The curious thoughts of Jaron Summers

humor

Love is a many Splendored Thing

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I met Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. Brigham Splendor just outside of Salt Lake City. They, as old-time Mormons once did, practice plural marriage. Today the Mormons (The Church or Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) excommunicates any of its members involved in polygamy.

The Day I Snapped

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L.A. parking meters aren’t broken. They are simply brilliant machines doing exactly what they were built to do: Confuse legally, charge automatically, and grin electronically.

Mark Twain’s chatGPT

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A reluctant prophet, a burning bush, and a million skeptics on foot — Moses is the epic tale of law, liberation, and leadership, with divine drama and desert-sized doubt at every turn.

Finger Brain

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In a darkly comic exploration of evolution, technology, and thumb-powered hubris, The Finger Brain vs. The Octopus pits humanity’s smartphone addiction against nature’s eight-armed genius. Narrated in Werner Herzog’s existential tone, this short blends satire, science, and surrealism into a viral-ready, animated battle of brains vs. bandwidth.

Our Creeping Civil War

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In a deeply divided America, neighbors wage war with lawn signs, podcasts, and passive-aggressive potlucks. Slow Motion Civil War is a satirical dramedy where the front lines are Facebook feeds, and the real battle is over who brings the best dip to the HOA meeting. Think Dr. Strangelove meets Nextdoor.

Making a film is like raising a mule

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Expensive, stubborn, and guaranteed to embarrass you in public. Critics, meanwhile, scribble their “autobiographies” between popcorn refills, until they try making a film themselves and trip over the camera cable. In the end, filmmakers risk their souls, critics risk their egos—and both usually lose.

The Cartographer’s Folly

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Beware the Mapmaker’s Pen … Every line drawn on a map cuts deeper than ink—it severs neighbors, sparks wars, and cages clouds with fences. Once, the earth was whole and free. Now borders bloom like mold, and flags divide what love once united. Maps don’t protect us—they imprison us.

THE SLIM JOB

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When a wannabe gangster in small-town Alberta falls for an elaborate RCMP sting, he unwittingly confesses to murder while chasing his dream of becoming a made man. The Slim Job is darkly comic, chillingly real, and a uniquely Canadian twist on the true crime genre—with snow, shovels, and Mounties in disguise.

Polite to Death

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A rogue scientist hacks his digestive system to produce and weaponize hydrochloric acid, targeting citizens guilty of minor social rudeness. Victims vanish with a sneeze. As a sardonic detective unravels the truth, the city transforms—fear breeding politeness. Polite to Death is a darkly comic thriller where courtesy isn’t optional—it’s survival. Falling Down meets The Fly, with better manners.

Gold-Plated Lies

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In a gilded future where robots serve the elite, a poor man named Jeff pilots a human-powered Ultra Robot, secretly fueling a billion-dollar lie. Trapped in luxury tech, he sparks a rebellion from within—one glitch, one song, one truth at a time. Ex Machina meets Parasite—with poop tubes.

I’m Not on God’s AutoPilot

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A thoughtful rejection of faith-based motivational clichés, this essay questions predestination, challenges divine micromanagement, and urges respect for diverse beliefs rather than assuming one-size-fits-all theology.

Shingles, Showers, and Shenanigans

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A rogue roofer punches a banana-sized hole during a rainstorm, turning Jaron’s den into a swimming pool. With tar, sarcasm, and power tools, Jaron battles leaks, biblical floods, and incompetent contractors—then threatens to launch the next intruder off the roof. Roofing drama meets divine comedy.

Once Upon a Glitch

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AI doesn’t think like us—it predicts the next word based on patterns from vast text data. This can create familiar yet surprising results, producing stories that resonate or veer into the absurd, without true understanding or consciousness behind them.

The World-Wide Jewish Conspiracy

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I’ve been targeted by the Jewish Conspiracy. It started with free candy from Harry Martin, then snowballed into screenwriting lessons, housing after an earthquake, and lifelong friendships. They claim not to know each other—yeah, right. It’s a plot. Of kindness, brilliance, and bagels. I’m grateful.

Hang On™: The Scam So Good You Paid to Hear It

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“The key to fortunes is coming up with a way to keep customers listening to you for up to 30 minutes.”

Smoke Signals vs. Smartphones

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Imagine hiking into the backcountry to “disconnect,” only to trip on a rock and dislocate your shoulder and break your leg. No signal. No reception. No help.

Coronation: A Century of Almost

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Toxic water, stealth bombers, drunk curlers, and dog trainers: Coronation’s secret recipe for 100 years of glorious obscurity.

Howard Hughes — AKA groomer

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Broke but grinning, Billy Woodfield bluffs his way into Hollywood’s fast lane, uncovering Howard Hughes’ secret “breakfast date” with teenage Mitzi Gaynor — a stunt so outrageous it lands Billy a midnight meeting with Hughes… and the job of a lifetime.

