Condo Covens
…. a billion dollar view of the Pacific Ocean
Category Archives: Blog
Bel Air Code of Confusion
Cross the BOARD and you end up water BOARDED.
How Can I Write a Screenplay in LESS Than TWO HOURS?
It’s easy. Under two hours? That’s 120 minutes, right? So, 119 minutes is less than two hours. Now, think about your movie. Here’s a quick way to stay on track. A likeable character has a worthwhile goal. As she/he moves toward that goal problems develop out of their character. No writing the first week. Thinking. That’s […]
A dog’s best friend? Another dog.
Algunos animales son mucho más inteligentes de lo que piensas. En la década de 1950 vivía en un pueblo de Canadá. Población: 950 personas. Perros callejeros: cuatro o cinco. Un veterinario que hablaba mal inglés alquiló una casa. Convirtió una habitación trasera en su oficina / clínica. Si los niños sin dinero en efectivo tuvieran […]
Wild animals I have met
I grabbed my shotgun ….
Kind Dogs & Kind Vets
Animals are smarter than you think. In the 1950s I lived in a village in Canada. Population: 950 people. Stray dogs: four or five. A veterinarian who spoke broken English rented a house. He turned a back room into his office/clinic. If kids with no cash had a “pet” dog or cat or even a […]
Betty’s Brain Fog
Brain Fog will be the death of me.
Chomp-chomp
A conversation between my mother-in-law and me. Her name is Betty and she’s 99. Jaron: How do you like your new assisted living home? Betty: It’s good. I know you think I can’t keep track of time but I can. I’ve been here for about a month. Jaron: What with the virus and lockdowns, time […]
Quora asked me
The Book of Mormon for free
Time Travel
I think time travel is overrated
Doug Paul, MD
When I was going to school in Coronation, “uncle” Doug stayed at our home during goose hunting season. He knew and loved Coronation. By the way, Dr. Paul was the guy who put together Alberta Health Care. It was the best in Canada, maybe the world … until the insurance companies got their meathooks into […]
SIZZLE
Suicide …. 20 times more than the world’s highest
Mr. Science
My boyfriend is telling me that the Earth is flat, but my friends are telling me that he’s lying. I think the Earth is round, but I’m not sure. Is the Earth round or flat? Mr. Science Answer: Both groups are correct. The earth is both round and flat. Have a look. This is a […]
Joe and Me
Joe Biden and I have things in common …
Aphrodite & The Rat
she was standing like a Grecian Goddess on our granite counter….
Iron Monsters & Memories
In the 1950s my mother and I traveled by bus and train to the States to stay with her parents each summer. A few months later my father arrived in Lake Andes, South Dakota to drive us back to our home in Canada. We stopped for root beer floats and foot-long hot dogs and saw […]
FADE IN: MAYA
There are a raft of shibboleths and acronyms you probably know if you’re contemplating writing something that starts with FADE IN: POV, MOS, CU, FADE OUT, INT … some of the many “inside words” that are helpful to know if you’re going to make your mark in Hollywood. Here’s a new one for you: MAYA. […]
Am I a Crook?
I have never embezzled
No gold in them-thare Hills
Has any official sovereign nation ever ran a Ponzi scheme in an attempt to cover a debt? The United Nations claims there are 206 total states—193 member states, two observer states, and 11 classified as other states. Nearly all of them have their own currencies. Some countries, for example, Ecuador, use American dollars. I know […]
Snoring Troubles
“illegal nocturnal emissions.”
Failed Life – additional notes
Did I like going to BYU. You bet. I never had more fun with my clothes off.
Ever Found Out GOD Watches You?
I discovered girls and the rabbit games moved into more risky territory.
Life Sucks
A hundred million is spit when you’re dead.
Dogs and Cats can get along!
Dogs and Cats can get along!
New Year—2019
Is it possible that a two-year old, named Sarah, holds a key to saving our planet?
Danny Thomas Test
It’s real easy to steal.
Delusional Messiah
Luckily Elder Wonder discovered that AND got the girl.
Fold Up Your Life
You can roll it up or fold it like a piece of paper. What a brilliant idea.
Seat Rustler
“So limp over and sit in one, you asshole. You fucking near broke my toe.”
Sorry To Bother You
You end up with Mastercard moments.
BUILDING A CARROT BRIDGE
“And what happens if a herd of hypothetical rabbits shows up?”
FAKE NEWS
President Trump says he does not do Fake News and I believe him. He is making American and the world a better place and enriching this country by reaching out to the major leaders of the world. Before Mr. Tump came to power the Russians wanted to kill us. Now Putin and Trump are good […]
Arm Toddlers
The shooters need to know who the future traitors are of America. Smart ass lawyers.
