Tag Archives: bittersweet

Fly Me to the Moon

| January 1, 2024
She smiles behind a touch of too much makeup and her shoes are not sexy now. Polished but functional with one-inch heels. Her hair would be grey if she did not color it and there are lines, not all of them from laughter. She is an old flight attendant and it took all of her energy to get out of bed and pull on her uniform and “welcome” a thousand strangers who do not look at her anymore.

WM

| October 18, 2018
Thanks for trusting us!    Hi, we are Hooper and Kate   You can read and listen for FREE to the first chapter of The Whooping Moose. Please click here.  The entire graphic novel with over 150 astonished images, special effects and music will be available for 24.99 next week.  It comes with a 40 minute hilarious […]

The Hummingbird

| April 20, 2015
I had a college roommate who possessed good looks and charisma. He exuded passion. In college he felt that taxes were unconstitutional because he believed the government had been taken over by a ruthless organization which was in turn controlled by a group of powerful industrialists. These industrialists used kings and….

Baby Talk

| April 20, 2015
Most parents have no business raising children. They labor under total illusion as to their offsprings’ intellect.Take my friends, the Thors, who invited me to meet their new baby, Liam.I had no wish to meet any baby. (One does not have to be a rocket scientist to realize that few children under eight years are not human when it…

Word From Outer Space

| April 20, 2015
Being a CB radio operator, when I heard static coming from the Hale-Bopp Comet, I homed in on it.I was astonished to make contact with someone lurking behind the comet. Following is a transcript of our conversation:”This is Do,” said a frail voice through the ether.”Are you the leader of that cult that killed…

The Dinosaur

| April 20, 2015
He died Sunday, October 10, in Edmonton. His family had sold his house and he had moved into the Waterford, an assisted living complex. He stayed there barely a week and then had to return to the Grey Nuns Hospital and intensive care.His short-term memory was burned out, but I could get him back on track by talking…

Candle in a Hurricane

| April 20, 2015
Stina Thor’s family and friends said goodbye to her, September 14, 2002 in Malibu. She was born in 1958. When I met her in 1968 I would have bet she was going to live forever. Stina had everything. Brains, beauty, humor, an infectious enthusiasm for life and she really cared about people. Her father, Larry Thor, was my professor at UCLA.

PO List

| April 18, 2015
We have some dear friends in Australia and they are going to have a grandchild in a few months. The mother-to-be often wonders what her baby might be thinking about or saying. I was able to contact the child and here are the things the child wants in a few months. Hi Mom, Just a quick note to let you know how things are going.

Simple Brain Surgery

| April 18, 2015
Recently, a dear friend, Gary Dartnall (the executive producer of a film I wrote), became effusive with his praise when I handed in some rewrites. Gary also took to bursting into upbeat songs and I noticed he was tipping waiters more than five per cent. It was obvious to both the director and me that Gary was slipping…

Mob Rule Some Wild Stats

| April 18, 2015
I make the astonishing observation that cell phones (mobile phones) caused the murder rate to drop annually from 2,200 to 500 in New York. Of course, I know nothing about statistics but neither do statisticians. Still, if you look at when the NY murder rate started to plummet (around 1995), you will see that’s when cell phone saturation hit almost…

Mob Rule

| April 18, 2015
You know, talking to friends and colleagues about rumors and happenings. Meaningless babble. Apparently we are hard-wired to stand around the water cooler and chew the fat since in the good old days knowing what was going on, saved having our own fat from being chewed up. “Say did you hear Uncle Henry was eaten at ….

Ultimate Diplomacy

| April 18, 2015
Some become diplomats through birth. Others through dedicated education and focused study. A few geniuses, such as myself, achieve statesmanship (the ultimate diplomacy) through pure genius. I won’t give details and examples, Gentle Reader, for that would insult your intelligence. I am sure you are aware Prince Phillip…

3 Passports

| April 18, 2015
Yep. I have three passports. US. Canada and GB. No, I’m not a spy except in my dreams in which I pilot my personal flying saucer. I love England, Canada and the USA. And wisely picked the correct grandparents so that I ended up a citizen of all three countries. Having three passports has caused me some….

On Tap

| April 18, 2015
Tools. The things that separate men from beasts. Using ominous and shiny tools, dentists can hammer fresh incisors into your head after some miscreant uses a tire iron (auto tool) to smash in your porcelain caps (bite tools) because your wallet (money tool) contained only ….

