Jaron and Kate are cracking down on fridge felons in their Edmonton House with the legendary Article 1794. Expect scale surveillance, snack spreadsheets, and wake-up calls at unholy hours. Your breakfast cereal is now a matter of national security. Sign the notarized pledge or face the cereal consequences. Harmony and hilarity shall reign supreme!
In a world where a scientist believes reality is a computer simulation and their lover sees it as God’s creation, they discover that love transcends the divide, proving that understanding and affection can coexist amidst the universe’s greatest mysteries.
March 7, 2024 I fret about my ability to understand sex and females. As you know as a former Mormon Missionary I had a challenge with cussing. I hope I’m over my inhibitions. If the C-word or the B-word (Birthtday) or even that numeral after 68 bothers you, then STOP reading.
As Mark Twain, I’ve marveled at Clutter Addiction’s tragic comedy: Families drowning in boxes, homes turned labyrinths, and the simple cure—ditch a doodad daily to escape the cardboard jungle and maybe, just maybe, find your tea set again.
Just as the mighty Mississippi shapes the land through which it flows, so too do our senses shape our interaction with the world, a constant dance of give and take.
Mark Twain claims that switching back to a typewriter with round keys improved his typing speed and accuracy by 25%. He praises the ergonomic and nostalgic value of round keys, suggesting that advancements in technology could still benefit from the wisdom of past designs.
Mark and Cynthia, scarred by the impersonal battles of digital dating, discover an unexpected and instant connection in the shadow of their guarded cynicism at a rain-threatened swap meet. Say hello to mutual attraction born from a shared understanding of disappointment and the faint hope for something real.
In the grand cosmic race of intelligence, we humans, with our splendid array of thoughts and feelings, find ourselves pedaling a bicycle in a Formula One race, blissfully competing against computers.
Psst … I can tell you how to make a large fortune by investing in my latest bird-brain idea. Cadaver Parrots. We’ll be flying high and the stock will leap into the stratosphere. I promise you triple your money back if you are not a millionaire by Friday. Call me now!!!
God’s got to understand. And if He doesn’t, well, maybe He’s not the God I thought He was. And don’t even start with me on the idea of God being a woman—that’s a whole different kettle of fish.
Ah, Watson, consider the notion that our existence may merely be a grand illusion, a simulation of sorts, championed by luminaries such as Musk and Tyson. This theory, reminiscent of Plato and Descartes’ philosophical inquiries, invites us to deduce the fabric of our reality, merging science with philosophy in a most stimulating intellectual pursuit.
People often ask me how to sell scripts in Hollywood. The following websites may help. Two other things count: passion and a smile. By the way, AI made this image in 40 seconds. From nine words I wrote.
I asked AI to pick ten stocks based on the notion that the US economy would continue to improve. AI also said: “Investing is like playing leapfrog with unicorns; diversification is your safety net, but remember, each leap is a gamble. And don’t trust past leaps to predict the next; that’s like expecting a cat to fetch just because it did so in a dream you had last Tuesday” And, then AI generated the above image. In 40 seconds.
Forty-two minutes into that date, Jill, 32, stopped the smooching and asserted she was an “agrapha rapa.” She explained it was an expression she had concocted to describe her fondness for poetry and dancing. She also said she was a virgin.
Frank, never one to balk at the impossible, proposed a wild idea. “Folks,” he said, “what if we just look at this impending doom through our trusty Webb? Maybe, just maybe, our gaze might steer the course of these cosmic behemoths.
He’s not just any wealthy businessman. He’s a maestro in the art of “customer support.” His billion-dollar secret? Keep desperate customers on hold, even if hours on wait drives them nuts.
She smiles behind a touch of too much makeup and her shoes are not sexy now. Polished but functional with one-inch heels. Her hair would be grey if she did not color it and there are lines, not all of them from laughter.
She is an old flight attendant and it took all of her energy to get out of bed and pull on her uniform and “welcome” a thousand strangers who do not look at her anymore.
