Outdead – the flip side of outlive

Part one of one part …. …. if you acquire something and you outlive it, you may fret about replacing it … not to worry … most stuff is hard to outlive. Think plastic bags. Today they’re for carrying oranges home from a farmer’s market; tomorrow the  bags are part of a super highway or a giant death ball plugging up some ocean. Obtain anything and DIE before it wears out or gets lost, you outlived it … you expired first, you are part of the clouds–you predeceased that secret stash of porno or gold Krugerrand behind the baseboard in the second bedroom. It  didn’t outlive you. You OUTDEADED it. Because you did not outlive it, you outdeaded it.

My many pens and pencils

for example, I spent far too much time acquiring the correct writing instrument and not nearly enough time writing. Really, not enough time re-writing which is the secret of writing. My pens and crayons and pencils and chalk will last longer than me. They will outlive me. But since I will outdead them, I don’t have to buy new ones. Since I no longer waste time buying writing instruments, I was able to assemble the following graph detailing my lifespan and the useful lifespan (factoring in planned obsolescence) of things I own. I plan to have the two events happen at the same instant, thus doing my part to get rid of clutter on my deathbed. Planned obsolescence. I did not come up with this. God did when He made Adam and Eve. You may not believe in Creationism. That’s okay — Mr. and Mrs. Darwin made a son and he came up with natural selection. Which screams planned obsolescence (PO). Here is a graph to show how creationists and Darwin people are on the same wave length.

PO explains how dinosaurs came from chickens. Or some kind of birds. The dinos disappeared when Colonel Harland David Sanders, an American businessman, started breeding chickens by the acre and displaced the dinosaurs. I made a graph for that too.  

The lesson from understanding Outdead?

  My wife must stop buying pencils and pens.  We don’t need anymore writing instruments. I do not include computers, tablets and smart phones as actual writing instruments.  They are “auxiliary items” which I am in charge of buying. I am working on a graph to explain that to Kate.