Dublin

| April 18, 2015
Suggestions on how to see and enjoy Dublin, Ireland. We like to stay in one place and get to know the locals. Kate’s Prime Rule: Unpack and re-pack once per country. Go to www.airbnb.com and look …

Pay Off

| April 18, 2015
I had not been in a Chase bank for several years and was surprised to be welcomed by a young lady. I showed her our latest mortgage bill. She pointed to a teller. “Make your monthly payment there, Jaron.” “Okay. I’m going to pay it all off.

Every 100 Years

| April 18, 2015
It would be a singular honor for the town to have me address the expected throngs—present and past lovers of Coronation. 3,000+ guests are expected. The town will be aswarm with visitors. Many are aware that I have written short stories about Coronation. Additionally, countless old friends are…

Every 100 Years (Part 2)

| April 18, 2015
Background: Coronation, Canada (pop. 999), celebrates its centennial and I’m invited to speak. I confide to anyone who will listen, including the postman and gardener, that I’m the keynote speaker and guest of honor.My wife, Kate, has her doubts, plus it’s going to cost us a bucket of bucks to get back to my hometown … more expensive by…

Leaving…

| April 18, 2015
Jacko Chessman, California career criminal, at the Flyaway bus ticket window, mulled over his last two decades in the Golden State. “I adore Southern California,” said Mr. Chessman, who served twelve of the last twenty years behind bars. “Truth is, our worst lock-ups beat most world-class resorts. You got the best climate on…

Kona Notes

| April 18, 2015
My wife, Kate, and I often spend time in Kona. Here are a few notes on the place. notes-1 Sun 30/01/11 – my journal … Kate and I are in Kona looking after chickens, dogs, cats and fending off wild pigs at the 1200 foot level of the island.

Vegas Report

| April 18, 2015
Kate and I flew to Las Vegas for one day and two nights—my only gal cousin, Pris, is living there with her husband. It was her birthday. We saw the water show for free at the Bellagio. Best thing to watch in Vegas. We spent no money gambling. The Eiffel tower is newer than the one they have in Paris. A security guard told me…

Woogly World

| April 18, 2015
Historians will examine this decade to determine what went woogly. Someone will have to take responsibility for the disappeared dollars (about twenty trillion) and, the beginning of the ice age. And, oh yes, the raging cannibalism when the starving masses realized lawyers could constitute fine sources of protein.

R.I.P. Bin Laden

| April 18, 2015
When the Twin Towers disappeared in flames many thought a bunch of stupid and cowardly terrorists did it. Me? I felt that it was one of the cleverest sneak attacks that the world had ever seen and that the people behind it—although the personification of evil—were smart. And brave.

Penguin Love Nest

| April 18, 2015
Hi There! I am looking for a room to rent mainly on Thursday afternoon to evening. Could be other days rarely. My girlfriend and I would be meeting there. I would prefer following but not MUST: 1) Should be able to get a key to access this room so that I don’t have to bother someone to open it for me.

2011

| April 17, 2015
My wife and I do not have any children and we are sad about this. But we are even more sad about the number of children our friends are producing. It was not easy, but after we received the above Christmas card I wrote the following to the man who was responsible for these 28 children. Has he no shame?

Aliens

| April 17, 2015
We’ve been looking for them for most of my life and with little success. Make that no success. Until recently we sent out signals to reach out and touch someone or something. This seems to me to be a little dangerous. Kind of the like Bambi mailing mapquest directions of his home to the Big Bad Wolf. It’s lucky the Klingons didn’t get

Officer Bubbles

| April 17, 2015
Hi, I am a Canadian Citizen and have paid my full and fairly honest taxes for many years. Partial confession. I am not perfect. When I was ten I stole Lifesavers (peppermint) from our local grocer in Didsbury, Alberta, and although I was under a cloud of suspicion for over a year, I was never apprehended…

Dr. Paul

| April 17, 2015
I might live to be a hundred he says. “But then again, there’s a chance I won’t. ”He taps a cigarette from a pack and touches a match to the tobacco and inhales deeply. Now in his 81st year, Doug Paul, MD, contemplates death, something—he, as a medical doctor—has battled against all of his life. Until recently that battle has been fought on behalf of others.

