Bel Air Code of Confusion

Cross the BOARD and you end up water BOARDED.

I applaud our condo board for sending each of the owners a “Code of Conduct” to help us create a happier atmosphere.  

However, many of us were hoping for stronger penalties against those among us who violate the rules and regulations of our CC&Rs. 

As it stands, we can still fine and punish evil-doers who break our rules, but we need penalties with sharper teeth. 

I’m referring to those owners who do not respect the board members and their dear leader.

Admittedly,  the board has driven us into insurance disasters of epic proportions (some of us contemplate suicide), but those misfortunes are not a justification to speak ill of our beloved board. 

That is simply hurtful. Our broad works tirelessly for our benefit. 

We need to protect them. We need safe zones for them.  Gazebos with hurricane-resistant glass come to mind.   

I vote to continue additional fines against malcontents and to ban them from common areas.   

Addidtonally, if the president of the HOA spies violations such as pets riding the elevator or residents, in body casts, failing to close doors, or homeowners improperly folding cardboard for disposal, then let’s treat the lawbreakers to a well-deserved water treatment in our swimming pool,  

Get it? 

Cross the BOARD and you end up being water BOARDED.  heh-heh.   

Seriously, anyone who creates a nuisance could benefit by being dunked in our never-used swimming pool. 

If a few rogue owners drown, that’s karma. 

And. if the malcontents continue to flaunt our rules, let’s lock them in the trash room for the weekend.  The stench will teach complainers the importance of complying with our board’s edicts. 

If the swimming pool and the trash room fail to teach our malcontents respect, then there is plenty of room on our hillside to hoist dissenters by their ankles and let them twist in the breeze. 

All of us need to be reminded of the rules, and, by the way, if I have done anything to offend members of the board, then I apologize and stand ready to be punished. 

Give me the water treatment, the trash bin cage, or the upside-down swaying from a branch. 

Feel free to administer pinata punishment. 

Stuff my body in a gunny sack, suspend it from a tree, and beat the sack. 

Use rolling pins to thrash me, and if the HOA board still feels I need to be disciplined,  employ tire irons to pound me. 

Pound away until blood squirts out of my ears.

If I still fail to comply with the board, tie me to the president’s doormat and duct tape my ears to that door so I have to listen to our president practice singing off-key for hours on end. 

You know what it sounds like–a stoned cowboy coupling with an unwilling Tasmanian Devil that has just learned to yodel. 

jaron summers, Christmas 2022

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Jaron Summers wrote dozens of primetime television and radio programs, including those for HBO, CBS, ACCESS TV and CBC. He conceived the TV and Film Institute of Canada. Funded by the University of Alberta and ITV, Jaron ran the Institute for 12 years, donating his services for a decade.

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