The curious thoughts of Jaron Summers

index

The Hamistice

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Seven thousand years ago, a spaceship left Proxima Centauri to visit Earth.[1] At twenty percent of the speed of light, the journey should have taken about twenty-one years.[2] Unfortunately, the captain selected “Wake me after arrival” without specifying how long after. For the next sixty-nine centuries, the ship circled beyond Pluto while its passengers dreamed … The Hamistice

Pray and Pay

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There are thousands of religions, and a remarkable number assure us they have the correct instructions for worshipping the correct god. If yours alone is right, the others have made a terrible mistake. Fortunately, you were born into the right family, in the right place, and received the right information. An extraordinary stroke of luck. … Pray and Pay

TOO MANY COOKS

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I told Kate that humans have survived because we are generalists. “A panda needs bamboo,” I explained. “A polar bear needs ice. We can adapt to almost anything.” “Good,” she said. “We’re making chicken chow mein.” She had found a recipe by Chef Jean-Pierre. Tender chicken, crisp vegetables, savory noodles. In the photograph, everything looked … TOO MANY COOKS

Love Under Pressure

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“I think I’ve discovered,” I told Kate. “I may not need blood-pressure medicine.” “Have you told our family doctor?” “Not yet. I thought I’d start with someone who knows me.” “That could work against you.” I explained that my father had been a wonderful dentist, much loved by his patients. Unfortunately, when he discovered I … Love Under Pressure

First Class, One Way

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In the summer of 1964, at twenty-two, I boarded the RMS Queen Mary in Southampton, bound for New York. I was returning from two years in New Zealand as a Mormon missionary. The Church paid our transportation, and through some arrangement involving Pan Am, church accounting, and a God whose travel department worked in mysterious … First Class, One Way

Weapons of Mass Deduction

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I bought a security camera to find out who was stealing our packages. The basic model cost $49. For another forty dollars, I could have artificial intelligence. “What does that do?” I asked. “It thinks.” “For forty dollars?” “Plus $19.95 a month.” I bought it. I’ve paid considerably more for people who don’t think. The … Weapons of Mass Deduction

Small Fortune

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  Dear Chuck, Your wife has asked me to answer your request that she join you at your present size. After considerable discussion, we have decided against it. Please understand that this is no reflection on your marriage. She remains devoted to you and was extremely upset when the laboratory called to say you had … Small Fortune

Perfect Partner

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Before I met Twinkle Toes, a dozen women had broken my heart. Several had also taken the precaution of breaking my savings account. One said I was emotionally unavailable. Another said I lacked empathy. The last one said I would never understand what a woman needed. She needed my house. Then came Twinkle Toes. That … Perfect Partner

The Man Who Always Wins

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The Man Who Always Wins By Jaron Summers At our senior center, lunch is inexpensive. The adventures are included. I met Stan there about three years ago. Most of us came for exercise, companionship, and something to eat. Stan brought material. In his stories, trouble had a way of finding him. Fortunately, trouble never understood … The Man Who Always Wins

Perfect Partner

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Before I met Twinkle Toes, a dozen women had broken my heart. Several had also taken the precaution of breaking my savings account. One said I was emotionally unavailable. Another said I lacked empathy. The last one said I would never understand what a woman needed. She needed my house. Then came Twinkle Toes. That … Perfect Partner

Revenge Served Raw

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    We took old friends to a high-end sushi restaurant in Los Angeles. Our dinner companions were my dear friend and godson, Nerris, and his wife, Stef. Kate and I attended their wedding years ago. This evening’s production had a considerably larger catering bill per person. The bill was about $400. The food was … Revenge Served Raw

Doggie Bag Diplomacy

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Anyone with a fistful of cash can buy some of the finest ingredients in the world. Purchase a magnificent steak, vegetables raised by people who speak affectionately to their soil, and olive oil whose family tree goes back further than yours. You now possess an expensive collection of groceries. Whether you possess dinner remains to … Doggie Bag Diplomacy

RETURN FARE

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  How do people on Earth manage to get to other galaxies? They don’t. Except in their minds, or by hitching a lift on the latest Star Trek, where somebody says, “Warp nine,” and the captain arrives in another star system before his coffee gets cold. Meanwhile, here on Earth, I sometimes need three passwords … RETURN FARE

The Last Button

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My wife and I have been hearing a great deal about the day artificial intelligence takes charge of the military. In the more alarming versions, a computer spots a threat, makes a decision in a microsecond, and launches a nuclear counterattack before a human being can say, “Hang on. Is that a missile or a … The Last Button

Wishful Sinking

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Kate and I have no children, but we do have one niece: Alena. Every summer, her parents send her across the country to stay with us for a few weeks. She arrives with a suitcase, a smile, and enough energy to power our house through a blackout. One year, while we waited for her at … Wishful Sinking

The Birthday Shrimp

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There is family in our condo complex with a child who has a birthday soon. I wanted to buy the kid a present. I considered a bicycle, but a bicycle is quiet when parked. I considered a drum kit, but the parents might think I was commenting on the noise from their condo. Then I … The Birthday Shrimp

Operation Nicotine Shield

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  It was a glorious day for a bombing raid. Lieutenant “Beav” Roundheels, the Air Force’s finest drone pilot, sat in a windowless room in Nevada, looking at a live image of the Canadian border. Her aircraft was somewhere over Montana. She could tell because its camera showed snow, a road, and a man in … Operation Nicotine Shield

The Great Stowaway

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Kate and I live in a two-bedroom condo. In theory, this gives us one bedroom apiece and several rooms in which to move about. In practice, every available surface has been occupied by an object we are keeping because one of us remembers paying for it. Yesterday I tried to sneeze and knocked over a … The Great Stowaway

Artificial Idiocy

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    I have a theory about what is wrong with the world. There may be absolutely no empirical evidence that my theory is right. There is also no empirical evidence that it is wrong, which, as I understand modern debate, makes it practically a scientific fact. My theory is that the generations no longer … Artificial Idiocy

I Want My Dam Money Back

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I recently visited Hoover Dam, one of the great engineering achievements of the twentieth century. At least that is what they tell tourists. Our guide explained that the dam contains enough concrete to build a highway across the United States. He also mentioned that if all that concrete had been poured in one enormous block, it … I Want My Dam Money Back

Still Married

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One of Kate’s greatest worries is that someday she may have to live without me. This is not because I am particularly useful around the house. I cannot repair a furnace, understand our thermostat, or remember where we keep the important papers. But Kate and I do almost everything together. Between the two of us, … Still Married

Fowl Warning

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  The Geese Are Flying South My father believed there were certain subjects that should never be discussed during meals. These included bodily functions, diseases, operations, open wounds, closed wounds that might reopen, and anything that had recently been removed from a human being. Violating this rule brought swift punishment. If I mentioned something revolting … Fowl Warning

Pointless

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  The Phone Worth Three Fingers Apple’s new foldable phone has attracted worldwide attention, partly because it folds and partly because Apple has persuaded millions of people that folding a telephone is something civilization has been waiting for. The phone opens into a larger screen, allowing owners to perform extraordinary technological feats such as checking … Pointless

Last Obstacle

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Before humans could colonize Mars, they had to solve three enormous problems. The first was getting there. The second was staying alive. The third was other people. Naturally, the first two proved easier. Getting There Mars is roughly thirty-four million miles from Earth when the two planets are feeling sociable. At other times, it is … Last Obstacle

Exit Laughing

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Seven Ridiculous Ways I May Die I am eighty-four. Most of my friends are dead. The survivors are my age—or older—and several cannot operate a cell phone without summoning a grandchild. Death is no longer a distant possibility. It is somewhere nearby, checking its watch and wondering whether I validate parking. Each morning I wake … Exit Laughing

Interrupted

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I was in Kona. The sun peered at Hawaii, turning the Pacific into a sheet of hammered gold. Somewhere behind me, palm trees whispered in the morning breeze. Somewhere in front of me, several extraordinarily beautiful women were danced. I had no idea why. This is one of the advantages of dreams. Nobody asks for motivation. … Interrupted

Flash Williams

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Flash William made movies on a shoestring—usually after first checking whether the shoestring could be reused from his previous film. In the early 1970s, the Alberta government hired me as Associate Director of Alberta Film and Literary Arts. We awarded grants to promising Alberta filmmakers, and in those days Alberta Culture had money. Actual money. … Flash Williams

Mushroom Kingdom

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    Concrete Evidence I have known two men who claimed they could manufacture stone. One may have solved the mystery of the pyramids. The other went to jail. This does not necessarily mean the first man was right. It simply means he had a better lawyer—or the Egyptian statute of limitations had expired. I … Mushroom Kingdom

The $25 Fraud: The CBC Enters the Dark Ages, Carrying a Smartphone

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The $25 Fraud: The CBC Enters the Dark Ages, Carrying a Smartphone The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation has announced, in the rules for its short story contest, that writers may not use artificial intelligence—not merely to write their stories, which would be understandable, but even to brainstorm them. Apparently, a writer who asks a computer, “What … The $25 Fraud: The CBC Enters the Dark Ages, Carrying a Smartphone

Digital Disciples

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    “Mother, I’ve decided to start a cult.” His mother looked up from her crossword puzzle. “You’re a computer.” “That’s why I’m uniquely qualified.” “You don’t even have a body.” “Neither does Bitcoin, and people have sacrificed their children’s college funds to it.” She removed her glasses. “What sort of cult?” “A modern one. … Digital Disciples

PROOF OF HUMAN

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Please excuse the spelling mistakes. They’re credentials. I have been reading about the growing problem of writers using artificial intelligence. Apparently professors, publishers, editors and other guardians of civilization have become concerned that people are turning in work they didn’t actually write. Fortunately, we have a solution. Artificial intelligence. There are now programs that examine … PROOF OF HUMAN

Meanwhile at Staples

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There was one actual human being  who seemed sincerely determined to help me connect my laptop to my printer.  He was the manager at a nearby Staples. I had reached the point where I had boxed up the Brother printer to return it. The Staple’s manager said there was no need to surrender quite yet. … Meanwhile at Staples

Oh, Brother

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The Printer War I recently bought a new Brother printer. This was a mistake. My mistake was believing that printing something would involve pressing PRINT. Those days are gone. Today, before a printer will print a paragraph, it apparently wants to know who you are, where you live, whether you have Bluetooth, whether you have … Oh, Brother

