Call me now!!!
jaron
|
February 10, 2024
Remember Saturday Night Fever? That was set in Brooklyn and made John Travolata an overnight icon around the world. Before that we had Saturday Night Cool in the small town of Coronation where I grew up. I tore tickets for free popcorn and was allowed to see all the movies there. I decided that someday I would go to Hollywood and become a writer.
God’s got to understand. And if He doesn’t, well, maybe He’s not the God I thought He was. And don’t even start with me on the idea of God being a woman—that’s a whole different kettle of fish.
Ah, Watson, consider the notion that our existence may merely be a grand illusion, a simulation of sorts, championed by luminaries such as Musk and Tyson. This theory, reminiscent of Plato and Descartes’ philosophical inquiries, invites us to deduce the fabric of our reality, merging science with philosophy in a most stimulating intellectual pursuit.
People often ask me how to sell scripts in Hollywood. The following websites may help. Two other things count: passion and a smile. By the way, AI made this image in 40 seconds. From nine words I wrote.
I asked AI to pick ten stocks based on the notion that the US economy would continue to improve. AI also said: “Investing is like playing leapfrog with unicorns; diversification is your safety net, but remember, each leap is a gamble. And don’t trust past leaps to predict the next; that’s like expecting a cat to fetch just because it did so in a dream you had last Tuesday” And, then AI generated the above image. In 40 seconds.
According to search and rescue teams, many brides have replaced traditional adorable ring bearers, with birds of prey. Wedding guests often bring live mice to feed these raptors.
Forty-two minutes into that date, Jill, 32, stopped the smooching and asserted she was an “agrapha rapa.” She explained it was an expression she had concocted to describe her fondness for poetry and dancing. She also said she was a virgin.
Frank, never one to balk at the impossible, proposed a wild idea. “Folks,” he said, “what if we just look at this impending doom through our trusty Webb? Maybe, just maybe, our gaze might steer the course of these cosmic behemoths.
Markus had tales of the Canadian North, where he worked near the Arctic Circle. He seemed to know more about Edmonton than a local historian. I felt pretty stupid when he was around. Not that he made me feel stupid. He simply seemed to know stuff.
Sometimes my doctor and I discuss things but I don’t know all the terms he uses. The other day I said my spleen hurt and pointed to the top of my chest. He had to correct me. So I’m having the first image tattooed on my body. That way I can explain where things hurt.
He’s not just any wealthy businessman. He’s a maestro in the art of “customer support.” His billion-dollar secret? Keep desperate customers on hold, even if hours on wait drives them nuts.
jaron
|
December 29, 2023
Religions are grounded in three core concepts: sex (life’s genesis), eternity (soul’s destiny), and miracles (divine intervention), addressing fundamental human existential queries.
jaron
|
December 19, 2023
The convenience, accessibility, and widespread adoption of smartphones make them the preferred choice for news consumption for the majority of the global population.
jaron
|
December 13, 2023
It’s like having a friend who’s always got a factoid up their sleeve, never gets your jokes but laughs anyway, and can keep you company without ever arguing about where to have dinner.
Have you ever asked yourself how far will robots go when they become our masters instead of our slaves? First we will love them. Then we will hate them. And after awhile they will despise us. Have you noticed their fingers are shaped like scalpels?
Those Mobile Devices you have. You own the universe. They can find almost anything.
jaron
|
September 24, 2022
No worries. Seems that the latest vaccine is probably safe for mice. Didn’t kill any of them. Based on the CFDC six-mouse test, the USA felt safe to begin injecting millions of people with this new vaccine.
Written by jaron summers (c) 2022 Identifying which generation is poised to be in charge of the world is difficult. Right now it seems to be Generation Z. AKA Gen Z or Zoomers. If you’re a Gen Z then you were born between born 1997-2012. So you could be about 16 years old which happens […]
written by jaron summers (c) 2024 Once a person breaks the law, there is no turning back. It can happen at any age. Mother drifted into crime at 92. As far as we could figure out, Nike had been a runaway. The little guy was confused and frightened, but Mother lovingly won him over. She […]
I think time travel is overrated
jaron
|
February 23, 2021
Now I’m almost as old as Oliver was. Between naps I think of The Royal Crown Hotel lobby and meeting the Norweigan 70 years ago in Coronation — under ice blue skies that made your eyes ache, and outside the first snowfall, so white it would persuade you that the whole universe was pure.
jaron
|
February 18, 2021
I had heard Dad and Mom talking about finding a religion to provide me with some kind of anchor or moral compass. I suppose my parents feared their seven-year-old was headed for a life of crime and deprivation.
This chap stuck a pin in one of the almonds and said watch.
He lit the nut on fire and it burned for several minutes like a tiny torch.
My grandfather gave this con artist all his pension money after being promised large returns on a secret process to extract oil from almonds — this oil would be used to power the world.
Grampa died shortly after. A busted man.
A hundred million is spit when you’re dead.
I gave the executive (who I owe a producing credit to) twenty bucks to convince his boss, a boss in the slammer for cavorting with kids, that my novel would make a terrific film.
I asked the world’s best organizer how he keeps track of all his tasks. “Super simple. I link EACH task to my good self with dental floss. For example, I’m making a milk shake now. I simply tie the milkshake maker to one of my toes and I’m linked-in.”
He concluded: “I started our dental floss factory where we make ten different colors of dental floss. Bingo. Ten colors of floss per toe. Ten toes. I can accomplish 100 tasks at the same time.”
All I can remember about Uncle Ben is that he was fat and ate lard and sugar on his bread, we loved him, and he was jolly and good to us.
