Ax and Ye Shall Receive

Pablo Moreira, 28, a Uruguay banker, says he will sue United Airlines and Tony Robbins for interfering with his travel plans.

“It started out innocently enough,” said the banker. “After we took off from the States I told some of the flight attendants that I could secure preferred charge cards for people who are superior credit risks.”

Apparently Flight Attendant Kate Lindsey said she was interested and Mr. Moreira inquired what kind of underwear she was going to charge if she obtained a platinum card. Ms. Lindsey suggested that the banker return to his seat and shut up.

Mr. Moreira, grumbling, complied. However, five minutes later, as the aircraft flew at over 500 MPH, the banker Karate-kicked the titanium-reinforced flight deck door and wiggled under it.

Inside the cockpit, United Copilot Oscar Baer asked Mr. Moreira what he was doing under the door.

“I’m here to talk about a credit card consolidation loan. We offer a terrific deal for those who maintain high monthly balances.”

“I appreciate your concern,” said Copilot Baer. “But my wife and I pay off our credit cards every month. We are at 33,000 feet and this is no time to talk banking.”

“I’d like to fly the plane then,” said the banker.

“Can you handle the controls of a Boeing 777 airliner?” asked Copilot Baer.

“No,” said Mr. Moreira. “And since I don’t tell you how to pilot your plane through the Friendly Skies, don’t you presume to tell me how or when to be a banker. My financial institute waives ATM charges if you maintain a balance of one thousand dollars.”

“Return to your seat now,” said the copilot.

“It has been my experience that very few of you United employees appreciate the importance of sound personal financial strategy. I bet you don’t even know how to read a simple spreadsheet. As a courtesy I will acquaint you with the procedure,” said Mr. Moreira.

The copilot warned the banker that if he didn’t take his seat and buckle up immediately, then Mr. Moreira, who was more than halfway into the cockpit, would be acquainted with a fire ax.

“How are you fixed for mortgage insurance?” asked the banker.

“We rent. We don’t have a mortgage. Stop wiggling into the flight deck or I’m going to tap you with this ax,” said Copilot Baer.

“There are solid tax advantages to tapping into your own home equity. But since you don’t have the common sense God gave you to own a home, you can’t even tap into your own equity,” said the banker.

“I promise I will tap you,” said the copilot.

“Double dare you, you yellow-bellied fiscal fool!”

There were several conflicting reports on how many times the aviator took the double dare. Afterwards, a half dozen passengers jerked Mr. Moreira out of the cockpit and sat on him for the remainder of the flight.

A Federal Aviation Administration spokeswoman reported that the plane landed in Buenos Aires, Argentina, without further incident.

Police have charged Mr. Moreira with pestering a flight crew.

Moreira, who recently graduated from a Tony Robbins’ marketing course, complained of extreme single tinnitus (a ringing ear) and hemorrhaging. He also filed a “lost and found” report for a missing ear.

A South American MD prescribed 25 adult aspirins for the Uruguay banker. The doctor plans to consolidate his credit card debt with a homeowner loan for tax purposes.

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