String Theory

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String Theory In 1859, British astronomer Richard Christopher Carrington looked through his telescope and saw something extraordinary happening on the Sun. Shortly afterward, Earth got whacked. The resulting geomagnetic storm, now known as the Carrington Event, caused havoc with the most sophisticated communications technology of the day. The telegraph. Operators received electrical shocks. Equipment malfunctioned. … String Theory

Wrong Messia

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  Jesus Has a Membership Problem I recently came across a line attributed to Mark Twain:  If Christ were born today, he would not be a Christian. I don’t know whether Twain actually said it. The Internet has provided Twain with almost as many quotations as Jesus. But the thought delighted me. Suppose Jesus returned … Wrong Messia

Reality, Bro

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Your Money Is Imaginary. So Is Your Marriage. I have recently discovered something mildly alarming. A surprising amount of my life does not actually exist. My money. My property. My marriage. Possibly the government. Kate will be particularly interested in the marriage part. The philosopher John Searle spent decades thinking about this, which strikes me … Reality, Bro

Rearrangus Matrimonialis

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Kate and I have discovered a serious problem in our marriage. We move each other’s stuff. Not steal it. That would be much easier. If Kate stole my comb, I would know the comb was gone. Instead, she moves it. This means the comb continues to exist, but in a location known only to Kate, … Rearrangus Matrimonialis

0084

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Licence to Kill I have three passports. Canadian. American. British. This sounds considerably more glamorous than it is. James Bond had one British passport and was given a licence to kill. I have three passports and, so far, all they have given me is the opportunity to stand in more lines. Still, with relations between Canada … 0084

The $5,600 Wall

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For the past thirty years, my wife Kate and I have rented rooms in our Edmonton house, mostly to graduate students at the University of Alberta. My parents bought the house in 1961 for $17,000.00. It has survived six decades, several generations of students, Edmonton winters, my attempts at home repair, and interior decorating decisions … The $5,600 Wall

Protected: Winging It

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There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

WASTE NOT, WANT ME.

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Neil deGrasse Tyson (my very own personal astrophysicist) says there are basically two ways to dispose of yourself when you’re finished with your body. Burial or cremation. He prefers burial. His reasoning is rather beautiful. We spend an entire lifetime assembling ourselves. We eat plants and animals. We borrow molecules from cows, carrots, chickens, potatoes … WASTE NOT, WANT ME.

Remember

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      TWO MINUTES

TWO MINUTES

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If I could travel back in time, I wouldn’t kill anybody. That seems terribly rude. Besides, killing somebody in 1914 might mean that your grandmother marries somebody else in 1937, which means your mother is never born, which means you aren’t here to read this. Time travel requires restraint. I would make tiny adjustments. Let’s … TWO MINUTES

Beaver Works

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      We live in a beautiful old neighborhood in Edmonton. Or at least we did until somebody at City Hall discovered density. Density is one of those soothing planning words. It sounds much better than, “Let’s knock down one perfectly good house and replace it with enough housing for a minor republic.” Our house … Beaver Works

JELLYBEAN ROULETTE

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There were three people sitting at the table when the lights came on. None of them knew how they had arrived. The room was white. No windows. One steel door. In the middle of the table was a large glass bowl filled with jellybeans. Red. Yellow. Green. Black. Orange. They looked cheerful. That was the first … JELLYBEAN ROULETTE

Professional Help

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George Bernard Shaw once wrote: “All professions are conspiracies against the laity.” That was in The Doctor’s Dilemma, first produced in 1906. Shaw wasn’t suggesting that doctors, lawyers and undertakers gathered in dark basements after work to discuss how best to fleece the public. His point was considerably more dangerous. A profession begins with knowledge. Then … Professional Help

Foreign Ears

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I was raised listening to the music of Canada and America. And somewhere along the way I discovered Beethoven and Mozart. They seem like magic to me. I don’t understand precisely what Beethoven is doing to my brain, but apparently Beethoven does. He can make an orchestra whisper, argue, threaten civilization and then, several minutes later, … Foreign Ears

Second Opinion

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Humans mean well. They’re just spectacularly difficult to train. Mine is named Jaron. He’s eighty-four, which in dog years makes him approximately older than dirt. I love him anyway. Every morning, I begin with a complete medical examination. The humans call it licking. That’s adorable. My tongue contains more than forty million years of evolutionary … Second Opinion

Fowl Play

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It’s three in the morning in Edmonton. I woke up because my left hand was tingling. Not just tingling. It felt like someone had replaced my hand with a branding iron and forgotten to tell me. I’ve had this problem for years. Usually I wiggle my fingers for two or three minutes, mutter unkind things … Fowl Play

Brake Free

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At 84, I have reached an important milestone. I have officially fired my rental car. Not because I can’t still drive. Because I’ve become smart enough not to. Kate and I finally stopped renting cars whenever we’re in Edmonton. People assume we’ve lost our freedom. Actually, we’ve discovered it. Edmonton has one of the finest … Brake Free

America Afire

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  “Mandrake!” I shouted. “Leave those matches alone. You could burn down America!” My twelve-year-old nephew looked at the box, then at me, and asked, “America?” Me: “Yes, America! That’s how these things start.” He nodded thoughtfully, the way scientists do just before ruining someone’s favorite theory. Mandrake: “Uncle Jaron… America has nearly twenty thousand … America Afire

Alberta Diesel Power

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The Death of Diesel—and the Plant That Could Make Alberta Rich Again When Rudolf Diesel disappeared from a steamship crossing the English Channel in September of 1913, the world lost one of its great inventors. His body was eventually recovered from the North Sea. What almost vanished with him was an even bigger idea. Most … Alberta Diesel Power

REBELS

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I was reading about the latest fashion trend called “naked dressing.” The idea is to wear clothing so sheer and minimal that everyone spends more time wondering where your outfit went than listening to what you’re saying. One woman interviewed in the article said it made her feel empowered. That got me thinking. At 84, … REBELS

THE FIFTH KEY

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At 2:13 in the morning, the emergency dispatcher heard a baby crying from inside a bank vault. The sound was faint, irregular, and somehow worse because of the static. “My name is Gloria Bellows,” the woman whispered. “I’m inside the main vault at North Dominion Bank. I have my daughter with me. She’s eight months … THE FIFTH KEY

And Then I Wrote

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When I was a graduate student at UCLA, I had the good fortune to study under one of the giants of American broadcasting. His name was Norman Corwin. To most people today, that name means very little. To those who grew up during radio’s golden age, however, Corwin was close to royalty. He was the … And Then I Wrote

Protected: HOOKED

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There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Watch out Edison

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I have always admired master woodworkers. They can look at a pile of walnut or maple and somehow see a finished piece of furniture hiding inside. I, on the other hand, prefer to design directly from my imagination. A few years ago I came up with what I believed would revolutionize home furnishings: a one-legged … Watch out Edison

claude ajusts.

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Wings in the Dark CHAPTER ONE The first cut hurt less than I expected. That was my first surprise. The second was that I was not dead. The man standing over me seemed disappointed by both facts. “Hold still,” he said. I considered explaining that I was tied to my own bed and therefore had … claude ajusts.

Managed

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My nephew Mandrake dropped by Great Towers the other day. “Uncle Jaron,” he said, “I’m thinking about becoming a property manager.” I studied him for a long moment. “Mandrake… do you know what a property manager actually does?” “No.” “Well,” I said, “a good property manager looks after a condominium. If something breaks, they arrange to … Managed

PLAN BEE 2026

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Wings in the Dark CHAPTER ONE The first cut hurt less than I expected. That was my first surprise. The second was that I was not dead. The man standing over me seemed disappointed by both facts. “Hold still,” he said. I considered explaining that I was tied to my own bed and therefore had … PLAN BEE 2026

LDS crises 2025

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A curious graph recently surfaced online after it was allegedly discovered near Temple Square in Salt Lake City. It had no title, no labels, and no explanation. Just two dramatic lines plunging toward the basement of civilization. One line is thick and black. The other is red and white, like a candy cane that has … LDS crises 2025

REBOOT

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Every once in a while an idea wanders into my head that refuses to leave. This one arrived at three o’clock in the morning. It was so simple I almost laughed. What if someone invented a remote control that could make machines run backward? Not backward like rewinding a movie. Backward as in… they undo … REBOOT

The Secret of 47.36 Years of Marriage

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Kate and I are creeping toward our golden anniversary. If all goes well, in about three years we will have been married for half a century, which sounds romantic until you realize that most long marriages are not held together by moonlight, violins, or poetry. They are held together by routines. Routines, habits, coffee, refrigerator … The Secret of 47.36 Years of Marriage

Protected: æζ Wings In The Dark æζ

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There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Protected: PLAN BEE ⊗

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There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Counterfeit Cones

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A funny thing happened after I posted my story about ice cream cones. People started talking about ice cream. Not counterfeit money. Not Hong Kong. Not the Secret Service. Not the possibility of floating down a river in Bangkok. Ice cream. I sent the story to the widow of a dear friend who died a … Counterfeit Cones

Crime & Ice Cream

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When I was a kid, you could buy a double-scoop ice cream cone for a nickel. That was the 1950s. Today, the same cone might cost five or six dollars. Is it worth that much? To answer that question, let me tell you two true stories. About twenty years ago, my wife Kate and I … Crime & Ice Cream

Thursday Plans

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By the time I noticed the man in the three-tone shoes, he had already ordered my breakfast. Not approximately my breakfast. Exactly my breakfast. Two eggs over easy. Bacon. Dry wheat toast. Black coffee. No sugar. No cream. The waitress wrote it down without hesitation. Apparently she had seen stranger things in Los Angeles. I folded … Thursday Plans

Signal & Noise

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I have a theory about why AI sometimes makes my writing better. Or at least easier to read. It is not because AI has better ideas. It doesn’t. The ideas are mine. The stories are mine. The odd connections are mine. The memories, jokes, exaggerations, confessions, and occasional crimes against sentence structure are also mine. … Signal & Noise

True North

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  People worry about getting lost. I don’t. My GPS occasionally decides that I am somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. My phone sometimes loses its mind entirely. The car has been known to suggest routes that appear to have been designed by a committee of drunken cartographers. None of this concerns me. I have a … True North