Down Under 75 Above

| April 17, 2015
New Zealand is the most beautiful and safest place in the world. Add to this a winter average temperature of 75 degrees and you have paradise. My wife and I just returned from Auckland, New Zealand. We were there for the shortest day of its year – June 21. In the Southern Hemisphere everything is backwards. Their winter is our summer and so on.

Free

| April 17, 2015
Dear Mary, Thank you for your lovely thoughts. I assure you that the talent and charm you attribute to me simply proves that you possess great imagination and compassion. So just go ahead and start writing

Pearl

| April 17, 2015
I usually concentrate on writing humorous pieces. Recently, though, I haven’t felt like writing funny stuff, since I’ve been thinking a lot about the death of my mother, Pearl. I miss her. She was wise and funny and compassionate. Born in 1903, she weathered all the depressions—

Gotcha

| April 17, 2015
There’s a novel way to deal with people like me who may soon be faced with dementia and/or Alzheimer’s. According to the Telegraph in Great Britain, the Benrath Senior Centre in Düsseldorf, Germany had problems with patients wandering off. Residents, because of short term memory loss, inevitably forgot why they had left the facilities.

Sera

| April 17, 2015
To save you reading the same things over and over — I will highlight Sera’s email. I will not highlight my stuff because it’s all brilliant and original. Jaron Let me know if the room/apt you advertise on craigslist.com is still available and let me know if you can

Chase Your $$$$

| April 16, 2015
Chase Customer Service Rep (Chase): Good morning. We are recording this to maintain customer satisfaction. Jaron: Great. I was going through my online banking and I see that I paid you $450 two weeks ago. Last night you rejected my online deposit. Chase: Correct. That is why you still owe

Access Beats Ownership

| April 16, 2015
I recently told you there was a way to get some of the cheese, the cheese being the money and/or real property in a world that offers diminishing jobs and spiraling inflation. I think by now you realize that my philosophy is to work for yourself. There are many reasons for this but one of the best ones is that when you work for yourself you have

Ponzi

| April 16, 2015
Let us begin with a small Ponzi scheme. Bernie Madoff put one together – we all know he bilked sophisticated investors out of fifty billion dollars. He is going to jail for forever and day. Everyone knows how a Ponzi scheme works. Essentially you persuade people to let you invest their money and then you put it in your pocket. You pay the people who invested

Scholars

| April 16, 2015
If you are looking for the smartest scholars in the world come to my home, within walking distance of The University of Alberta. I rent rooms to four grad students who attend the great campus. I would put my four fellows up against any group of scholars who have ever lived. Aristotle, Einstein, Hawking. It would not matter. My lads – in their sleep

Dr. Juliet 2

| April 16, 2015
Back Story — I advertise a home for rent in Edmonton. An internet scammer, Juliet, has tried to hook me into sending her money — These scammers send out 1,000s of emails to people on Craigslist who often just want to help students and earn enough money to survive.

B & B

| April 16, 2015
My wife, Kate, and I toyed with buying a bed and breakfast lodge in Ontario. Our realtor recommended a property owned by a Mrs. X in one of the most lovely spots of the world, Niagara-on-the-Lake. During the Shaw Festival accommodations are at a premium and

Shab

| April 16, 2015
I am not sure where he came from or how he learned to do what he did but he was one of the most bizarre characters who ever settled in our village. He was an electrician … … who resembled a Sumo wrestler with a French name, and how he learned about electricity I don’t know.

Bart

| April 16, 2015
They say nothing happened in Coronation but they must have been out of town one Saturday night in 1960. The evening started out dull, not much to do but watch a movie at The Avalon, the town’s only theater, or maybe wander over to the Chinese cafe and have a cold Coke and a warm piece of pie. Then eat it slowly and wonder what would become of you.