Religions are grounded in three core concepts: sex (life’s genesis), eternity (soul’s destiny), and miracles (divine intervention), addressing fundamental human existential queries.
My wife fell victim to a cunning group of pickpockets who stole her wallet. What followed was a surprising turn of events, thanks to a strategy suggested by our friend Tony Giorgio.
written by jaron summers (c) 2023 Old people die. What happens to young people who don’t want to age? They DIE! What happens if you don’t care? You DIE! No one knows when … that’s the fun. As John Wayne, the philosopher and cowboy, once said, “Tomorrow is promised to no one.” And, if he […]
But somehow we end up kind of celebrating her birthday twice a year.
As he drove down Main Street Jill undid the wrapping, and both girls squealed with delight. “It’s all the way from Paris,” said Irene. Kort checked his rearview mirror, keeping one eye on Jill. I had an eye on Kort.
And world news occasionally made the second page. And then the event would have to be awesome. Something like China prepares to nuke our student center.
Vehicle repo is a growth industry. A car is stolen nationwide every 30 seconds in America. But one is popped every 20 seconds. That beats playing the stock market.
The convenience, accessibility, and widespread adoption of smartphones make them the preferred choice for news consumption for the majority of the global population.
I met Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. Brigham Splendor just outside of Salt Lake City. They, as old-time Mormons once did, practice plural marriage. Today the Mormons (The Church or Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) excommunicates any of its members involved in polygamy.
We are in the market for a new back-up camera. Please help.
Jim Cameron’s Titanic budget woes got real over DIY Big Macs at McDonald’s. Hollywood’s new ‘budget renegade’ laments his thrifty ways, blaming Canadian roots for his cinematic penny-pinching. He’s dreaming of a second chance to splash the cash in Tinseltown, but wonders if his frugal past is his undoing.
In Salt Lake City stands a famous tabernacle, renowned for its age and unique wooden architecture. This edifice, built in 1884, has attracted millions of visitors. The tabernacle is a marvel to behold, but once upon a time it harbored a peculiar problem, thousands of mischievous mice. The congregation, driven to cussing by the scurrying […]
The digital age has enabled the creation of virtual congregations and religious gatherings, offering a sense of community for individuals unable to attend physical services. Social media platforms have emerged as spaces for interfaith dialogue, fostering connections among people of different belief systems. This evolution is exemplified by digital pilgrimages, which allow individuals to virtually […]
Tragically, almost none of the producers here wear collars with chains while they are at work.
It’s like having a friend who’s always got a factoid up their sleeve, never gets your jokes but laughs anyway, and can keep you company without ever arguing about where to have dinner.
We don’t want your kind around sticking peanut butter to the roofs of squirrels!
How it all started Chapter One Written by jaron summers (c) 2023 I was locking my office just after four on a hot July afternoon when her perfume hit me. Jasmine laced with lime. Only one kind of woman wears that potion — a blonde with curly ringlets like Shirley Temple made famous. I’m not […]
Have you ever asked yourself how far will robots go when they become our masters instead of our slaves? First we will love them. Then we will hate them. And after awhile they will despise us. Have you noticed their fingers are shaped like scalpels?
NY to LA 66.4 cents
You don’t need a battery with this amazing electric car.
Those Mobile Devices you have. You own the universe. They can find almost anything.
…. a billion dollar view of the Pacific Ocean
Cross the BOARD and you end up water BOARDED.