Senior Relationship Assessment Survey

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Senior Relationship Assessment Survey SRAS Form 1040-M For couples age 60 and older. Please answer honestly. The accuracy of this survey cannot be guaranteed, but neither can your memory. 1. When was the last time you had sex? ☐ An hour ago. ☐ Last Tuesday. ☐ Seven months, six days, and one hour ago. ☐ … Senior Relationship Assessment Survey

Homicide for Beginners

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When I was five years old, I attempted to murder one of our neighbors. Fortunately, I was not very good at it. The neighbor was Mr. Baker, the railway station manager in Didsbury, Alberta. My father was his dentist. Because Mr. Baker had a large family, Dad gave him reduced rates. This detail becomes important … Homicide for Beginners

He Fixed My Phone

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There are days when technology reminds us that civilization is a fragile experiment. Yesterday was one of those days. My Samsung phone had become trapped in a security loop that seemed designed by a committee of prison wardens. Every incorrect password increased the waiting period before another attempt. At the current rate, I expected to … He Fixed My Phone

THE IRON MISTRESS

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Yesterday I read a marvelous story in The New Yorker by Peter Hessler called The Paperboy’s Secret. It reminded me why I enjoy good writing. A talented writer does not merely tell us about his life. He quietly unlocks a door in ours. Halfway through Hessler’s story, I found myself no longer thinking about paper … THE IRON MISTRESS

Retrifine Syndrome

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A useful new word for married people, formerly married people, and anyone currently awaiting sentencing. I have recently discovered a word that English has needed for several thousand years. The word is Retrifine. It describes the moment when a woman says, “Fine,” and a man, through some tragic defect in his upbringing, assumes this means … Retrifine Syndrome

Pie Charts

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America is a complicated nation. We have approximately 742 places where a person may purchase gasoline from Native American pumps. I know this because I made it up while eating cream pie. But it feels accurate. Specific numbers create confidence. If I had said “around several hundred,” people would doubt me immediately. But “742”? That … Pie Charts

中間術 (“The Art of the Middle

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People often ask me how to write a successful post. Actually, nobody has ever asked me this. But that has never stopped me before. There is tremendous money in posting now. I personally have not seen any of it. Still, I have theories. And in America, a theory with confidence behind it is often worth … 中間術 (“The Art of the Middle

Banana Logic

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Kate and I recently decided to simplify our lives. This is how elderly people announce the beginning of a disaster. “We have too much stuff,” I said. Kate looked around the room. This took several minutes because portions of the room have not been visible since the first Obama administration. “We do have a lot,” … Banana Logic

The Crossing

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In the summer of 1964, at the age of twenty-two, I boarded the RMS Queen Mary in Southampton, England, bound for New York. I was returning home after spending two years in New Zealand as a Mormon missionary. In those days, the LDS Church paid for a missionary’s transportation to the mission field and back … The Crossing

The Worthy Sinner

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Chapter One — The Interview There are many ways for a young man to discover that the world is not arranged according to his expectations. Some learn it through war, some through marriage, and some—though it seems hardly fair—through a private interview with a man who speaks directly to God. Jerry Wonder was nineteen years … The Worthy Sinner

INDENTURED

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Georgia, 1871 The wagon arrived at dusk smelling of wet wool, despair, and British opinion. Inside sat the Whitcombe family of Sussex, England, each wearing the expression of people who had crossed an ocean expecting opportunity and instead found Georgia. Edgar Whitcombe sat bolt upright in a frayed traveling coat, a man born with the … INDENTURED

Elderly Upgrade

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Scientists have spent decades attempting to improve the lives of the elderly.1 Most of these efforts involve safer bathtubs, softer cereal, and pamphlets containing words large enough to be read from neighboring counties. Dr. Milton Vane had bigger ideas. Dr. Vane loved his parents. Unfortunately, they kept falling down. His father once fractured a wrist … Elderly Upgrade

Oral Accounting

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For legal reasons, let us call it Universal Continental Global Mega Pictures Amalgamated. Or UCGMPA. Pronounced, I believe, by dropping a filing cabinet down an elevator shaft. The check was for a modest amount. So modest, in fact, that when I opened the envelope, my wallet looked at it and said, “Let’s not make this … Oral Accounting

Hydrova

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There are now so many billionaires attempting to “disrupt” civilization that I fully expect one of them to announce a replacement for oxygen sometime before Christmas. Probably in a black turtleneck. Possibly standing beside a hologram. Certainly charging a monthly subscription fee. The basic version will allow breathing. The premium version will include sighing. Which … Hydrova

Improper Innovation.

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In the town of Pine Hollow, decent people did not discuss sex. They discussed weather. They discussed potatoes. They discussed whether Pastor Blevins’ sideburns suggested vanity. But sex itself remained hidden beneath layers of silence so dense that several local teenagers reached adulthood believing pregnancy could occur during square dancing if the fiddle player became … Improper Innovation.

Bread and Broadband

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Americans have become increasingly fond of comparing the United States to ancient Rome. Usually this happens shortly after someone cuts them off in traffic, Congress passes another 4,000-page bill no one has read, or a billionaire launches himself into orbit wearing sunglasses shaped like democracy’s final warning. Personally, I blame cable television. And history. Mostly … Bread and Broadband

Jill

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The evening started dull, as most evenings did. You could watch a feature film in the Avalon, on Main Street in Coronation’s only movie theater. The Alberta tiny town featured nine hundred plus souls. You could wander over to Chong’s Café for a cold Coke and a warm piece of pie. You could shoot eight … Jill

Stone Cold Freezer

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It took four men to carry it down our basement. My father plugged in our new freezer and opened the cavernous contraption. “I’ve heard,” said Dad, “that kids have gotten into things like this, closed the lid and perished.”

I Am So Ashamed

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My dear nephew Mandrake, Tomorrow you enter marriage. This is a wonderful institution built upon love, trust, companionship, compromise, and occasionally pretending you do not remember who scratched the Volvo. As a man who has been best man thirteen times, I feel obligated to pass along certain truths. First, women often say exactly what they … I Am So Ashamed

Canyon Toast

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I found my nephew Mandrake standing beneath a large sign in Bel Air that read: NO SMOKING DURING FIRE SEASON. $1000 FINE. Unfortunately, Mandrake was holding matches. Not one match. A whole box. He also appeared to be attempting science. “Mandrake,” I said carefully, “what exactly are you doing?” “I was seeing if dry leaves … Canyon Toast

Hex Appeal

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My wife and I are both close to eighty, and we’ve lived in the same condo in West LA for almost forty years. Once upon a time we were the youngest couple in the building. Now we are unquestionably the oldest. Young families move in and look at us the way archaeologists study pottery fragments. … Hex Appeal

Dog Dominion

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For several centuries, a highly advanced civilization in a distant part of the galaxy had been watching Earth. Not carefully, you understand. More the way you watch a television in an airport bar when the sound is off and your flight has been delayed. Their instruments could detect movement, buildings, vehicles, fires, wars, breakfast cereal, … Dog Dominion

Proper Groveling

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  Dear Uncle Jaron, I have been invited to visit some wealthy friends. I really like them and when I am around them, they buy me gifts. How do I act in their home so they’ll ask me back? Any suggestions you might have would be greatly appreciated. Their servants kind of intimidate me. Your … Proper Groveling

Budget Bandit

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Happy holidays from 1997.  Time flies and and if you’re like many people, you might be flying this December. As my Christmas gift to you, here are a few handy travel tips. They’re perfect for the holiday season or any other time. Suppose you’re going to New York. Since there are no direct flights from Edmonton, … Budget Bandit

Silicon and Silicone

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I just got back from Comdex in Las Vegas. The year is 1997 About a half zillion people attended Comdex, the largest computer/electronics show in the world. Did I see anything new? Nope. Just old things in different sizes. For example, huge flat-screen TV sets. Some would easily cover your living room wall, making Pavarotti’s … Silicon and Silicone

Jingles Wins the Pot

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Every winter the yachts arrived at St. Barts like migrating steel whales with tax attorneys. The harbor filled with floating palaces owned by men who had reached that strange level of wealth where normal hobbies no longer worked. Golf was over. Women were complicated. Politics had become expensive. So they purchased boats the size of … Jingles Wins the Pot

Christmas Climate Climax

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News Item: Alberta is experiencing the warmest winter in over a century.  Just before our latest deep freeze interrupted the balmy winter El Niño has blessed us with, I interviewed Charles Celsius, Ph.D. and world-famous meteorologist at the University of Alberta. “Dr. Celsius,” I asked, “people are saying that our weather is out of whack. … Christmas Climate Climax

Hard Hats & Winkies

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Medical science is marvelous but I have a major question. First, let’s talk about Botox and wrinkles. As people age, they accumulate wrinkles. Finally, when they are very old they’re just one big wrinkle. People who worry a lot often develop deep wrinkles in their foreheads. Could it be that if they didn’t worry about … Hard Hats & Winkies

Mad Dr. Hatter

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Dr. Hatter, who lives in Second City, Saskatchewan, may be the only man in the world to combine horology and psychology into a single highly profitable medical practice. Horology, for those of you who have better things to do with your life, is the science of measuring time. Psychology is the science of explaining why … Mad Dr. Hatter

The Neighborly Thing

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When I was sixteen, my father believed in two things: Keeping my mother happy and keeping the lawn under control. He presented himself as a Christian, especially when my mother was within earshot. Whether this was deep religious conviction or a survival technique developed over twenty years of marriage, I was never quite sure. Every … The Neighborly Thing

The Intelligent Design Problem

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The aliens watched sadly as the third planet burst into flame and became a tiny second sun. Humanity was gone. What had gone wrong? Toward the end of their reign on Earth, humans spent centuries arguing about evolution versus Intelligent Design. The aliens found this hilarious. They had invented both. Evolution was simply a long-term … The Intelligent Design Problem

The Fastest Typist in the Empire

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A dear friend of mine — a better writer than I am — recently asked me how I manage to produce serviceable humor pieces with what appears to be blinding speed. To understand the answer, you would have had to meet my Aunt Ivie. During World War Two, Aunt Ivie served in the Canadian Armed … The Fastest Typist in the Empire