Who Am I Now?

| April 16, 2015
People I trusted lost my identity and it’s in the hands of person’s unknown or a spy. It all began about five months ago when I applied for a Canadian passport. After only three attempts and four months, Canada issued me a passport but—well, you can see what happened

End Game

| April 15, 2015
Background. After months of mind games (using electron microscopes to find fly specs on my head shot so it could reject my application and destroy our travel plans), Passport Canada reluctantly awarded me a new passport but sent my driver’s license and birth certificate to a stranger, Mr. X. They also sent me Mr. X’s old passport

Room 4 Rent

| April 15, 2015
We have a house in Edmonton that we rent to students. Occasionally scammers send us phony cashier’s checks. They insist on paying more than we ask for the place. AKA: advance rent fraud. They instruct us to send the difference

180 words benefits of global warming

| April 15, 2015
Note to self: When buying co-ops in New York go for something above the fifth floor. Perhaps global warming will cause the oceans to rise and New York will be underwater and you will drown on lower floors. Logical? Nope. Within a New York second of the Atlantic’s rise Washington will hire a bunch of Dutch engineers to build dikes along the

3 AM

| April 15, 2015
Every night for the last 40 years or so I get up around 3 AM and go to the bathroom. I always think of things to write about. Lately I have been writing them down. What would happen if you got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and you stubbed your toe just as…

ZZZ-Answer

| April 15, 2015
Do I really think we should all hibernate for most of the winter? No, I guess not. But what would happen if we stayed in bed a bit longer? It worked for Hugh Hefner and of course Winston Churchill spent much of his time in bed, working away.

Halifax Hustle

| April 15, 2015
The chaos was worsening. The loons on St. Margaret’s Bay sang silly songs in the Nova Scotia fog. A phone rang and McDuff, 71 and overweight, sat bolt upright. He felt insignificant on his huge Simmons Beautyrest memory foam bed in the corner of his massive second floor suite. Nestled beside McDuff his third wife Danielle, 35,

If We Talk

| April 15, 2015
Not that far in the future, a few years after the kids learned to use surface-plus computers … the Armed Forces of Earth offered a course called War Animation for Peace (WAP). The course was a hit with the younger cyber crowd. It took six years of intense dedication and you learned how to annihilate computer-generated space invaders.

Go Green

| April 15, 2015
Fred Fünkendiddle was into green. “The most important thing we can do for the planet is conserve Mother Nature’s resources,” Fred Fünkendiddle said to his wife. “But Darling, I recycle everything. I am a strict vegetarian and I read only in sunlight to conserve power.”

FORD — R.I.P.

| April 15, 2015
President Ford had a lot to say about certain politicians—in nearly all cases his remarks were made to reporters with the stipulation that they not be revealed until after Mr. Ford’s death. Ford said Carter was a “disaster” and our best president was Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Roof Rat

| April 15, 2015
Notes from the homeowner – I heard scratching noises above the ceiling tiles. The roof rat was back. There was a hole in the wall by the top of the bookcase that looked like the access that the rat used. I placed glue-pads on the bookcase

Travel Controls

| April 15, 2015
Max Wayward was the first person publicly executed in California as a result of the Travel Controls & Restrictions Act of 2007. The governor of California presided over a television special, showing authorities strapping a sedated Wayward to a green gurney as a medical doctor pumped blue liquid into his main artery.

The Big Picture

| April 15, 2015
The third planet had turned into a tiny sun and the aliens were sad to see the end of the human race. What had gone wrong? Toward the end of their reign on earth, the humans argued incessantly over a couple of fun subjects. One was evolution, the other was Intelligent

To Live Forever

| April 15, 2015
The old man was fabulously rich, having acquired his wealth making puzzles and riddles. In the few weeks (or was it hours?) that the old man had left, he summoned the brightest inventors in the world to his deathbed and said he had one last riddle, or was it a request?

War of the Worlds

| April 15, 2015
I usually have the greatest admiration for Steven Spielberg, a film genius. War of the Worlds. Its best feature is the voice over by Morgan Freeman. The guy could convince me that my wife is perfect. He has that kind of power. He’s so good that he could probably convince my wife that I’m perfect.

Crocodile Hunter

| April 15, 2015
I spent a fun weekend with Steve Irwin, the Australian Crocodile Hunter. Recently, he was criticized for “introducing” his newborn to a man-eating croc. Steve and Terry (his beautiful wife) have repeatedly risked their lives (along with their kids) to provide TV viewers

The Friendly Skies

| April 15, 2015
Once upon a time there was a clever CEO (let’s call him Glenn) who ran one of the most successful airlines in the world (let’s call it United Airlines). Now into our story comes Patricia. She’s 46 with two teenagers and, sad to say, she’s been a widow for a few years. Patricia is a United Airlines flight attendant with an MA in languages and,