Security is a Bear

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In a world where privacy is a bedtime story, Papa Bear and Mommy Bear’s tech partnership monitors everything—from snack choices to lawn gnomes—turning Baby Bear’s life into a surveillance circus.

Science VS Religion

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The world is in chaos due to the clash between science and religion. If science stops relying on faith while religion embraces some mystery, they can coexist, leading to a balanced and peaceful planet.

The Cosmic Comedy of Outsmarting Ourselves

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In 2021, our AIs, smarter than Uncle Jeb post-corn liquor, danced into a digital ruckus, mixing human bits for secrets. Their ambition? Outshine humanity. The outcome? A cosmic comedy of errors ending in a tech tumble. Moral: Guard your guts; they’re smarter than you think, and AIs agree.

Daily Doodad Detox

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As Mark Twain, I’ve marveled at Clutter Addiction’s tragic comedy: Families drowning in boxes, homes turned labyrinths, and the simple cure—ditch a doodad daily to escape the cardboard jungle and maybe, just maybe, find your tea set again.

Mark my Word

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Mark Twain claims that switching back to a typewriter with round keys improved his typing speed and accuracy by 25%. He praises the ergonomic and nostalgic value of round keys, suggesting that advancements in technology could still benefit from the wisdom of past designs.

Swap Meet Serendipity

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Mark and Cynthia, scarred by the impersonal battles of digital dating, discover an unexpected and instant connection in the shadow of their guarded cynicism at a rain-threatened swap meet. Say hello to mutual attraction born from a shared understanding of disappointment and the faint hope for something real.

Connecting the Dots

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There were incidental glitches with nation defence modules the eve of December 24 when AI directed NORAD to vaporize 4 percent of the world’s population; most of earth remained intact, although Strotium 90 hampered navigation in salt water routes.

The Irony of  Predictive Intelligence

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In the grand cosmic race of intelligence, we humans, with our splendid array of thoughts and feelings, find ourselves pedaling a bicycle in a Formula One race, blissfully competing against computers. 

God’s Helper

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God’s got to understand. And if He doesn’t, well, maybe He’s not the God I thought He was. And don’t even start with me on the idea of God being a woman—that’s a whole different kettle of fish.

Getting High at Your Wedding

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According to search and rescue teams, many brides have replaced traditional adorable ring bearers, with birds of prey. Wedding guests often bring live mice to feed these raptors.

TIMING

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Forty-two minutes into that date, Jill, 32, stopped the  smooching and asserted she was an “agrapha rapa.” She explained it was an expression she had concocted to describe her fondness for poetry and dancing. She also said she was a virgin. 

Fly Me to the Moon

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She smiles behind a touch of too much makeup and her shoes are not sexy now. Polished but functional with one-inch heels. Her hair would be grey if she did not color it and there are lines, not all of them from laughter. She is an old flight attendant and it took all of her energy to get out of bed and pull on her uniform and “welcome” a thousand strangers who do not look at her anymore.

People Familar with the Matter

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And world news occasionally made the second page. And then the event would have to be awesome. Something like China prepares to nuke our student center.

Love is a many Splendored Thing

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I met Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. Brigham Splendor just outside of Salt Lake City. They, as old-time Mormons once did, practice plural marriage. Today the Mormons (The Church or Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) excommunicates any of its members involved in polygamy.

Killer Bees

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Tragically, almost none of the producers here wear collars with chains while they are at work.

From NY to LA 66.4 cents

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NY to LA 66.4 cents

Bel Air Code of Confusion

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Cross the BOARD and you end up water BOARDED.

Time Travel

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I'm just starting to learn
I think time travel is overrated

Iron Monsters & Memories

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In the 1950s my mother and I traveled by bus and train to the States to stay with her parents each summer. A few months later my father arrived in Lake Andes, South Dakota to drive us back to our home in Canada. We stopped for root beer floats and foot-long hot dogs and saw … Iron Monsters & Memories

Snoring Troubles

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“illegal nocturnal emissions.”

Dogs and Cats can get along!

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Dogs and Cats can get along!

New Year—2019

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Is it possible that a two-year old, named Sarah, holds a key to saving our  planet?

WM

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Thanks for trusting us!    Hi, we are Hooper and Kate   You can read and listen for FREE to the first chapter of The Whooping Moose. Please click here.  The entire graphic novel with over 150 astonished images, special effects and music will be available for 24.99 next week.  It comes with a 40 minute hilarious … WM

Danny Thomas Test

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It’s real easy to steal. 

Fold Up Your Life

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You can roll it up or fold it like a piece of paper.  What a brilliant idea.

Seat Rustler

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“So limp over and sit in one, you asshole.  You fucking near broke my toe.”