Written by jaron summers (c) 2022 Identifying which generation is poised to be in charge of the world is difficult. Right now it seems to be Generation Z. AKA Gen Z or Zoomers. If you’re a Gen Z then you were born between born 1997-2012. So you could be about 16 years old which happens […]
It’s easy. Under two hours? That’s 120 minutes, right? So, 119 minutes is less than two hours. Now, think about your movie. Here’s a quick way to stay on track. A likeable character has a worthwhile goal. As she/he moves toward that goal problems develop out of their character. No writing the first week. Thinking. That’s […]
written by jaron summers (c) 2024 Once a person breaks the law, there is no turning back. It can happen at any age. Mother drifted into crime at 92. As far as we could figure out, Nike had been a runaway. The little guy was confused and frightened, but Mother lovingly won him over. She […]
Algunos animales son mucho más inteligentes de lo que piensas. En la década de 1950 vivía en un pueblo de Canadá. Población: 950 personas. Perros callejeros: cuatro o cinco. Un veterinario que hablaba mal inglés alquiló una casa. Convirtió una habitación trasera en su oficina / clínica. Si los niños sin dinero en efectivo tuvieran […]
I grabbed my shotgun ….
Animals are smarter than you think. In the 1950s I lived in a village in Canada. Population: 950 people. Stray dogs: four or five. A veterinarian who spoke broken English rented a house. He turned a back room into his office/clinic. If kids with no cash had a “pet” dog or cat or even a […]
Brain Fog will be the death of me.
A conversation between my mother-in-law and me. Her name is Betty and she’s 99. Jaron: How do you like your new assisted living home? Betty: It’s good. I know you think I can’t keep track of time but I can. I’ve been here for about a month. Jaron: What with the virus and lockdowns, time […]
The Book of Mormon for free
I think time travel is overrated
Now I’m almost as old as Oliver was. Between naps I think of The Royal Crown Hotel lobby and meeting the Norweigan 70 years ago in Coronation — under ice blue skies that made your eyes ache, and outside the first snowfall, so white it would persuade you that the whole universe was pure.
When I was going to school in Coronation, “uncle” Doug stayed at our home during goose hunting season. He knew and loved Coronation. By the way, Dr. Paul was the guy who put together Alberta Health Care. It was the best in Canada, maybe the world … until the insurance companies got their meathooks into […]
I had heard Dad and Mom talking about finding a religion to provide me with some kind of anchor or moral compass. I suppose my parents feared their seven-year-old was headed for a life of crime and deprivation.
Suicide …. 20 times more than the world’s highest
My boyfriend is telling me that the Earth is flat, but my friends are telling me that he’s lying. I think the Earth is round, but I’m not sure. Is the Earth round or flat? Mr. Science Answer: Both groups are correct. The earth is both round and flat. Have a look. This is a […]
Joe Biden and I have things in common …
she was standing like a Grecian Goddess on our granite counter….
In the 1950s my mother and I traveled by bus and train to the States to stay with her parents each summer. A few months later my father arrived in Lake Andes, South Dakota to drive us back to our home in Canada. We stopped for root beer floats and foot-long hot dogs and saw […]
There are a raft of shibboleths and acronyms you probably know if you’re contemplating writing something that starts with FADE IN: POV, MOS, CU, FADE OUT, INT … some of the many “inside words” that are helpful to know if you’re going to make your mark in Hollywood. Here’s a new one for you: MAYA. […]
I have never embezzled
Has any official sovereign nation ever ran a Ponzi scheme in an attempt to cover a debt? The United Nations claims there are 206 total states—193 member states, two observer states, and 11 classified as other states. Nearly all of them have their own currencies. Some countries, for example, Ecuador, use American dollars. I know […]
“illegal nocturnal emissions.”
Chops, a European pig (Spurwildschwein Division), has a nose for narcotics and a passion for police work. He’s been awarded countless medals for sniffing out illegal explosives and saving lives.So what if one of them almost became a football?
Did I like going to BYU. You bet. I never had more fun with my clothes off.
I discovered girls and the rabbit games moved into more risky territory.
A hundred million is spit when you’re dead.
Dogs and Cats can get along!
Is it possible that a two-year old, named Sarah, holds a key to saving our planet?
It’s real easy to steal.
Luckily Elder Wonder discovered that AND got the girl.
You can roll it up or fold it like a piece of paper. What a brilliant idea.
“So limp over and sit in one, you asshole. You fucking near broke my toe.”