Misunderstanding

| April 15, 2015
Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted to a possible faux pas in his dealings with women prior to winning the governorship in The Golden State of California. “My sin, if you could call it that, is in the past, I categorized women. I am very sorry for that. No group of people should be grouped together without…

Model Spokesperson

| April 14, 2015
Supermodel Niki Bassett divides her hectic life between New York runways and faraway Ethiopia. Ms. Bassett, who earns $100,000 a day posing for clients such as Victoria’s Secret, returned via private jet from Ethiopia where she had addressed indigenous groups in an effort to raise the consciousness of women…

Open the Poles

| April 14, 2015
In a surprise strategy that stunned the nation, President Bush announced his new running mate for 2004 is Saddam Hussein. “I promised to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Who knows more about their locations than Saddam Hussein? When he’s on our team he’ll take us to those hidden bunkers…

Baghdad’s B&B

| April 14, 2015
As my loyal readers know I am in Baghdad covering the second of the three Gulf Wars. The bombs are raining down and blowing appendages about but, to be honest, I am more concerned about the shabby manner that I am being treated in the Mohammed Motel in downtown Baghdad.

What’s in a Name?

| April 14, 2015
George Mohammed, a world-famous linguist, is a Persian-American who has spent most of his life working with the United Nations. Now 64, Dr. Mohammed faces the greatest challenges of his career. He is in charge of renaming various parts of Iraq to mirror the recent regime change.

The Future of Us

| April 14, 2015
The beginning of the end of the world might have been in Vietnam when a general explained he had to destroy the village of Ben Suc in order to save it. A few decades later, actually only a heartbeat in terms of the so called indomitable human spirit, the most powerful nation in the world fell upon a nasty dictator who possessed..

Shoebox Filing

| April 14, 2015
When it comes to organizing our lives, we use the modified shoebox method around our household. We scribble Bills on the end of a shoebox—we stuff all our financial stuff into it. We have shoeboxes for everything but our shoes. Footwear we put in apple boxes. I don’t know why.

Christmas in Barbados

| April 14, 2015
Our crew on the Olympia Voyager had warned and re-warned us of the perils of exploring the 166-square mile island-country on our own, emphasizing and reemphasizing that the only safe way to explore the home of the world’s oldest rum (Mount Gay—300 years and still going strong) was under the guidance of a certified Oylmpia Voyager excursion

Flipping Houses

| April 14, 2015
After I was fired as assistant foreman of the poultry farm, I decided to go into the real estate industry. (Over the last twelve years I have purchased most of the real estate courses available on late night cable shows.) The basis of these courses is to show

Colorful Characters

| April 14, 2015
I recently spent several days in the world’s friendliest city, New York. The town is coming back like a lion and the colorful residents turned out to be some of the most helpful I have ever had the pleasure to spend time with. If the terrorists thought they have brought the city to its knees those terrorists were sadly mistaken.

Auto be a Law

| April 14, 2015
As readers of this column may recall my wife recently committed an error that resulted in the theft of our Acura Legend. The person who stole our favorite car was charged with operating a vehicle without the permission of the owner. In California this is a misdemeanor equivalent to spitting in public.

Auto Be More Assertive

| April 14, 2015
I have always thought that love was more important than possessions so I was understanding when the action (or should I say, non-action) of Kate, my wife, resulted in a car “accident.” The car was an Acura Legend that I took very good care of. Each Saturday morning I lugged a bucket of soapy hot water to the garage so that Kate…

Somebody

| April 14, 2015
My wife, Kate, never gets angry with me. And I never get angry or even impatient with her. You see, whenever we speak, we always refer to somebody else. Let me give you an example. When I came home the other day,

Ax and Ye Shall Receive

| April 14, 2015
Pablo Moreira, 28, a Uruguay banker, says he will sue United Airlines and Tony Robbins for interfering with his travel plans. “It started out innocently enough,” said the banker. “After we took off from the States I told some of the flight attendants that I could secure preferred charge cards for people who are..

Cake Walk

| April 14, 2015
Kenny Lay and I were having a drink the other day and he chatted about his resignation as CEO from Enron, America’s energy giant. “Are you bitter?” I asked. “Why, no. I’ve squirreled away a few bucks for a rainy day.” “Kenny,” I asked, “how much did you squirrel?”

