Snoring Troubles

"illegal nocturnal emissions."

Certainly, you can and should call the police.

And, Friend, I share your pain and frustration.

We had a neighbor (Charlie Fast) who sneezed with such force that it blew three buds off my prize roses. In addition the sound was EXTREME.

I estimated over 9,000 decibels!!! Louder than seven acres of wind turbines. We are talking hurricane force.

Charlie often sneezed in the middle of the night.

The police gave the old man a warning ticket for “illegal nocturnal emissions” but Charlie claimed it WAS HIS DOG that was making the noise.

I knew that was a lie so I poisoned his dog.

That shut up Charlie for about 48 hours. Although his crying was a damn bother.

But wouldn’t you know it?

Charlie Fast’s sneezes woke me up two days later at 4:23 am (I keep a journal on this bastard) and I called the police again.

This time the authorities sent a SWAT team. They wore black body armor, carried militiary-grade fire power and all of them were issued heavy-duty earplugs.

They used the old battering ram to KNOCK down Charlie’s door and they demanded that he stop making such a racket.

Charlie said he would comply but no one in the SWAT Team could hear him because they were all wearing those industrial strength ear plugs.

So they shot him. Now he’s dead. Good bye, Charlie.

When you call the police, ask to speak to the head of their Noise Abatement Squad (ABS). These guys take rogue sounds seriously. Especially “illegal nocturnal emissions.” The ABS often use military drones to “disappear” noisy passenger aircraft that drop below 12,048 feet over populated cities.

God bless and good luck!

Elder Summers


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Jaron Summers wrote dozens of primetime television and radio programs, including those for HBO, CBS, ACCESS TV and CBC. He conceived the TV and Film Institute of Canada. Funded by the University of Alberta and ITV, Jaron ran the Institute for 12 years, donating his services for a decade.

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