You end up with Mastercard moments.
“And what happens if a herd of hypothetical rabbits shows up?”
President Trump says he does not do Fake News and I believe him. He is making American and the world a better place and enriching this country by reaching out to the major leaders of the world. Before Mr. Tump came to power the Russians wanted to kill us. Now Putin and Trump are good […]
The shooters need to know who the future traitors are of America. Smart ass lawyers.
They will strike first ….
Here’s a photo of a woman I met last week. A few months ago she was a beautiful and vibrant 23-year-old woman. She is still vibrant and beautiful. She has such a great smile that you almost don’t see how disfigured she is when you meet her. An angry lover poured acid in her face. […]
If he goes unchecked Trump will fuck up the world of 2018. No other president has had such global capacity. Trump is dangerous beyond imagination. He attacked Syria. Then went on TV and told the world that it was pretty much of a one time warning. But can he believed? Nope. Not in his wildest […]
he likes to be entertained…
I gave the executive (who I owe a producing credit to) twenty bucks to convince his boss, a boss in the slammer for cavorting with kids, that my novel would make a terrific film.
Fly to Wimbledon with the money you save. Link one of your smartphone to a wifi in England.
Fat Little Prick said he would send me his nuclear codes
How do “sinners” seeking spiritual guidance nail down the right religion? My conversion started with a bottle of whiskey, loneliness and miracle seagulls. We lived in Canada and each spring my mother and I took a three-day train journey to her hometown to visit her parents in South Dakota. In early fall my father would […]
For years Kate and I have spent some of our most fun times in Hawaii and New Zealand. I promised Kate that someday I would buy a small island just for her. Today I did. You can come and visit us. You may also want to sublease a part of our island. I bought it […]
Umpires or referees or whatever they call themselves could restrict the number of balls used each day at Wimbledon to 18.
how can people be so cruel?
Caution — a condenser holds an electric charge. So you need to discharge it. Or you could get a shock.
I have many brilliant ideas concerning ways for us to survive.
I keep a journal since it’s fun to see what I did ten or twenty or thirty years ago. When I was a missionary I prayed each day. One day I realized that if there were a god or gods they would have stopped people from creating religions. Any religion. Nothing is as detrimental to […]
Ten minutes, once gone, are gone for good.
Roger Moore and I were both Saints
“Let them eat (chocolate) cake”
How about—you write your script, press enter and with the help of AI and digital skulduggery—you create a masterpiece.
As my many followers (six) and fans (four) know Donald Trump often phones me for guidance. I decided to record our conversations to save NSA from doing it. In California it’s okay to record your side of a phone call. Following is my one-sided exchange with the president of these United States. I substituted “yadie” […]
This goof wants to build an ICBM with a nuke in it and aim it at us. https://goo.gl/iuIftg The problem is that he needs a miniaturized nuke. So with the help of the CIA I could sell him a tiny “nuke.” It would have four dials on its face. A GO button, then three destinations: […]
No one could have anticipated that Clause 23 would be required
I am sending Rex to Russia to conclude my latest deal. I just sold Putin and his pals some worthless land we bought from them in 1867. I doubled our original purchase price. This is a TERRIFIC DEAL. DT
Suppose you live next door to a jerk. And suppose the jerk though you were a jerk. And suppose you were both right. You bickered and swore to burn each other’s house to the ground. And you would have, except your daughter fell in love with the jerk’s son. And miracle of miracles they had […]
I will also teach you how to write screenplays that we can sell to the major studios.
Our ear ringing lessens, then miracle of miracle, stops. Laughter – best medicine!
From the 23rd floor of the Hyatt in Shanghai my wife and I look down on the Egg. A chicken that laid such an egg would stand taller than the Statue of Liberty. Even so, you could not make an omelet large enough from that gargantuan hen to feed the 1.4 billion people in China […]
Everyone grab half a sleeping person ….
The Right Man for the Job
We live in a frightening world, don’t we?