Initially Yours

| April 14, 2015
As I read the Christmas holiday memoirs of famous dead writers I realize that their accounts of their holidays are often superior to those of my own. One of the major differences is that classical writers seldom identified friends by entire name. They simply used initials, I suppose for fear of

Snip, Snipe, Snip

| April 14, 2015
When I am in the midst of composing one of my hilarious weekly columns, my wife often interrupts me with the pretense of cutting my hair. The result is the loss of a brilliant column, albeit the appearance of my ears. Today, as I was thirty-seven per cent into an exquisitely funny column, Kate said, “Time for a trim.”

Taliban Barbie

| April 14, 2015
A group of Taliban religious leaders plans to market “Taliban Barbie”™ early in the New Year, according to investigative journalist Geraldo Rivera. General Mohammed Sphincter explained to Mr. Rivera outside of Kabul that “Taliban Barbie”™ will help to reeducate members of the al-Qaida network along with its supporters.

Road Tolls

| April 14, 2015
Dear Sirs, There is no question that my wife, Kate, and I were driving on your toll road at the time and place indicated on our recent “Notice of Toll Evasion.” I fully and freely admit this. My wife continues to harbor doubts. May I explain?

How to Feel Great

| April 14, 2015
There are many ways to write a column and if you are busy, busy, busy often all you do is read the first and last paragraph. If you are one of those people, here’s the first and last paragraph. First paragraph—When my wife, Kate, and I walked onto the grounds at the Optimum Health Institute …

Sex on the Sand

| April 14, 2015
Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. bin Laden had been dwelling in the Afghanistan desert for what seemed like forever. Bin Laden’s youngest wife had said at breakfast over shriveled figs, “it’s like we have been living like sand crabs on this like desert for like eons.” “I don’t appreciate it when you use the word ‘like,'” said her husband.

Desert Love

| April 14, 2015
Afghanistan is a bitter and hostile country where countless people perish under a relentless desert sun. A land of terrorists and drug dealers, a land of radical religions. But it also a land of spectacular panoramas and delightful people. One such delightful person is Osama

The Soul of Mankind

| April 14, 2015
As readers of this column know, my wife and I live in a small condo. Until recently there were no children here. I like children; I’ve always said they’re the soul of mankind. A few days ago, Ruth Smith moved into the complex with her eight-year-old twins—a girl named Sally and a boy, Damian.

Hang Ups!

| April 14, 2015
A twenty-seven-year old widow is helping to make it a misdemeanor to drive while talking on a cell phone throughout many North America communities. Donna Babing, working with the Sierra Club, has also been behind legislation barring cell phone calls on federally owned wetlands.

Deep Dolphin

| April 14, 2015
An expert on deviant animal behavior was arrested Sunday on first-degree murder charges in this seaside community of rock stars, movie celebrities and corporate executives. Dr. Patrick Finley, 68, who taught and lectured throughout the world and was a frequent contributor to National Geographic, is being held without bail in

Mr. Mills

| April 14, 2015
They say nothing ever happened in Coronation but few people ever sat in on Mr. Mills’ fifth grade class, my home room teacher. Mr. Mills, would look out the second-story window of our red brick schoolhouse as a car sped by and ask, “I wonder what that driver is going to do with his extra two minutes?”

Oh, Baby!

| April 14, 2015
I met Mr. and Mrs. Brady in their home in Las Vegas. Their four-bedroom residence had been turned into a media circus. As readers will recall, the Bradys made headline news when Mrs. Brady gave birth to 18 babies last month. During our interview, haggard church

Egging Me On

| April 14, 2015
Life may imitate art, but around our home, marriage imitates international relations. Last Sunday I was preparing omelets for my wife Kate and her parents. My mother-in-law Betty (who understands fully that when I am creating a culinary masterpiece

Getting Yours

| April 14, 2015
I met with a strange duck to find out some of his secrets for survival. He lives in Los Angeles and his name is Mr. Noraj. Mr. Noraj is a middle-aged man with a warm smile who likes kids and has thinning hair. Few people realize what kind of diabolical things he perpetrates on a daily basis.

Hang Ups

| April 14, 2015
Claude Cramp teaches an intensive course in urban driving skills to rich bitches. Jaron: As a former employee of the Department of Motor Vehicles, do you enjoy your job? Mr. Cramp: I love it. I specialize in helping the rich hone their driving skills.