You’re Fired? No. Fried!
They will strike first ….
SMILE
Here’s a photo of a woman I met last week. A few months ago she was a beautiful and vibrant 23-year-old woman. She is still vibrant and beautiful. She has such a great smile that you almost don’t see how disfigured she is when you meet her. An angry lover poured acid in her face. […]
Would Trump lie to a dog?
If he goes unchecked Trump will fuck up the world of 2018. No other president has had such global capacity. Trump is dangerous beyond imagination. He attacked Syria. Then went on TV and told the world that it was pretty much of a one time warning. But can he believed? Nope. Not in his wildest […]
A note from Canada’s Most Evil Landlord
he likes to be entertained…
Cut cable: Save Bucks
Fly to Wimbledon with the money you save. Link one of your smartphone to a wifi in England.
Trump has given up solo control of Nuclear Codes
Fat Little Prick said he would send me his nuclear codes
The Miracle Seagulls
How do “sinners” seeking spiritual guidance nail down the right religion? My conversion started with a bottle of whiskey, loneliness and miracle seagulls. We lived in Canada and each spring my mother and I took a three-day train journey to her hometown to visit her parents in South Dakota. In early fall my father would […]
An island for my wife ….
For years Kate and I have spent some of our most fun times in Hawaii and New Zealand. I promised Kate that someday I would buy a small island just for her. Today I did. You can come and visit us. You may also want to sublease a part of our island. I bought it […]
Wimbledon Silly Rules
Umpires or referees or whatever they call themselves could restrict the number of balls used each day at Wimbledon to 18.
Helping the Unfortunate —
how can people be so cruel?
Keeping Your Cool in LA
Caution — a condenser holds an electric charge. So you need to discharge it. Or you could get a shock.
Balance the Budget — Easy
I have many brilliant ideas concerning ways for us to survive.
Correct Use of Floss
… he could work a 30-hour day
Long Friendship Secrets
I keep a journal since it’s fun to see what I did ten or twenty or thirty years ago. When I was a missionary I prayed each day. One day I realized that if there were a god or gods they would have stopped people from creating religions. Any religion. Nothing is as detrimental to […]
Advice From A Billionaire
Ten minutes, once gone, are gone for good.
Roger Moore and I were both Saints
Roger Moore and I were both Saints
Pussy Poaching to Regime Change
“Let them eat (chocolate) cake”
Pixel Fucking
How about—you write your script, press enter and with the help of AI and digital skulduggery—you create a masterpiece.
One Inch from the end
As my many followers (six) and fans (four) know Donald Trump often phones me for guidance. I decided to record our conversations to save NSA from doing it. In California it’s okay to record your side of a phone call. Following is my one-sided exchange with the president of these United States. I substituted “yadie” […]
Here, have a BLAST!
This goof wants to build an ICBM with a nuke in it and aim it at us. https://goo.gl/iuIftg The problem is that he needs a miniaturized nuke. So with the help of the CIA I could sell him a tiny “nuke.” It would have four dials on its face. A GO button, then three destinations: […]
We cancelled your frequent flier package since you’re dead….
No one could have anticipated that Clause 23 would be required
How to do great in Real Estate
I am sending Rex to Russia to conclude my latest deal. I just sold Putin and his pals some worthless land we bought from them in 1867. I doubled our original purchase price. This is a TERRIFIC DEAL. DT
Immigration Can Save the world
Suppose you live next door to a jerk. And suppose the jerk though you were a jerk. And suppose you were both right. You bickered and swore to burn each other’s house to the ground. And you would have, except your daughter fell in love with the jerk’s son. And miracle of miracles they had […]
A plea to a “savage” tribe
I will also teach you how to write screenplays that we can sell to the major studios.
Try Laughter
Our ear ringing lessens, then miracle of miracle, stops. Laughter – best medicine!
EGG FU FUN
From the 23rd floor of the Hyatt in Shanghai my wife and I look down on the Egg. A chicken that laid such an egg would stand taller than the Statue of Liberty. Even so, you could not make an omelet large enough from that gargantuan hen to feed the 1.4 billion people in China […]
As I lay me down to Sleep
Everyone grab half a sleeping person ….
The Right Man for the Job
The Right Man for the Job
Bombs Make Us Safer
We live in a frightening world, don’t we?
I’m Leaving the Country
The leader of our land claims he’s making our country great again. He loves his family. They love him. So what if he has a real hot wife who was not born an American? Disgruntled voters have criticized him because he has said a few hurtful things to world leaders who do not agree with […]
The Sensual Pickpocket of Barcelona
Gaudi’s cathedral is a work in progress like our marriage
Trump thwarts Chinese Military
The two-inch drone traveling at 22 MPH evaded The Secret Service
Post from Barcelona
He counted out four more sheets. He was grim about it.