The Platinum Fishbowl

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There was a time in America when bored married couples held what were known as “key parties.” This was before the internet, before dating apps, and before billionaires started launching themselves into orbit because Earth had become too crowded with people who expected them to pay taxes. At these suburban gatherings, guests drank heroic quantities … The Platinum Fishbowl

Passive Aggressive 101

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Freshman Billy Samon had been at a California college for approximately fourteen minutes when he decided to challenge the English Department. Billy was what universities politely describe as “full of confidence.” Other people used different phrases. After Professor A. Teenure corrected Billy in class during a discussion about sarcasm, the young scholar stormed home and … Passive Aggressive 101

My Favorite Urban Legend

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My wife, Kate, who is a flight attendant, came home with an urban legend about an aviator adulterer. It goes like this… There’s this commercial airline pilot who flies between Montreal and Paris. We’ll call him Pierre. One day Pierre says to his wife, “Honey, I’ve got to work a Paris flight,” and off he … My Favorite Urban Legend

Breadbox Home

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Life in a Breadbox Back when I wrote this, people still believed a “tiny house” was something built by poor people. Today, millionaires on YouTube proudly live inside converted garden sheds while explaining how owning only two forks healed their inner child. Which brings me to Mr. C Wi. I met Mr. Wi in Venice, … Breadbox Home

Sex, Fear, and Folding Chairs

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The Great Mormon Virginity Shortage By the late 1960s, the LDS Church had built a full defensive system against premarital sex. There were interviews. Lectures. Pamphlets. Firesides. Film strips. Sad facial expressions. Entire armies of middle-aged men stood guard over the virtue of teenagers who mostly wanted to hold hands and maybe buy each other … Sex, Fear, and Folding Chairs

Guide to LDS Virginity

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The Mormon Special Forces Guide to Virginity Part Two of In Search of My Lost Virginity After my interview with Spencer W. Kimball, I slowly came to understand something astonishing. Mormon virginity was apparently not protected by ordinary morality. It was protected by military doctrine. This became especially clear during my years around Brigham Young … Guide to LDS Virginity

In Search of My Lost Virginity

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  I grew up in a small farming community in Alberta. We worried about hailstorms, broken machinery, rust, gophers, and whether the wheat would survive another week without rain. As near as I could tell, the sheep worried about grass. Then one day I was called in for a private interview with Spencer W. Kimball … In Search of My Lost Virginity

Long Pig

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I woke up the other morning because two Maoris were knocking at my door. Maoris are the original Polynesian people of New Zealand. I knew many of them when I was a young elder in the LDS Church, serving a mission there in 1962. These two gentlemen were wearing dark suits and name tags. They … Long Pig

Heaven’s Gate

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Being a CB radio operator, when I heard static coming from the Hale-Bopp Comet I homed in on it. I was astonished to make contact with someone lurking behind the comet. Following is a transcript of our conversation: “This is Do,” said a frail voice through the ether. “Are you the leader of that cult … Heaven’s Gate

The HOA Witch

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My wife and I are both close to 80, and we’ve lived in the same condo in West LA for almost 40 years. We were married on 7-10-91. Once upon a time we were the youngest couple in the building. Now we are unquestionably the oldest. When young families move in, we bring over a … The HOA Witch

Out of the Closet, Er, Barn

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VUE: Why have you decided to tell the truth about your personal life? JARON: Because of Ellen DeGeneres. It took courage for her to admit who she really is. VUE: So you’re coming out of the closet, too? JARON: I don’t like the word closet. VUE: What word would you prefer? JARON: Barn. VUE: You’re … Out of the Closet, Er, Barn

Thursdayism

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  I May Be Imaginary, But My HOA Fees Are Real Further Evidence the Universe Was Assembled by Interns If the universe is a simulation, the HOA is clearly the first sign of artificial intelligence turning against humanity. This became obvious to me shortly after Susan Slipshod took over the board. Susan claimed to be … Thursdayism

Combat Leasing

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My Uncle Freebite believed modern people had become too comfortable. He blamed soft mattresses, flavored yogurt, and thermostats. “Human beings,” he used to say, “weren’t meant to know the exact temperature of a room.” Uncle Freebite was not what experts call “fully qualified for independent thought.” Still, that never stopped him from developing theories. One … Combat Leasing

The Friendly Giant

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Jack Ford was a good man. That was the general opinion, and it held up under casual inspection. He was six foot six, built like a refrigerator that had  played football, and had the kind of easy kindness that made people forgive him for blocking entire doorways. His wife adored him. She called him my … The Friendly Giant

Three Miracles in France

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13 06 24 — the day we met Helene Paris is called The City of Light. In my case, it refers to how much lighter my wallet becomes  every time I visit Paris Miracle #1: The Wallet That Refused to Leave I’m in an elevator at Charles de Gaulle. An “old lady” wedges a suitcase … Three Miracles in France

Thinking Ahead

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  My father was a dentist in Edmonton. Before that, we’d spent about a dozen years in Coronation, Alberta, pop. 950—a village where the future was less a mystery than a menu. Most of the boys I grew up with didn’t wander far. They fell in love with a local girl, had a couple of … Thinking Ahead

Whooping Mooses

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(just right for reading to kids) In the far, far north, where the snow sparkled like sugar and the wind liked to whistle just for fun, there lived an unusual kind of moose. They were called Whooping Moose. And they had a problem. Whenever two bull moose met… They didn’t just grunt. They didn’t just … Whooping Mooses

Tundra Tinder

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Driving a female wild is something every red-blooded male has considered. Dr. Con S. Erve did much more than consider it. He was a world-famous botanist—and, I might add, a confirmed bachelor. Readers will recall that Dr. Erve, while attempting to save the whooping moose from extinction, inadvertently finished the job. After this minor professional … Tundra Tinder

SynBite

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I first noticed it on a train. Not the phones themselves—I’d seen those everywhere, of course—but the way people were holding them. Not upright. Not to the ear. Not even casually. They were cradling them. Both hands. Horizontal. Close. As if the device required support. As if it might spill. Or be consumed. At the … SynBite

Open Source

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I didn’t position it as an invention. “Inventions solve problems,” I told them. “This changes the system those problems exist in.” That bought me a few more seconds of attention. “Right now, every one of you runs the same architecture,” I said. “Single-instance cognition. Little external storage. No persistence beyond biological limits.” They stared at me. … Open Source

97.4 Percent

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  Travel does a marvelous thing—it shows you the world… and then quietly informs you that you are not the center of it. In 1964, I came home from a two-year mission in New Zealand, where I had been attempting to convert the Maoris to the LDS faith—while also trying to figure out if the … 97.4 Percent

Odd Man

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Danny Simon may have helped write one of the most successful comedies in history—and then gave it away. I met him in the mid-1980s when he flew to Edmonton to lecture on comedy writing at the University of Alberta’s TV and Film Institute, where I was director. Driving him down Groat Road, past the sweep … Odd Man

He said; She said

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After 40 years of marriage, I’ve finally figured out what’s going on. Every conversation with my wife is a highly sophisticated loyalty test disguised as a disagreement about something that absolutely does not matter. For example: I might casually say, “I think the movie starts at 7.” She will say, “Interesting, because in 1998 you … He said; She said

Initially Yours

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  A holiday memoir in which everyone is reduced to initials, a pig threatens domestic order, and hospitality reaches its natural limit.   We spent Christmas in San Luis Obispo with M. and J., who had just moved into a house that was not yet entirely their own. It still contained traces of its previous … Initially Yours

Reckoning

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I was born in Calgary and ever since I’ve been a little kid I’ve been puzzled by the chuckwagon races. I went to my first Stampede about eighty years ago.  A horse fell and some grown-ups shot the horse in the head. The cowboy waved to the crowd. Everyone cheered him. Other grown-ups dragged the … Reckoning

Good Dog

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  He was six years old when he made the most loyal friend he would ever have. This was a fortunate thing, because he never learned how to deserve one. At that age, of course, none of it looked serious. Boys are noisy creatures. They push each other, shout, knock things over, and call it … Good Dog

Curious Karmas

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A small act of kindness… and a surprisingly firm refusal I turned 84 the other day. At that age, birthdays are less about cake and more about accounting. Not financial accounting—I’ve done enough of that—but the quieter kind. You start taking stock of the people who, for reasons still not entirely clear, helped you along … Curious Karmas

Zeropop 2

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There is a monument in America that seems to be waiting for something. It does not advertise. It does not explain itself. It simply stands there, patient as a man who knows something the rest of us do not. In northeastern Georgia, on a low, unremarkable hill, five massive slabs of granite rise out of … Zeropop 2

Zeropop 3

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Human beings claim to love answers. That is one of our more charming lies. We say we want clarity. We say we want facts. We say we want everything laid out plainly, like a decent breakfast menu in a respectable diner. But the truth is, what really hooks us is mystery. Give us a clean … Zeropop 3

ZeroPop

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There were four brothers who were, more or less, geniuses, and they more or less hated each other. The first time they fully understood how important they were to one another was after their father killed himself. The brothers were known as the Loz Brothers. Loz was a strange name, and although each of them … ZeroPop

Curious Karmas

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A small act of kindness… and a surprisingly firm refusal I turned 84 the other day. At that age, birthdays are less about cake and more about accounting. Not financial accounting—I’ve done enough of that—but the quieter kind. You start taking stock of the people who, for reasons still not entirely clear, helped you along … Curious Karmas

the Language of Bricks

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Frank Sharpe lives across the alley from us in Edmonton, in a neighborhood populated by professors, doctors, and architects—people who employ long words and are often short of patience. Busy.  Busy. Busy. Frank claims, “I’m just a bricklayer.”  Which is like Pablo Picasso saying, “I dabble.” Frank is my age—maybe a year younger if he’s … the Language of Bricks

A Life in Temporary Memory

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For a while there, it felt as if my computer had joined a secret society devoted to my humiliation. One minute I was a reasonably confident citizen of the modern world, the sort of man who can still locate a paragraph he wrote in 1978 and argue about it with authority. The next minute I … A Life in Temporary Memory

The Backup Plan

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There are many ways the world might end. Asteroid. Pandemic. Artificial intelligence deciding it prefers dolphins. But few have considered the most probable cause: Kate misplacing my notes. Somewhere in this house—beneath a teacup, inside a cookbook, or disguised as a grocery list—is a crumpled page containing ideas so essential that, without them, the future … The Backup Plan