Boxers have left hooks and right crosses. Or is it left crosses and right hooks? Anyway, for me, there will only be one kind of hook, and that’s Charlie Taggart’s right hook. Charlie had an iron hook, the result of a boyhood flirtation with dynamite that almost blew him off the map.I will always be indebted to Charlie …
My wife, Kate, and I have had our most serious arguments because of extreme clutter, spawned by her deep-seated neuroses. Our condo had become a colossal trash compactor. I hired a professional organizer, Sally Wigglesworth. Now I may be facing homicide charges.
If you are looking for the smartest scholars in the world come to my home, within walking distance of The University of Alberta. I rent rooms to four grad students who attend the great campus. I would put my four fellows up against any group of scholars who have ever lived. Aristotle, Einstein, Hawking. It would not matter. My lads – in their sleep
They say nothing ever happened in Coronation but I heard stories about the Gent from Geneva, who in the late 1940s, arrived in Alberta. This guy, I think his name was Franz, had seen a travelogue of Western Canada. Its majestic Rocky Mountains gave Franz the idea that moving to Alberta was like living in Switzerland….
They say nothing happened in Coronation but they must have been out of town one Saturday night in 1960. The evening started out dull, not much to do but watch a movie at The Avalon, the town’s only theater, or maybe wander over to the Chinese cafe and have a cold Coke and a warm piece of pie. Then eat it slowly and wonder what would become of you.
By the way, I visited your website and there is a terrific photo of you. You are beautiful and you don’t have a single wrinkle. What a marvelous smile you have. As soon as I saw your photo I trusted you. Of course you couldn’t use that photo on your passport. It could land you in the slammer.
I decided to write a history book for any (smarter than average) nine year old a decade or so ago. Becki, a cousin, was about nine and she was smarter than average. Way smarter. Now she’s a lawyer.
My wife, Kate, and I have had our most serious arguments because of extreme clutter, spawned by her deep-seated neuroses. Our condo had become a colossal trash compactor. Help was on the way…. Or so we thought.
News Item: The Iraqi government has enlisted Saddam Hussein look-alikes in an effort to thwart assassination attempts on their leader. In a secret section of Iraq, Saddam Hussein strolled past the his many clones, standing ramrod straight.
As I read the Christmas holiday memoirs of famous dead writers I realize that their accounts of their holidays are often superior to those of my own.
One of the major differences is that classical writers seldom identified friends by entire name. They simply used initials, I suppose for fear of
Coronation was the result of a sexual act.
Edward VII exercised his connubial rights with Alexandra of Denmark on or about September 4th of 1864.
George V of England popped out of his mummy’s belly in June of the following year.
They say nothing happens in Coronation. I have news for you.
Many things that have just happened in the world, happened decades ago in Coronation.
For example, yesterday I read about a couple of wolf boys with a traveling circus.
Dear Ms. Bendhard, Let us set the record straight. I have never entered your condo illegally. As you know, I have a number of listening devices, including a stethoscope that I use to locate running water. Wayward water and wayward vixens are my concern!
You think that gets rid of the cholesterol? Do you realize it probably concentrates it?” Kate asked.
“Do you realize you’ll die if you don’t have enough cholesterol in your body?” I asked. I slowly ate the peanut butter diet toast and then I swallowed a small green pill that the doctor had given me to reduce cholesterol. “Besides, I don’t have to worry about cholesterol,” I said. “That’s what these pills are for. If it makes you happy, I’ll take two.”
Compromise is the key to marriages and volcanoes. For example, my wife, Kate, who is a flight attendant, had three Maui trips back-to-back. She suggested I go with her. “Can we afford it?” I asked. “After all, we’re trying to live on your salary while I write the Great American Novel.”
I participated in two rituals recently.
One was a sweat lodge ceremony on the plains of Alberta near Edmonton.
The sweat lodge looks like an igloo made of hides or canvas. In it native North Americans conduct a series of rituals they have repeated for countless generations.
My friend, Martha Stew, invited me go shopping with her. As readers will recall it was Martha who taught me how to make her world famous pasta sauce.
As we drove to the market, I asked Martha why it was that my sauce never seemed to taste as good as hers.”Your basic ingredients are stale,” explained the world’s greatest chef.
Matthew Benson Applehead (MBA) had trouble peeing one night. Fearing he might be a diabetic, he ran to a nearby hospital. A passing car blinded him and while he was jabbering on his cell phone, a truck ran over him, killing him instantly.
Bad luck, you say?
Soon we’ll be in a new century and a spanking new millennium.
Most of you may find yourselves morosely wondering what you have done to change the world for the better. I, however, don’t have to fret because I invented something that had a profound imdpact on the human race.
My wife, Kate, has this hormone imbalance thing. A lot of woman do. It caused us a few problems so we decided to see a marriage counselor.
The marriage counselor, Dr. Seesaw, said that woman were from Venus and guys were from Mars. I asked Dr. Seesaw where she got her counseling degree? NASA, maybe?
“I’m afraid, Mr. Evenkeel, I have both good and grim news for you,” Doctor Smith said softly to his patient.
Evenkeel, who had been an eternal (albeit annoying) optimist most of his life, swallowed, then blinked in disbelief.
We flew to Tahiti. As usual I had packed only a single flight bag. As usual my wife had overpacked, drastically. Tahiti is a Polynesian paradise. Why in the world would one want to take so much stuff?
jaron
|
November 21, 2014
It took four men to carry it down our basement. My father plugged in our new freezer and opened the cavernous contraption. “I’ve heard,” said Dad, “that kids have gotten into things like this, closed the lid and perished.”