The leader of our land claims he’s making our country great again. He loves his family. They love him. So what if he has a real hot wife who was not born an American? Disgruntled voters have criticized him because he has said a few hurtful things to world leaders who do not agree with […]
Gaudi’s cathedral is a work in progress like our marriage
The two-inch drone traveling at 22 MPH evaded The Secret Service
He counted out four more sheets. He was grim about it.
Hot chicks go for guys who are rich, famous and buff.
He gave me a damn fine whipping employing a large switch that somehow reached my vulnerable little bum
Samsung’s latest evil invention
The phone that I knew as a boy has morphed into a magical device that we take for granted. But the machines are just starting.
Those in power must stop him. They paint Trump as a lunatic. As a liar. As a traitor. This will not work!
Maybe there’s something to the notion that inflation will do us in.
I would rather get some of my tiny piece of the pie back rather than giving up what little pie I have.
“Slip this into your pocket, don’t make it obvious. When you get home, check out the first star to the right of the nine.”
of the 12 people who have landed on the moon, all were female.
I was warned that if they came into the store not to wait on them and call security.
Most of us are worker bees.
I discovered something that has shaken my confidence, my faith, and my soul, to the core.
— my friend, you will have a meeting that week. The single purpose in that meeting will be to meet Mr. Hopkins.
Let’s see if you can tell where I started to make stuff up.
About all that is left after 75 years … at least memories.
Have A Listen: sat test This link gets you a free copy of the narration, and a free trial membership in Audible. Already a member? I have some review copies while they last. email: jaronbs@gmail.com Thanks!
Is it true? No, by definition a novel is fiction. However, many of the thing I fictionalized were based on amazing experiences I had in NZ.
Mother Nature likes hockey. I know she likes hockey because I have seen and handled the tar that holds the oil.
Thank you for your dire warning about flying almost half way around the world.
My prediction — last edited 10/26/15 — Bernie will be the next US president
We have a winner. Bernie Sanders leapt from Bernie the candidate, to Bernie the statesman.
The more he drank, the friendlier he became. He liked that I recognized him and chuckled at a couple of things I said. For an hour he knocked back booze and I sipped a Coke.
Read over your compositions and where ever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.
You can make a 100 times more money writing this way than blogging.
COLD SHRINKS STUFF. And this proves that global warming is false! You heard it here first.
There was a whirring sound and I looked up and saw a television camera move in one of the palms trees. It looked like a metal monkey with a big eye. It saw me at the same time I saw it; we stared uneasily at each other.
Who they love and where they live becomes the graph of most people’s lives. However, Mother’s life, a life of almost a century, was defined by the dogs that lived with her.
This caboose of 1941 belonged to Great Northern. Check out what the new owners did.
it’s complicated thermodynamics. And simple economics
the nsa has a secret weapon — you!
Boxers have left hooks and right crosses. Or is it left crosses and right hooks? Anyway, for me, there will only be one kind of hook, and that’s Charlie Taggart’s right hook. Charlie had an iron hook, the result of a boyhood flirtation with dynamite that almost blew him off the map.I will always be indebted to Charlie …
Being a CB radio operator, when I heard static coming from the Hale-Bopp Comet, I homed in on it.I was astonished to make contact with someone lurking behind the comet. Following is a transcript of our conversation:”This is Do,” said a frail voice through the ether.”Are you the leader of that cult that killed…
He died Sunday, October 10, in Edmonton. His family had sold his house and he had moved into the Waterford, an assisted living complex. He stayed there barely a week and then had to return to the Grey Nuns Hospital and intensive care.His short-term memory was burned out, but I could get him back on track by talking…
My wife, Kate, and I have had our most serious arguments because of extreme clutter, spawned by her deep-seated neuroses. Our condo had become a colossal trash compactor. I hired a professional organizer, Sally Wigglesworth. Now I may be facing homicide charges.