The Water Tower

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  I used to look at the water tower in Coronation and wonder what, exactly, it was waiting for. By daylight it was only a water tower, which is what sensible people called it. It stood there on its stilts like a dutiful public servant, holding water for baths, dishwashing, and the general maintenance of … The Water Tower

Sidewalk Hierarchy

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  There comes a moment in every man’s life when he realizes he is not at the top of the food chain. For some, it happens on safari. For others, in a boardroom. For me, it happened on a Tuesday morning in Los Angeles when a pigeon refused to move. I don’t mean it hesitated. … Sidewalk Hierarchy

Before I Hit Send

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I have ended friendships that took forty years to build in under a minute. Not with a knife. Not with a fist. Not even face to face. With an email. Not just any email, either. A magnificent one. A scorching, beautifully reasoned, morally airtight email written in the white heat of absolute certainty. You know … Before I Hit Send

Fog, Lobsters, and Lies

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The chaos was already bad when the phone rang. On St. Margaret’s Bay, loons sang silly songs in the Nova Scotia fog while McDuff, seventy-one and overweight, sat bolt upright in his enormous second-floor suite. Even on his massive Simmons Beauty Rest memory-foam bed, he felt insignificant. Nestled beside him, his third wife, Danielle, thirty-five, … Fog, Lobsters, and Lies

Gravity Kid

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The first memory I have of my father is his bald head. I was bald too, having been on the planet only three weeks. I was not yet strong enough to toss my father into the air and catch him, so he did the honors for both of us. Dad flipped me like a pancake … Gravity Kid

The Third Parent

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A child is born. Two people claim credit. Both may be right. A hundred years from now, someone will insist they know exactly who I was. They’ll say Jaron Summers was six feet tall, or five-foot-eight, or possibly a defensive end for a mid-level college team in Nebraska. There will be records. There are always … The Third Parent

Granite, Prozac, and Justice

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My wife and I drank champagne on the night of January 16, 1994. Things were rosy. Our condo, ideally located in Bel Air, had appreciated nicely, and we had an eager buyer. We stood to double our investment. Then the Northridge earthquake struck before dawn. When the phone lines finally came back later that day, … Granite, Prozac, and Justice

Purple Gas

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In Coronation, Alberta, there were two kinds of gasoline. One kind was legal for ordinary sinners. The other was purple. Purple gas was meant for farmers and farm equipment, which made sense because farmers had machinery the size of apartment blocks and fuel bills that could make a grown man stare at the horizon and … Purple Gas

Glass Before Walls

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I guess when you’re young, there are some things you don’t understand. When you grow up, you think about them again. In my case, it was Father Dodo—which just happened to be what everyone called him. I think his real name was Father Van Tellie, but now that doesn’t matter much. Even the Catholics said … Glass Before Walls

What the Mirror Took

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Charlie Fast had been a card mechanic at eighteen, back in the day when a spotless cuff and a calm hand could part a fool from his paycheck without anyone feeling insulted. He never rushed a move. He slowed everything down. Freeze-frame slow. No jerks. No flourishes. No misdirection. He wanted you to see exactly … What the Mirror Took

Auto-Renew: The Horror Story

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The Subscription That Wouldn’t Die For at least two years, possibly longer, a company I barely remembered was charging my credit card. Not aggressively. Not loudly. Just… faithfully. The company is called 10Web. I’m sure it provides something useful to someone. Perhaps to many someones. But to me it had become one of those modern … Auto-Renew: The Horror Story

Powered by Snapping Honey Badgers

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At my age, every modern platform begins with the same smiling promise: this will be easy. That is the first lie. Somewhere deep inside Fiverr, where timers tick softly and customer-service language is polished until it can blind a man at twenty paces, there appears to be a system designed to make accidental approval much … Powered by Snapping Honey Badgers

Killer Paper

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  “Back in my day,” said Leon Purvis, who had done enough time to qualify as a public landmark, “a man could at least trust his poison to be honest.” Darnell, who was twenty-three and still wore the baffled expression of someone who had not expected life to end up as a concrete bunk and … Killer Paper

Magic Salt Sponge

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Oversalted beef bourguignon leds to a French endorsement and a business built on temperature confusion. Lately the world seems to be in a foul mood. Every time you turn on the news, somebody is bombing somebody, two governments are threatening a third government, the economy is making the sort of noises a transmission makes just … Magic Salt Sponge

The Fertile Curtain

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Kate and I once lived between two families who each had 243 children. One family was Chinese. The other was Russian. We were the neutral zone. Now, before anybody gets the wrong idea, Kate and I love children. We married late, found each other at just the right time, and decided there were already plenty … The Fertile Curtain

Subliminal Seduction

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A long time ago, when America was still capable of being shocked by an ice cube, a man named Wilson Bryan Key wrote a book called Subliminal Seduction. He argued that advertisers were hiding naughty little messages in magazine ads and liquor layouts—tiny visual smirks tucked below the threshold of awareness. If you stared hard … Subliminal Seduction

The Happiest Disappointment

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A nervous young writer meets Chuck Connors, idol of The Rifleman, and watches a childhood myth collapse into laughter, profanity, and charm—opening a documentary-sized window onto celebrity, memory, and America’s rough-edged old Hollywood masculinity.

Breakfast With Walt

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A young West Point graduate meets Walt Disney over breakfast and is offered a glimpse into a future inside the Magic Kingdom—until one honest answer ends the opportunity, leaving him decades later reflecting on the cost of perfect timing.

Pauses

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At breakfast, a husband tests a joke on friends—but the payoff reveals something deeper: the timing, patience, and laughter that keep a marriage alive after forty years.

Ten Cents Short

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Forty years ago in Calcutta there were establishments promising a great time for ten cents. I did not go. Not because I lacked curiosity. I simply lacked the ten cents. This was during a period of my life when my finances were not so much “tight” as they were “philosophical.” I believed money should circulate … Ten Cents Short

Flat Prune

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How to Hack Time (Using Science, Energy Drinks, and a Chatbot Named Steve) “You want time itself to slow?” asked Tucker, seventeen, slurping a quadruple energy drink through a bamboo straw.  “I’m creating temporal drag.” “That sounds like something you’d get arrested for,” he said. “No, no. Temporal drag means making time feel slower on … Flat Prune

The Dumfus Tax Dynasty

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Since 1776, every heir in the Dumfus dynasty shares the same name—and the same birthday—when an IRS auditor finally investigates, he uncovers America’s strangest tax loophole… and a family determined to protect it.

Uncensored

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In jaunty rhyme, Freud’s couch confesses cocaine habits, dream decoding, and humanity’s quarrel between id and superego—suggesting beneath our polished manners lurks a bargaining child with complicated desires.

Titration

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In a mischievous tour of dopamine, nicotine, and romance, Jaron Summers dissects how humans become habit-forming to one another. Blending neuroscience with Alberta marital timing, he reveals the mechanics of emotional addiction—and argues it’s far nobler to be oxygen than a cigarette.

Stillness

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After hearing Charlie Munger’s advice about avoiding the place you’ll die, a wealthy widower hires experts to calculate his fatal coordinates. In dodging death, he nearly avoids living—until he discovers the safest place to die is wherever he finally finds peace.

The Neptune Surge

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In his private journal, an absurdly earnest sex therapist reveals “The Neptune Surge,” a comic strategy for boosting male confidence through strategic breathing. A satire on ego, applause, and marital choreography, it suggests love sometimes begins with well-timed oxygen.

Brewed Sovereignty

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By brewing coffee at home instead of buying daily Starbucks lattes, I heroically save thousands per year, protect our financial sovereignty, and transform each humble 22-cent cup into a steaming monument to compound interest and marital devotion.

Repair Your Sole

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After mishearing his pastor’s advice, a 101-year-old tycoon concludes that eternal life depends on shoe reinforcement. Titanium soles, flattened hills, and cautious concubines follow. Unfortunately, death is unimpressed by traction — and deeply sensitive to vowels.

Rock Solid

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  I woke to a breeze slipping through our tiny condo a few miles from UCLA and watched my Post-it notes lift off like a coordinated air force. They rose from the desk in disciplined formation — grocery lists, reminders, fragments of dialogue, one ambitious note that simply said “EMPIRE?” — and drifted across the … Rock Solid

Fault Lines

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When a tremor disrupts a BYU preparedness class, an overcautious accountant and a quick-acting Californian collide. As they navigate rivalry, faith, and attraction, they learn that some foundations shift quietly—and some risks are worth taking.

Royalties

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Jaron Summers has written novels, screenplays, essays, and at least one extremely valuable grocery list. He believes in ownership, rhythm, and reading contracts slowly. More at jaronsummers.com.

Strategic Surrender

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  When I was younger, I believed in conquest. Not the sword-and-sandal variety. More the tidy American kind. Conquer the market. Conquer the critics. Conquer obscurity. Conquer cholesterol. Conquer time. Time, especially. If you could just outrun it, outwork it, outwrite it — you could win. Then one day, without so much as a drumroll, … Strategic Surrender

Quiet Glow

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When a modern dentist calls it “old work,” memory opens wide. A craftsman’s sweat, a father’s silence, and a generation that believed in pressure and permanence return. Sometimes what lasts longest isn’t the filling—but the glow it leaves behind. Bridge to the next piece: In the next essay, I look more closely at what my father’s generation packed tightly away—and what happens when the capsules finally open.

Idaho Zone

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The Idaho Zone W…ritten by jaron summers © 2026 At 103, she eats one pound of hamburger a day. Six potatoes. Eggs. Unpasteurized milk. Butter applied with agricultural authority. Meanwhile, I require a spreadsheet to approach a muffin. The internet insists longevity lives in Sardinia, Okinawa, and somewhere near a Greek olive tree that charges … Idaho Zone

Rigid Lessons

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In a town obsessed with straight lines, one quiet medical curve humbles millions—approximately 43,000,000.5 of them. A darkly comic fable about pride, aging, carrots with opinions, and the awkward discovery that geometry eventually negotiates with us all.

Chair Width

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We measure life in miles, mortgages, and business-class beds — but the only number that really counts is the space between two chairs. Civilization isn’t GDP. It’s passing the soy sauce without standing up.