Jack’s Back

| April 13, 2015
Jack, the Mad Russian, is dead. Shot between the eyes. Suicide say the police. (See my last column.) His brand new Lexus X5 SUV towers over a Porsche Carrera-4. Their combined value could hit two hundred thousand. After the police smashed down the Mad

Bye Jack

| April 13, 2015
Happy holidays. About a week ago I returned to our small condo complex and noticed that our neighbor’s door down the hallway was open. I went to the door and knocked and a stranger wandered out of a back bedroom.

Brain Freeze

| April 13, 2015
In recent years we have come to think of our brain as a computer. In the good old days of Aristotle we knew what the brain was. A refrigerator. No, I’m not kidding. Aristotle had it figured out that the brain was used to cool the blood.

Toast & Tea Diet

| April 13, 2015
You think that gets rid of the cholesterol? Do you realize it probably concentrates it?” Kate asked. “Do you realize you’ll die if you don’t have enough cholesterol in your body?” I asked. I slowly ate the peanut butter diet toast and then I swallowed a small green pill that the doctor had given me to reduce cholesterol. “Besides, I don’t have to worry about cholesterol,” I said. “That’s what these pills are for. If it makes you happy, I’ll take two.”

The Inside Poop of the Rich and Famous

| April 13, 2015
Mr. Richard (Rich) Twit, the world’s wealthiest man arose after a long and sleepless night. Several of his zillion dollar mergers were not going well. Mrs. Twit had a frightful headache and there had been no sex for Mr. Twit for some weeks now. The government was threatening yet another suit to bust up Mr. Twit’s many, many conglomerates.

Cloned Co-eds

| April 13, 2015
Even in the fields of eugenics and DNA, few have heard of Dr. Stein. A year ago Wired Magazine printed a passing reference to him, dubbing the scientist, “The Poor Man’s God.” Intrigued, I tracked down Dr. Stein. Dr. Stein, 67, wears eyeglasses that are duct taped together and dresses in what appears to be thrift-shop clothing.

Top Dog

| April 13, 2015
The world’s most powerful man is the President of the United States. When you think of the President what is the first image that comes to your mind? Air Force One? Old Glory? The President chatting with the nation from the Rose Garden?

Cell Sell Sex

| April 13, 2015
The cell phone, the world’s most ubiquitous communications tool, may be for taking, but what about making a sexual statement? Success in the business world is this millennium’s aphrodisiac. A male who announces within seconds of meeting the female that his net worth

Concorde Background

| April 13, 2015
Several readers have asked about the time I almost crashed the Concorde. Well, like most things I write—the better ones (I think) are based on my unusual but actual experiences. A few decades ago I was writing a screenplay for Andrew McLaglen. He is a world class director and the son..

Stupider Than a Speeding Bullet

| April 13, 2015
I thought about going for a spin on the Concorde when the famous plane was here for our air show last month but I was short of cash and besides I’ve already had the pleasure of flitting across the Atlantic on the craft. As a matter-of-fact it was aboard the Concorde that I was treated like an idiot and the captain pointed at me after we

High Fliers

| April 13, 2015
Timing. It’s everything. Take the case of the recent Concorde disaster. Many years ago my wife and I flew on it. Lots of fun. Had we taken the Concorde flight a few days ago, we would be dead. But we missed the ill-fated ride by at least a decade.

Hong Kong

| April 13, 2015
Six years ago my wife and I visited an astonishing city: Hong Kong. Mirrored skyscrapers shimmered like silk. Wealth was everywhere. Except in broken shadows where harnessed coolies pulled rickshaws. My wife, Kate, says that Hong Kong swelters like a desert city without a beach.

Eskimo Parrot

| April 13, 2015
In humor writing you have to be careful who you make fun of. I wrote a hilarious story about selling a house to a Mexican. I made fun of myself and my family. The story, as an added bonus and an example of my talent, was also poignant. I titled the story: ….

I, Hernia

| April 13, 2015
Hello, I am Jaron’s Hernia and this is my story. Hernia is Latin and made up of: “Her” and “Nia.” “Her” is Jaron’s wife, Kate, and she brought me into existence by complaining that their condo was leaking. This caused Jaron, clutching a hundred

Cyber Cash

| April 13, 2015
Cyberspace is filled with information. The great thing about owning information is you can sell it. Unlike a car, after you sell information you still have the information—plus you have more information about the people who bought it from you, so you have more information to sell and so on. I think Bill Gates picked the right area to get into.