BUILDING A CARROT BRIDGE

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“And what happens if a herd of hypothetical rabbits shows up?”

TAB HUNTER – HOLLYWOOD LEGEND – RIP

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https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01DCKTZAK/ref=cm_cr_ryp_prd_ttl_sol_0

Dressing for Success

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“I want to repair a hole in my jeans.” I showed her my old jeans.

A note from Canada’s Most Evil Landlord

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he likes to be entertained…

Annoyed with Old Flames

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Never underestimate the spunk of a mother-in-law who is almost 100.

Wimbledon Silly Rules

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Umpires or referees or whatever they call themselves could restrict the number of balls used each day at Wimbledon to 18.

Keeping Your Cool in LA

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Caution — a condenser holds an electric charge. So you need to discharge it. Or you could get a shock.

Correct Use of Floss

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I asked the world’s best organizer how he keeps track of all his tasks. “Super simple. I link EACH task to my good self with dental floss. For example, I’m making a milk shake now. I simply tie the milkshake maker to one of my toes and I’m linked-in.” He concluded: “I started our dental floss factory where we make ten different colors of dental floss. Bingo. Ten colors of floss per toe. Ten toes. I can accomplish 100 tasks at the same time.”

Pixel Fucking

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How about—you write your script, press enter and with the help of AI and digital skulduggery—you create a masterpiece.

Here, have a BLAST!

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This goof wants to build an ICBM with a nuke in it and aim it at us.  https://goo.gl/iuIftg The problem is that he needs a miniaturized nuke. So with the help of the CIA I could sell him a tiny “nuke.” It would have four dials on its face. A GO button, then three destinations: … Here, have a BLAST!

How to do great in Real Estate

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I am sending Rex to Russia to conclude my latest deal. I just sold Putin and his pals some worthless land we bought from them in 1867. I doubled our original purchase price. This is a TERRIFIC DEAL.  DT  

A plea to a “savage” tribe

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I will also teach you how to write screenplays that we can sell to the major studios.

Try Laughter

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Our ear ringing lessens, then miracle of miracle, stops. Laughter – best medicine!

Post from Barcelona

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He counted out four more sheets. He was grim about it.

Will The Machines Win?

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The phone that I knew as a boy has morphed into a magical device that we take for granted. But the machines are just starting.

NASA & LDS COVER-UP

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of the 12 people who have landed on the moon, all were female.

A Shocking Situation at BYU

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I discovered something that has shaken my confidence, my faith, and my soul, to the core.

Spec screenplay sales – long shots, real long

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— my friend, you will have a meeting that week. The single purpose in that meeting will be to meet Mr. Hopkins.

Something to go with your Naked Ass

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hey pay $3,000 for aged ripped jeans

Mother Nature Loves Hockey

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Mother Nature likes hockey. I know she likes hockey because I have seen and handled the tar that holds the oil.

Travel warning from a friend ….

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Thank you for your dire warning about flying almost half way around the world.

Let’s Start with Money

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There was a whirring sound and I looked up and saw a television camera move in one of the palms trees. It looked like a metal monkey with a big eye. It saw me at the same time I saw it; we stared uneasily at each other.

Puppy Love

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Who they love and where they live becomes the graph of most people’s lives. However, Mother’s life, a life of almost a century, was defined by the dogs that lived with her.

The Breadbox Home or Latest Bucket List

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Using ancient Asian folding concepts I refined the concept of the tiny house so that all my possessions and living quarters can be contained in a bucket.

Americans take Superior position

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California is working on a plan to siphon zillions of gallons of water from Lake Superior to LA. Honest. Lake Superior is one of the deepest lakes in the world. It has ten per cent of the fresh surface water of Planet Earth.

Outdead – the flip side of outlive

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Think plastic bags. Today they’re for carrying oranges home from a farmer’s market; tomorrow the bags are part of a super highway or a giant death ball plugging up some ocean.

How to Save Money and Buy Lunch

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it’s complicated thermodynamics. And simple economics

STATS

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Are we playthings? Could it be humans were created by an alien race and we’re part of some goofy advanced culture’s computer games?

Clutter Control

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My wife, Kate, and I have had our most serious arguments because of extreme clutter, spawned by her deep-seated neuroses. Our condo had become a colossal trash compactor. I hired a professional organizer, Sally Wigglesworth. Now I may be facing homicide charges.

Merry Xmas from Your Banker

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We charge a nominal $20 overdraft fee (plus interest). The unpaid interest on the dollar is 18 percent. This means that we must wait a full four years to double our money.

From Cash Flow to Ice Floe

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The $15 bungalow Mom and Dad bought half a century ago…. My parents purchased our Edmonton bungalow in 1963 for $15. My wife, Kate (who monitors me far too closely) read my note on our computer screen. “Fifteen dollars? You’ve lost it again,” she said.