If you are looking for the smartest scholars in the world come to my home, within walking distance of The University of Alberta. I rent rooms to four grad students who attend the great campus. I would put my four fellows up against any group of scholars who have ever lived. Aristotle, Einstein, Hawking. It would not matter. My lads – in their sleep
They say nothing ever happened in Coronation but I heard stories about the Gent from Geneva, who in the late 1940s, arrived in Alberta. This guy, I think his name was Franz, had seen a travelogue of Western Canada. Its majestic Rocky Mountains gave Franz the idea that moving to Alberta was like living in Switzerland….
They say nothing happened in Coronation but they must have been out of town one Saturday night in 1960. The evening started out dull, not much to do but watch a movie at The Avalon, the town’s only theater, or maybe wander over to the Chinese cafe and have a cold Coke and a warm piece of pie. Then eat it slowly and wonder what would become of you.
They say nothing happens in Coronation.
They are certainly not goose hunters.
Coronation is on the fly path of millions of geese that migrate between the Arctic and Mexico each year. There were a lot when I lived there in the 50s.
By the way, I visited your website and there is a terrific photo of you. You are beautiful and you don’t have a single wrinkle. What a marvelous smile you have. As soon as I saw your photo I trusted you. Of course you couldn’t use that photo on your passport. It could land you in the slammer.
Bill Meilen told me that the difference between a wedding and a funeral in Wales is one less drunk. At the time he was gravely ill but even so his humor did not fail him.
Days later on September 4, 2006, Bill, 73, died.
My wife, Kate, and I attended his funeral in downtown Vancouver, B.C.
My wife, Kate, and I have had our most serious arguments because of extreme clutter, spawned by her deep-seated neuroses. Our condo had become a colossal trash compactor. Help was on the way…. Or so we thought.
We charge a nominal $20 overdraft fee (plus interest). The unpaid interest on the dollar is 18 percent. This means that we must wait a full four years to double our money.
News Item: The Iraqi government has enlisted Saddam Hussein look-alikes in an effort to thwart assassination attempts on their leader. In a secret section of Iraq, Saddam Hussein strolled past the his many clones, standing ramrod straight.
Freddie and Winnie produced two children. A boy, George, was born with a gigantic head. He was a hydrocephalic. The kids branded him Humpty Dumpty.
Dear Ms. Bendhard, Let us set the record straight. I have never entered your condo illegally. As you know, I have a number of listening devices, including a stethoscope that I use to locate running water. Wayward water and wayward vixens are my concern!
Recently my wife and I vacationed in Hawaii. I found a fascinating biography by Elder Trevrep, a missionary, who helped civilize the natives. Here is the preface to his book:
Aloha!
It turned out that we ran low on bibles after a few days. To be fair to the natives
Compromise is the key to marriages and volcanoes. For example, my wife, Kate, who is a flight attendant, had three Maui trips back-to-back. She suggested I go with her. “Can we afford it?” I asked. “After all, we’re trying to live on your salary while I write the Great American Novel.”
My friend, Martha Stew, invited me go shopping with her. As readers will recall it was Martha who taught me how to make her world famous pasta sauce.
As we drove to the market, I asked Martha why it was that my sauce never seemed to taste as good as hers.”Your basic ingredients are stale,” explained the world’s greatest chef.
Although I have not spoken French for over 40 years, I remember all of it from junior high. (I was a child prodigy in romance languages.)
Even my French teacher said I had an astonishing approach to linguistics. Curious she flunked me. Jealous, no doubt.
My wife, Kate, has this hormone imbalance thing. A lot of woman do. It caused us a few problems so we decided to see a marriage counselor.
The marriage counselor, Dr. Seesaw, said that woman were from Venus and guys were from Mars. I asked Dr. Seesaw where she got her counseling degree? NASA, maybe?
It took four men to carry it down our basement. My father plugged in our new freezer and opened the cavernous contraption. “I’ve heard,” said Dad, “that kids have gotten into things like this, closed the lid and perished.”
