Girl Talk – I am My Kid’s Nightmare

Dr. Laura: I'm my kid’s mom and I'm here to share with you the importance of living high moral principles even if those around you call you a tattletale, goodie two-shoes or religious fanatic. We have Monica on the line. What's your problem, Honey? Monica: I'm a sexual addict.

Dr. Laura:  I’m my kid’s mom and I’m here to share with you the importance of living high moral principles even if those around you call you a tattletale, goodie two-shoes or religious fanatic. We have Monica on the line. What’s your problem, Honey?

Monica:  I’m a sexual addict.

Dr. Laura:  In other words you’ve done naughty things with the part of your body God intended you to use only after you were married. Rather than take the blame for being a moral degenerate, you’re hiding behind a label. Sexual addict! What a crock.

Monica:  Like okay, but I don’t think everything is, like, all my fault.

Dr. Laura:  Oh pleehze, honey. Don’t try to slip one past the good shrink. It’s my job to cut to the heart of your problem and then help you see what a pathetic and immoral person you are. Then maybe we can get you cured in the next three minutes or at the very least before our station break. Isn’t it a fact you and President Clinton acted like a pair of wild chimps in heat on the floor of the oval office?

Monica:  Yes, but he told me he was going to divorce Hillary and marry me and make me his under secretary of state.

Dr. Laura:  Hello? Hello? He just wanted to get you under him. God should strike you dead. Not only did you behave like a common dolphin, you did it for some kind of reward. You know what you call a slut who trades her body for financial gain? It rhymes with institute and starts with p.

Monica:  A, a – prostitute?

Dr. Laura:  You’ve got that right, you little harlot. People like you make me want to puke and if it weren’t for the fact that my listeners like to feel superior to sickos like you, I would never let you on this talk show. After all, I’m my kid’s mom.

Monica:  What can I do?

Dr. Laura:  Not much, you blew this life. You don’t deserve to ever get married, have children or even call me back again. I wish you were in the studio with me, I’d take a horsewhip to you. That would really kick up my ratings.

Monica:  But what happened with Bill was not all my fault.

Dr. Laura:  You’re talking to the wrong shrink, Honey. You’ve made your bed now sleep in it. Have you ever tried sleeping in a bed? It might be a novel experience for you. He-heh. God, I love my sense of humor.

Monica:  You don’t sound like any shrink I’ve ever heard before.

Dr. Laura:  Maybe if you’d spent a little more time understanding psychiatry instead of changing the President’s oil, you’d have a clue.

Monica:  Yeah, well I read you don’t even have a recognized degree in psychology. And you sure never graduated from any medical school –

Dr. Laura:  We’re talking about you, you little slut, not me. Doc Laura does very well for herself thank you very much. How many radio shrinks do you know who have a multi-million dollar contract?

Monica:  I don’t know any.

Dr. Laura:  You’re damn straight you don’t, you power hungry trollop.

Monica:  Well, maybe I am a slut, but at least I didn’t get my lover to take nude snapshots of me, like a certain multi-million dollar radio shrink did.

Dr. Laura:  What are you yapping about?

Monica:  When you were married and starting out in radio you called up Bill Balance and instigated an ongoing sexual affair with him and you encouraged him take nude snapshots of you and – (sound of a click, followed by dead air) Hello, Dr. Laura – are you there? Hello, hello – ?

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Jaron Summers wrote dozens of primetime television and radio programs, including those for HBO, CBS, ACCESS TV and CBC. He conceived the TV and Film Institute of Canada. Funded by the University of Alberta and ITV, Jaron ran the Institute for 12 years, donating his services for a decade.

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