How Trump Could Score
Hot chicks go for guys who are rich, famous and buff.
Finally, after almost a century … I have the desk
He gave me a damn fine whipping employing a large switch that somehow reached my vulnerable little bum
Your word for today: Sam-suing
Samsung’s latest evil invention
Will The Machines Win?
The phone that I knew as a boy has morphed into a magical device that we take for granted. But the machines are just starting.
The Only Way to Stop Trump
Those in power must stop him. They paint Trump as a lunatic. As a liar. As a traitor. This will not work!
Save $75 and protect your nest egg
Maybe there’s something to the notion that inflation will do us in.
Why we vote the way we do ….
I would rather get some of my tiny piece of the pie back rather than giving up what little pie I have.
Attachments
“Slip this into your pocket, don’t make it obvious. When you get home, check out the first star to the right of the nine.”
NASA & LDS COVER-UP
of the 12 people who have landed on the moon, all were female.
Solemates
I was warned that if they came into the store not to wait on them and call security.
Throw out the Drones!
Most of us are worker bees.
A Shocking Situation at BYU
I discovered something that has shaken my confidence, my faith, and my soul, to the core.
Spec screenplay sales – long shots, real long
— my friend, you will have a meeting that week. The single purpose in that meeting will be to meet Mr. Hopkins.
Costco – near death experience
Let’s see if you can tell where I started to make stuff up.
John & Sophie Henning
About all that is left after 75 years … at least memories.
Jesus’ Facebook: 11 Followers; 1 Stalker
Have A Listen: sat test This link gets you a free copy of the narration, and a free trial membership in Audible. Already a member? I have some review copies while they last. email: jaronbs@gmail.com Thanks!
How do the Pearly Gates Work?
Is it true? No, by definition a novel is fiction. However, many of the thing I fictionalized were based on amazing experiences I had in NZ.
Mother Nature Loves Hockey
Mother Nature likes hockey. I know she likes hockey because I have seen and handled the tar that holds the oil.
Travel warning from a friend ….
Thank you for your dire warning about flying almost half way around the world.
Bernie Wins! Las Vegas / 6:48 pm / October 13 / 2015
My prediction — last edited 10/26/15 — Bernie will be the next US president
BERNIE
We have a winner. Bernie Sanders leapt from Bernie the candidate, to Bernie the statesman.
Writing Quotes more than 200 years old
Read over your compositions and where ever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.
No one but a blockhead ever wrote for free *
You can make a 100 times more money writing this way than blogging.
I’m back already….? Return Trip Effect explained
COLD SHRINKS STUFF. And this proves that global warming is false! You heard it here first.
Let’s Start with Money
There was a whirring sound and I looked up and saw a television camera move in one of the palms trees. It looked like a metal monkey with a big eye. It saw me at the same time I saw it; we stared uneasily at each other.
Puppy Love
Who they love and where they live becomes the graph of most people’s lives. However, Mother’s life, a life of almost a century, was defined by the dogs that lived with her.
I want one of these….
This caboose of 1941 belonged to Great Northern. Check out what the new owners did.
How to Save Money and Buy Lunch
it’s complicated thermodynamics. And simple economics
NSA helpers ….
the nsa has a secret weapon — you!
Word From Outer Space
Being a CB radio operator, when I heard static coming from the Hale-Bopp Comet, I homed in on it.I was astonished to make contact with someone lurking behind the comet. Following is a transcript of our conversation:”This is Do,” said a frail voice through the ether.”Are you the leader of that cult that killed…
The Sod Hut
They say nothing ever happened in Coronation but I heard stories about the Gent from Geneva, who in the late 1940s, arrived in Alberta. This guy, I think his name was Franz, had seen a travelogue of Western Canada. Its majestic Rocky Mountains gave Franz the idea that moving to Alberta was like living in Switzerland….
Wild Echoes
They say nothing happens in Coronation.
They are certainly not goose hunters.
Coronation is on the fly path of millions of geese that migrate between the Arctic and Mexico each year. There were a lot when I lived there in the 50s.
Merry Xmas from Your Banker
Dear Mr. Summers,
Since we regard you as a “partner” in our banking family, we at the Royal Bank appreciate your concerns. Rest assured, we look upon the administration of your money as a solemn duty.
You wrote to me that you felt we were
The French Questions
Although I have not spoken French for over 40 years, I remember all of it from junior high. (I was a child prodigy in romance languages.)
Even my French teacher said I had an astonishing approach to linguistics. Curious she flunked me. Jealous, no doubt.