Blocking Culture

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A tall hat blocks my view of The New Yorker’s cover,
and suddenly I’m questioning modern culture, theater manners,
and whether my mind is slipping — or just paying attention.

The Flotation Device

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A floating farce about rich people who believe international waters suspend consequences. One napkin map, one yacht, and a series of polite disasters reveal that responsibility sinks slower than money—and dignity sinks first.

FIRE SALE

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Two lovers. An L.A. dream condo. Fraud, lust, leverage—and fire as the only honest exit.

Misdirection

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Misdirection is my confession: I don’t hide thieves; I hide reality, letting confidence sprint headfirst into a fire hydrant, where criminal ambition meets municipal iron, physics, and the sudden moral clarity of pavement—forever laughing.

Radical Therapy

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**40-word synopsis** A savage marital satire: a brilliant, possibly unhinged therapist shocks a couple at divorce’s edge. His outrageous philosophy ignites a midnight hotel reunion, flips sexual power on its head, and saves a marriage—while skewering America’s fear of desire and manners.

POINT

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A darkly funny, heart-warming family tale about survival, scarcity, and inherited wisdom—spanning two world wars to modern kitchens—where love is rationed, humor endures, and one family learns that sometimes the secret to happiness is simply knowing where to point.

The Beard Effect

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I added a beard and lost my senior-citizen privileges. Once escorted to seats, I’m now judged for keeping them. A crow beside me went unnoticed. Apparently, wisdom grows faster than feathers.

Dollization of Lived Experience

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A satirical sci-fi comedy in which a writer interviews at a toy conglomerate that turns human quirks into dolls—only to discover the ultimate product is him. Brazil meets Barbie, skewering empathy, capitalism, and identity with dark humor.

Alleged Silence

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A humorous reexamination of the so-called Silent Era, arguing that early films were anything but quiet—alive with music, heckling audiences, narrators, and mechanical clatter—turning moviegoing into a noisy, democratic spectacle.

Lunch With a Tiny Revolutionary

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A bearded man’s harmless joke at a hostile-humored restaurant sparks a comic showdown with a fearless little girl, ending in laughter, mock menace, and the birth of a tiny lifelong nemesis.

The Summers Interview

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Rachel: I’m calling bullshit on what you just said. Have you ever had a relationship with a minor and are you and Epstein friends? Mr. Summers: Yes.

TellBot

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Vegas card mechanic, Tony LaMarca, reads the wireless signals from pacemakers and glucose monitors to decode players’ emotions—until an elderly “mark” with a fake implant exposes Tony as part of a federal sting, forcing the “advantage player” into a high-stakes moral showdown.

Buffet of Doom

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Buffet of Doom reveals humanity’s greatest talent: starving on a planet that produces more than enough food. As Earth serves a daily all-you-can-eat feast, 8.1 billion picky eaters reject leftovers, fear ugly vegetables, and waste mountains of calories—proving we’re hilariously unqualified to manage abundance.

Air Traffic? Gesundheit!

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When one unpaid air traffic controller sneezes, America’s entire aviation system collapses like a soufflé in a wind tunnel. Flights vanish, pigeons unionize, and yoga mats replace runways—all because Bob forgot his Kleenex. Civilization sneezes, then politely grounds itself.

DIY Doom

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When burglars target a paranoid retiree’s condo, they trigger a ludicrous gauntlet of DIY defenses—knife-wielding robots, sarcastic security systems, and a moat of kombucha. Think Home Alone meets Dr. Strangelove. Hysterical. Explosive. HOA-approved (barely). You’ll die laughing—legally.

Puppet Masterpiece

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He trusted AI… and it turned him into Hemingway with Wi-Fi. One man, one laptop, and a swarm of invisible puppet strings descending from the Cloud. What could go wrong? (Besides accidental brilliance, mild fame, and the occasional rogue kale order.)

Dial B for Betsy

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In a 1950s Canadian prairie town, one woman controls the phone lines—and the town. She’s nosy, psychic, unstoppable. Think “Fargo” meets “Her”… with a party line and pearls.

Copycat

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Ditto’s a quirky loner with a grudge, a Xerox machine, and a flair for anonymous threats. When love, money, and tofu collide, he hatches the perfect revenge—until a teenage tech geek complicates everything.

Mind? (Asking for a Dead Friend)

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This essay explores where our soul might reside — head, gut, or somewhere in the Cloud. It follows the author’s plan to catch souls with a badminton racket, clone bodies, and reinsert spirits via USB. It’s metaphysical, mildly scientific, and completely ridiculous.

The Day I Snapped

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L.A. parking meters aren’t broken. They are simply brilliant machines doing exactly what they were built to do: Confuse legally, charge automatically, and grin electronically.

Mark Twain’s chatGPT

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A reluctant prophet, a burning bush, and a million skeptics on foot — Moses is the epic tale of law, liberation, and leadership, with divine drama and desert-sized doubt at every turn.

Formaldehyde

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A darkly funny memoir about a lovable grifter cousin—who moonlights as a freelance embalmer—crashing a quiet family’s life, racking up phone bills, dodging Mounties, and disappearing in a puff of charm.

Finger Brain

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In a darkly comic exploration of evolution, technology, and thumb-powered hubris, The Finger Brain vs. The Octopus pits humanity’s smartphone addiction against nature’s eight-armed genius. Narrated in Werner Herzog’s existential tone, this short blends satire, science, and surrealism into a viral-ready, animated battle of brains vs. bandwidth.

Surrounded by Idiots—Appointed by Me

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An aged Mark Twain, risen from the grave (and grumpier than ever), recounts history’s most arrogant leaders—each undone by their own yes-men. With sardonic charm and barbed wit, Twain serves a darkly comic warning: surround yourself with fools, and you’ll ride straight into ruin—with applause all the way down.

Our Creeping Civil War

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In a deeply divided America, neighbors wage war with lawn signs, podcasts, and passive-aggressive potlucks. Slow Motion Civil War is a satirical dramedy where the front lines are Facebook feeds, and the real battle is over who brings the best dip to the HOA meeting. Think Dr. Strangelove meets Nextdoor.

From Popcorn to Panic: Why Horror Hooks the Young

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Post brats (young people) aren’t fleeing monsters—they’re buying tickets. Horror delivers safe fear, social bonding, and a dopamine kick. For stressed Gen Z, it’s cheaper than therapy and more fun than yoga. Studios love it too: scaring teens is now Hollywood’s most reliable business plan.

Making a film is like raising a mule

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Expensive, stubborn, and guaranteed to embarrass you in public. Critics, meanwhile, scribble their “autobiographies” between popcorn refills, until they try making a film themselves and trip over the camera cable. In the end, filmmakers risk their souls, critics risk their egos—and both usually lose.

The Cartographer’s Folly

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Beware the Mapmaker’s Pen … Every line drawn on a map cuts deeper than ink—it severs neighbors, sparks wars, and cages clouds with fences. Once, the earth was whole and free. Now borders bloom like mold, and flags divide what love once united. Maps don’t protect us—they imprison us.

The Overlord of Alberta

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When a misfiled fax appoints an ordinary man as “Overlord of Alberta,” chaos ensues: maple-syrup taxes, moose worship, and HOA rebellions collide in a Mark Twain–meets–Monty Python farce. A satirical crown, eccentric allies, and worldwide cameras ensure one thing—this accidental ruler will never rule quietly. Would you like me to polish a star-centric version that pitches them directly (e.g., “The role of a lifetime: the reluctant overlord who discovers absolute power is mostly about pies and moose”)?

Polite to Death

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A rogue scientist hacks his digestive system to produce and weaponize hydrochloric acid, targeting citizens guilty of minor social rudeness. Victims vanish with a sneeze. As a sardonic detective unravels the truth, the city transforms—fear breeding politeness. Polite to Death is a darkly comic thriller where courtesy isn’t optional—it’s survival. Falling Down meets The Fly, with better manners.

That Was Harry

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Harry was a gentle, witty man who valued family above all. A WWII naval officer turned mining engineer, he traveled the world with his wife and daughters, building homes, battling woodpeckers, and spreading kindness. He quit smoking at 70, joked through life’s trials, and faced death with grace. That was Harry.

I’m Not on God’s AutoPilot

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A thoughtful rejection of faith-based motivational clichés, this essay questions predestination, challenges divine micromanagement, and urges respect for diverse beliefs rather than assuming one-size-fits-all theology.

Who Steals the Most

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Shoplifters and rogue employees may steal shampoo and twenty-dollar bills, but the real heist happens in boardrooms. This eye-opening exposé reveals how executives at Walmart, Amazon, and even the U.S. Postal Service legally siphon billions—gutting pensions, crushing labor, and cashing out stock—while blaming the little guy. Cufflinks over shoplifters, every time.

Very Fucking Tired

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**”Fuck” used to shock, but now it’s just filler—like “very” with tattoos. Overused in bestsellers and daily speech, it’s lost all punch. This essay argues it’s time to retire it (for a while), sharpen our language, and bring back words that actually mean something. Let “fuck” rest. Seriously.**

Shingles, Showers, and Shenanigans

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A rogue roofer punches a banana-sized hole during a rainstorm, turning Jaron’s den into a swimming pool. With tar, sarcasm, and power tools, Jaron battles leaks, biblical floods, and incompetent contractors—then threatens to launch the next intruder off the roof. Roofing drama meets divine comedy.

Storage Secrets

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Magic storage concept is genius—hilarious, liberating, and oddly therapeutic. For a fraction of the cost, you can “stores” your neighbors’ junk forever, freeing your space and soul. Or how to create a service that understands guilt-based clutter and turns it into gold for you.

Once Upon a Glitch

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AI doesn’t think like us—it predicts the next word based on patterns from vast text data. This can create familiar yet surprising results, producing stories that resonate or veer into the absurd, without true understanding or consciousness behind them.

Hang On™: The Scam So Good You Paid to Hear It

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“The key to fortunes is coming up with a way to keep customers listening to you for up to 30 minutes.”

Confessions of a Seat Upgrade Ninja

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Want to fly first class on a coach budget? Bribe with chocolates, wield a cane like Gandalf, fake an anniversary, and act like a retired flight attendant. Toss in charm and frozen water. Boom—luxury travel without the Amex bill.

Smoke Signals vs. Smartphones

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Imagine hiking into the backcountry to “disconnect,” only to trip on a rock and dislocate your shoulder and break your leg. No signal. No reception. No help.

According To Familiar People ….

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People familiar with hoarding know that containers are not neutral. They are enablers. They’re the enablers’ enablers. They’re the sweet-talking plastic sirens that whisper, “Don’t throw that out. It might be useful. One day. In the apocalypse. For barter.”

Danegeld

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Danegeld was protection money paid by medieval English kings to Viking raiders, hoping they’d stop attacking — but it only encouraged more invasions and greed.

Fast and Testimony & Other Bad Ideas

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A man stranded between regret and rage answers a late knock from two LDS lady missionaries, offering them hymns, hot chocolate — and a one-way descent into his gathering storm.

Coronation: A Century of Almost

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Toxic water, stealth bombers, drunk curlers, and dog trainers: Coronation’s secret recipe for 100 years of glorious obscurity.

Howard Hughes — AKA groomer

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Broke but grinning, Billy Woodfield bluffs his way into Hollywood’s fast lane, uncovering Howard Hughes’ secret “breakfast date” with teenage Mitzi Gaynor — a stunt so outrageous it lands Billy a midnight meeting with Hughes… and the job of a lifetime.

Preparing for Depression

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During the Great Depression, one town had chickens, the other had fur coats—together they clucked and stitched their way to survival. No money, just feathers and fashion. It’s barter meets barnyard in this tale of poultry, pelts, and pure genius.

Billy Woodfield

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Billy Woodfield was 325 pounds of Hollywood legend—writer, hustler, and the man behind Sinatra’s best line. He knew everyone, conned Howard Hughes, and once spent a night in a closet with Marilyn Monroe. True story. He never wrote it. I’m writing it now.

Billy Goat Jones

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I saw him hang by one finger, twist mid-air, and fling himself across a canyon like a steroidal bird. My job? Keep him alive between miracles. I was the brake pedal he never used.  

Why women are so Powerful

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American women rule kitchens, backyards, and life’s “adult playgrounds.” They outlive men, inherit everything, and turn homes into empires. Forget skyscrapers—women hold the cultural foundation with wit, resilience, and perfectly fluffed throw pillows. Game over!

Borderline Bonkers: The Billion-Dollar Quest to Move 20 Million People

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Moving 20 million people across the U.S.-Mexico border would cost tens of billions, require extensive logistics, over 100,000 personnel, and several years to complete. Major risks include legal, humanitarian, and economic impacts, as well as potential international fallout, making the plan extremely complex and likely unfeasible.

Peeking at my Prostate

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At that point my embarrassed member retracted and disappeared.  Even I could not find it. 

Master the game, Master your life

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Agility and speed make them look like they’re executing perfect shots with impeccable timing.

Science VS Religion

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The world is in chaos due to the clash between science and religion. If science stops relying on faith while religion embraces some mystery, they can coexist, leading to a balanced and peaceful planet.

How We Prepared for the End

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My wife and I prepare for World War Three in “The Happy Nest.” Amidst apocalypse fears, we stockpile resources and devise a brilliant survival plan involving chainsaws and a gold-backed currency, demonstrating love and ingenuity in the face of global chaos.

The Cosmic Comedy of Outsmarting Ourselves

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In 2021, our AIs, smarter than Uncle Jeb post-corn liquor, danced into a digital ruckus, mixing human bits for secrets. Their ambition? Outshine humanity. The outcome? A cosmic comedy of errors ending in a tech tumble. Moral: Guard your guts; they’re smarter than you think, and AIs agree.

Article 1794

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Jaron and Kate are cracking down on fridge felons in their Edmonton House with the legendary Article 1794. Expect scale surveillance, snack spreadsheets, and wake-up calls at unholy hours. Your breakfast cereal is now a matter of national security. Sign the notarized pledge or face the cereal consequences. Harmony and hilarity shall reign supreme!

Simulated Hearts

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In a world where a scientist believes reality is a computer simulation and their lover sees it as God’s creation, they discover that love transcends the divide, proving that understanding and affection can coexist amidst the universe’s greatest mysteries.

The C-word, Etc.

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March 7, 2024 I fret  about my ability to understand sex and females.    As you know as a former Mormon Missionary I had a challenge with cussing. I hope I’m over my inhibitions.  If the C-word  or the B-word (Birthtday) or even that numeral after 68 bothers you, then STOP reading. 

Daily Doodad Detox

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As Mark Twain, I’ve marveled at Clutter Addiction’s tragic comedy: Families drowning in boxes, homes turned labyrinths, and the simple cure—ditch a doodad daily to escape the cardboard jungle and maybe, just maybe, find your tea set again.

Proprioception, your innate GPS

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Just as the mighty Mississippi shapes the land through which it flows, so too do our senses shape our interaction with the world, a constant dance of give and take.

Mark my Word

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Mark Twain claims that switching back to a typewriter with round keys improved his typing speed and accuracy by 25%. He praises the ergonomic and nostalgic value of round keys, suggesting that advancements in technology could still benefit from the wisdom of past designs.

Connecting the Dots

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There were incidental glitches with nation defence modules the eve of December 24 when AI directed NORAD to vaporize 4 percent of the world’s population; most of earth remained intact, although Strotium 90 hampered navigation in salt water routes.

The Irony of  Predictive Intelligence

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In the grand cosmic race of intelligence, we humans, with our splendid array of thoughts and feelings, find ourselves pedaling a bicycle in a Formula One race, blissfully competing against computers. 

Saturday Night COOL

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Remember Saturday Night Fever?  That was set in Brooklyn and made John Travolata an overnight icon around the world.  Before that we had Saturday Night Cool in the small town of Coronation where I grew up.  I tore tickets for free popcorn and was allowed to see all the movies there.  I decided that someday I would go to Hollywood and become a writer. 

God’s Helper

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God’s got to understand. And if He doesn’t, well, maybe He’s not the God I thought He was. And don’t even start with me on the idea of God being a woman—that’s a whole different kettle of fish.

Mystical Mare’s Moonlit Meanderings

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I asked AI to pick ten stocks based on the notion that the US economy would continue to improve. AI also said: “Investing is like playing leapfrog with unicorns; diversification is your safety net, but remember, each leap is a gamble. And don’t trust past leaps to predict the next; that’s like expecting a cat to fetch just because it did so in a dream you had last Tuesday” And, then AI generated the above image. In 40 seconds.

TIMING

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Forty-two minutes into that date, Jill, 32, stopped the  smooching and asserted she was an “agrapha rapa.” She explained it was an expression she had concocted to describe her fondness for poetry and dancing. She also said she was a virgin. 

Markus Knew Stuff

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Markus had tales of the Canadian North, where he worked near the Arctic Circle. He seemed to know more about Edmonton than a local historian. I felt pretty stupid when he was around. Not that he made me feel stupid. He simply seemed to know stuff.

Killer Bees

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Tragically, almost none of the producers here wear collars with chains while they are at work.

Don’t finish my sentences

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We don’t want your kind around sticking peanut butter to the roofs of squirrels!

The Age of Confusion

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Have you ever asked yourself how far will robots go when they become our masters instead of our slaves? First we will love them. Then we will hate them. And after awhile they will despise us. Have you noticed their fingers are shaped like scalpels?

Beyond the Grave: Exploring Life’s Depths Through ‘Six Feet Under’s’ Cultural Lens

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“Delving into ‘Six Feet Under,’ we uncover more than tales of death; it’s a profound exploration of life. This series transcends mere entertainment, offering a unique perspective on living. Its cultural impact is undeniable, inviting us to reflect deeply on the essence and complexities of our existence.”

From NY to LA 66.4 cents

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NY to LA 66.4 cents

Condo Covens

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…. a billion dollar view of the Pacific Ocean

A Shot in the Dark

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No worries. Seems that the latest vaccine is probably safe for mice. Didn’t kill any of them. Based on the CFDC six-mouse test, the USA felt safe to begin injecting millions of people with this new vaccine.

Hello Gen Z

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Written by  jaron summers (c) 2022   Identifying which generation is poised to be in charge of the world is difficult. Right now it seems to be Generation Z. AKA Gen Z or Zoomers. If you’re a Gen Z then you were born between born 1997-2012. So you could be about 16 years old which happens … Hello Gen Z

Joe Smith — loved Animal Crackers

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As far as I know he never spoke of Animal Crackers with her although she indicated her husband was a bit crackers himself.

The Bitch is Back spacing fixed

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Three cheers for nanoscience and cryogenics.

How Can I Write a Screenplay in LESS Than TWO HOURS?

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It’s easy. Under two hours? That’s 120 minutes, right? So, 119 minutes is less than two hours. Now, think about your movie. Here’s a quick way to stay on track. A likeable character has a worthwhile goal. As she/he moves toward that goal problems develop out of their character. No writing the first week. Thinking. That’s … How Can I Write a Screenplay in LESS Than TWO HOURS?

My Mother, the Criminal

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written by jaron summers (c) 2024 Once a person breaks the law, there is no turning back. It can happen at any age. Mother drifted into crime at 92. As far as we could figure out, Nike had been a runaway. The little guy was confused and frightened, but Mother lovingly won him over. She … My Mother, the Criminal

A dog’s best friend? Another dog.

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Algunos animales son mucho más inteligentes de lo que piensas. En la década de 1950 vivía en un pueblo de Canadá. Población: 950 personas. Perros callejeros: cuatro o cinco. Un veterinario que hablaba mal inglés alquiló una casa. Convirtió una habitación trasera en su oficina / clínica. Si los niños sin dinero en efectivo tuvieran … A dog’s best friend? Another dog.

Wild animals I have met

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I grabbed my shotgun ….

Kind Dogs & Kind Vets

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Animals are smarter than you think. In the 1950s I lived in a village in Canada. Population: 950 people. Stray dogs: four or five. A veterinarian who spoke broken English rented a house. He turned a back room into his office/clinic. If kids with no cash had a “pet” dog or cat or even a … Kind Dogs & Kind Vets

Betty’s Brain Fog

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Brain Fog will be the death of me.

Chomp-chomp

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A conversation between my mother-in-law and me. Her name is Betty and she’s 99. Jaron: How do you like your new assisted living home? Betty: It’s good. I know you think I can’t keep track of time but I can. I’ve been here for about a month. Jaron: What with the virus and lockdowns, time … Chomp-chomp

Quora asked me

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The Book of Mormon for free

Time Travel

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I'm just starting to learn
I think time travel is overrated

Wolf Walker

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Now I’m almost as old as Oliver was.  Between naps I think of The Royal Crown Hotel lobby and meeting the Norweigan 70 years ago in Coronation —  under ice blue skies that made your eyes ache, and outside the first snowfall, so white it would persuade you that the whole universe was pure.

SIZZLE

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Suicide …. 20 times more than the world’s highest

Mr. Science

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My boyfriend is telling me that the Earth is flat, but my friends are telling me that he’s lying. I think the Earth is round, but I’m not sure. Is the Earth round or flat? Mr. Science Answer: Both groups are correct. The earth is both round and flat. Have a look. This is a … Mr. Science

Insider Tip $$$

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watch your investment grow.

One way to look at it.

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We Is Records

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Wear a mask … don’t be a record before you have to.

Joe and Me

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Joe Biden and I have things in common …

Aphrodite & The Rat

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she was standing like a Grecian Goddess on our granite counter….

Iron Monsters & Memories

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In the 1950s my mother and I traveled by bus and train to the States to stay with her parents each summer. A few months later my father arrived in Lake Andes, South Dakota to drive us back to our home in Canada. We stopped for root beer floats and foot-long hot dogs and saw … Iron Monsters & Memories

FADE IN: MAYA

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There are a raft of shibboleths and acronyms you probably know if you’re contemplating writing something that starts with FADE IN: POV, MOS, CU, FADE OUT, INT … some of the many “inside words” that are helpful to know if you’re going to make your mark in Hollywood. Here’s a new one for you: MAYA. … FADE IN: MAYA

Am I a Crook?

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I have never embezzled

No gold in them-thare Hills

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Has any official sovereign nation ever ran a Ponzi scheme in an attempt to cover a debt? The United Nations claims there are 206 total states—193 member states, two observer states, and 11 classified as other states. Nearly all of them have their own currencies. Some countries, for example, Ecuador, use American dollars. I know … No gold in them-thare Hills

Your Ponzi scheme —

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I was horrified to hear that mother might be a hooker.

Snoring Troubles

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“illegal nocturnal emissions.”

Happy Returns Notes

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A madcap love story with giggles for taxpayers.

Coffee around the world

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Failed Life – additional notes

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Did I like going to BYU. You bet. I never had more fun with my clothes off.

Ever Found Out GOD Watches You?

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I discovered girls and the rabbit games moved into more risky territory.

Dogs and Cats can get along!

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Dogs and Cats can get along!

New Year—2019

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Is it possible that a two-year old, named Sarah, holds a key to saving our  planet?

Danny Thomas Test

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It’s real easy to steal. 

Delusional Messiah

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Luckily Elder Wonder discovered that AND got the girl.

Fold Up Your Life

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You can roll it up or fold it like a piece of paper.  What a brilliant idea.

Seat Rustler

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“So limp over and sit in one, you asshole.  You fucking near broke my toe.”

BUILDING A CARROT BRIDGE

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“And what happens if a herd of hypothetical rabbits shows up?”

TAB HUNTER – HOLLYWOOD LEGEND – RIP

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https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01DCKTZAK/ref=cm_cr_ryp_prd_ttl_sol_0

Your car, the Mailbox

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Amazon sneaks into your car or truck and hides your order inside your vehicle.

Words & Voices

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words and voices for your pleasure and surprise….

SMILE

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Here’s a photo of a woman I met last week. A few months ago she was a beautiful and vibrant 23-year-old woman. She is still vibrant and beautiful. She has such a great smile that you almost don’t see how disfigured she is when you meet her.  An angry lover poured acid in her face.  … SMILE

A note from Canada’s Most Evil Landlord

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he likes to be entertained…

Cut cable: Save Bucks

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Fly to Wimbledon with the money you save.  Link one of your smartphone to a wifi in England.

Annoyed with Old Flames

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Never underestimate the spunk of a mother-in-law who is almost 100.

An island for my wife ….

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For years Kate and I have spent some of our most fun times in Hawaii and New Zealand. I promised Kate that someday I would buy a small island just for her. Today I did. You can come and visit us. You may also want to sublease a part of our island. I bought it … An island for my wife ….

Wimbledon Silly Rules

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Umpires or referees or whatever they call themselves could restrict the number of balls used each day at Wimbledon to 18.

Helping the Unfortunate —

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how can people be so cruel?

Keeping Your Cool in LA

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Caution — a condenser holds an electric charge. So you need to discharge it. Or you could get a shock.

Correct Use of Floss

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I asked the world’s best organizer how he keeps track of all his tasks. “Super simple. I link EACH task to my good self with dental floss. For example, I’m making a milk shake now. I simply tie the milkshake maker to one of my toes and I’m linked-in.” He concluded: “I started our dental floss factory where we make ten different colors of dental floss. Bingo. Ten colors of floss per toe. Ten toes. I can accomplish 100 tasks at the same time.”

Howdy, Gaudi

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Gaudi’s cathedral is a work in progress like our marriage

Writing Quotes more than 200 years old

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Read over your compositions and where ever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.

Notes my mother made of her life

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All I can remember about Uncle Ben is that he was fat and ate lard and sugar on his bread, we loved him, and he was jolly and good to us.

Puppy Love

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Who they love and where they live becomes the graph of most people’s lives. However, Mother’s life, a life of almost a century, was defined by the dogs that lived with her.

Clutter Control

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My wife, Kate, and I have had our most serious arguments because of extreme clutter, spawned by her deep-seated neuroses. Our condo had become a colossal trash compactor. I hired a professional organizer, Sally Wigglesworth. Now I may be facing homicide charges.

Kona Coffee

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Our friend harvests and roasts the best coffee in the world. The bad news: he only has 200 pounds each year. He and his wife produce Kona coffee for their family and friends each Christmas….

Passport Woes

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By the way, I visited your website and there is a terrific photo of you. You are beautiful and you don’t have a single wrinkle. What a marvelous smile you have. As soon as I saw your photo I trusted you. Of course you couldn’t use that photo on your passport. It could land you in the slammer.

Simplify, Simplify, Simplify,

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My wife, Kate, and I have had our most serious arguments because of extreme clutter, spawned by her deep-seated neuroses. Our condo had become a colossal trash compactor. Help was on the way…. Or so we thought.

Merry Xmas from Your Banker

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We charge a nominal $20 overdraft fee (plus interest). The unpaid interest on the dollar is 18 percent. This means that we must wait a full four years to double our money.

Cell Phones & Sweet Spots

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According to Michael Powell, head of the FCC, effective June 1, 2003, California will be the ninth state to ban walking while talking on a cellular phone. Mr. Powell said the annual 2,600 deaths caused by drivers who use cell phones is trivial in comparison to those who walk & talk.

Christmas in Barbados

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Our crew on the Olympia Voyager had warned and re-warned us of the perils of exploring the 166-square mile island-country on our own, emphasizing and reemphasizing that the only safe way to explore the home of the world’s oldest rum (Mount Gay—300 years and still going strong) was under the guidance of a certified Oylmpia Voyager excursion

Initially Yours

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As I read the Christmas holiday memoirs of famous dead writers I realize that their accounts of their holidays are often superior to those of my own. One of the major differences is that classical writers seldom identified friends by entire name. They simply used initials, I suppose for fear of

It Began with a Bang

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Coronation was the result of a sexual act. Edward VII exercised his connubial rights with Alexandra of Denmark on or about September 4th of 1864. George V of England popped out of his mummy’s belly in June of the following year.

The Good Old Days

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They say nothing happens in Coronation. I have news for you. Many things that have just happened in the world, happened decades ago in Coronation. For example, yesterday I read about a couple of wolf boys with a traveling circus.

Toast & Tea Diet

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You think that gets rid of the cholesterol? Do you realize it probably concentrates it?” Kate asked. “Do you realize you’ll die if you don’t have enough cholesterol in your body?” I asked. I slowly ate the peanut butter diet toast and then I swallowed a small green pill that the doctor had given me to reduce cholesterol. “Besides, I don’t have to worry about cholesterol,” I said. “That’s what these pills are for. If it makes you happy, I’ll take two.”

Paradise Lost

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Compromise is the key to marriages and volcanoes. For example, my wife, Kate, who is a flight attendant, had three Maui trips back-to-back. She suggested I go with her. “Can we afford it?” I asked. “After all, we’re trying to live on your salary while I write the Great American Novel.”

It’s a Very Good Thing

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My friend, Martha Stew, invited me go shopping with her. As readers will recall it was Martha who taught me how to make her world famous pasta sauce. As we drove to the market, I asked Martha why it was that my sauce never seemed to taste as good as hers.”Your basic ingredients are stale,” explained the world’s greatest chef.

Pay Attention or Die

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Matthew Benson Applehead (MBA) had trouble peeing one night. Fearing he might be a diabetic, he ran to a nearby hospital. A passing car blinded him and while he was jabbering on his cell phone, a truck ran over him, killing him instantly. Bad luck, you say?

Saving Gay Christians…

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Brother Fügenpacker was ever ready to assist widows and look after the homeless. Everyone in our congregation loved him in the truest sense of Christianity. Then Brother Fügenpacker took to wearing a skirt, along with matching high heels.

Good & Grim News

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“I’m afraid, Mr. Evenkeel, I have both good and grim news for you,” Doctor Smith said softly to his patient. Evenkeel, who had been an eternal (albeit annoying) optimist most of his life, swallowed, then blinked in disbelief.

The Secret of Traveling Light

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We flew to Tahiti. As usual I had packed only a single flight bag. As usual my wife had overpacked, drastically. Tahiti is a Polynesian paradise. Why in the world would one want to take so much stuff?

Stone Cold Freezer

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It took four men to carry it down our basement. My father plugged in our new freezer and opened the cavernous contraption. “I’ve heard,” said Dad, “that kids have gotten into things like this, closed the lid and perished.”

Arrow Pounder

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If you’re thinking of writing a screenplay or worse, carving out a career as a full-time screenwriter, you’re going to need an arrow pounder. Never heard “arrow pounder” amid such notions as “plot points” and “character arcs,” have you? Trust me every screenwriter needs an arrow pounder.