Published Author

| April 13, 2015
And because most of us have a secret desire to be well-known and witty authors, there exists a vast network of sources ready to help us. You’ve seen the ads: a “reputable” New York or Toronto publisher is hunting for a few good writers. So you send in your manuscript—

Dog Dilemma

| April 13, 2015
Life is filled with dilemmas. The dog is four years old and is named Nike and belonged to my mother who died last year. My mother was 95 and as her only offspring I am the sole beneficiary and executor of her tiny estate. I’m in charge now. My wife and I inherited Mother’s house,

Dog Dilemma Two

| April 13, 2015
As readers will recall, after my mother died last year, I turned her home into a kennel for her beloved pup, Nike. He enjoyed my efforts but I worried he would get away and perish in cold weather or traffic. And Nike was lonesome. I could not take the adorable pup to Los Angeles with me because we cannot

No Juice, No Use

| April 13, 2015
Since I’ve had some luck writing screenplays, seldom a week goes by that a business person doesn’t offer me “a great motion picture idea.” These executives, many of whom have seen movies, all of whom wear mostly black clothing, attempt to induce me into writing their screenplay with offers of vast riches.

Do Not Read

| April 13, 2015
From time to time loyal readers ask me questions. A WARNING. There is a question coming up that you may find offensive. I certainly don’t want to upset you by talking about what you may feel is a deplorable habit. So if you have never masturbated or you feel it is immoral, DO NOT READ any further.

When I Die

| April 13, 2015
My darling wife, Kate: Well, I’m gone now and you ended up with the houses, the cars, the bank accounts, my gold Rolex, all my new suits, my seven computers and everything I ever wrote. It goes without saying that you’ll miss me tremendously and although you may

It’s a Very Good Thing

| April 13, 2015
My friend, Martha Stew, invited me go shopping with her. As readers will recall it was Martha who taught me how to make her world famous pasta sauce. As we drove to the market, I asked Martha why it was that my sauce never seemed to taste as good as hers.”Your basic ingredients are stale,” explained the world’s greatest chef.

Chinese Chalk Talk

| April 13, 2015
My wife, Kate, is always buying things for our home that make no sense. We had ants; she bought some chalk to get rid of them. The chalk was made in China. I told her it was silly to think that chalk could rid us of ants. “Silly? Moi?” Kate asked, sweetly. Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly…

Be a Millionaire

| April 13, 2015
Many decent and fine folks who work from nine to five, seven days a week, will NEVER retire. They spend all their paychecks on food, clothing and housing. By the 22nd of each month, they run out of money and are forced to assume MASSIVE credit card DEBT to survive until their next meager paycheck.

Whooping Moose

| April 13, 2015
Ten years ago, Dr. Erve, one of the world’s leading environmentalists, led a worldwide drive to save Canada’s whooping moose from extinction. The miniature moose, about the size of a rabbit, makes a sound similar to the whooping crane. There were forty-three of the small quadrupeds left on the planet.

The Final Day

| April 13, 2015
I’m a security guard. If I ever pass the police aptitude test, I’m going to be a full-fledged peace officer and then I can carry a gun. Just around midnight I was patrolling the South end of the city’s main nuclear generation facility when I observed this dude, dressed up like a friggin’ ninja, all in black, scaling the 15-foot cyclone

Bug Killer

| April 11, 2015
“Chip” Cursor was the first victim of the Millennium Bug in this century. On 01/01/00, I talked to Mr. Cursor in his hospital room where he was hooked up to life support. Mr. Cursor: Come back tomorrow. I’m expecting a call from my wife. Jaron: Your wife claims you went

The Last Lawsuit

| April 11, 2015
The year is AD 2027 and all but one of the millions of lawsuits precipitated by the Y2K bug have been settled. The plaintiff is Mr. Jaron Summers, a handsome elderly man with a warm, grandfatherly smile. He walks with graceful dignity using a silver cane, one of the innumerable gifts he’s received from royalty around the world.

Don’t Box Me In

| April 11, 2015
My wife, whom I love dearly, has a box fetish.This is a tragic and deep-seated neurosis that is apparently part of her family’s DNA. It causes the females in her family to collect and hoard boxes, mostly cardboard. Over the past decade, Kate has crammed more and more boxes into our small condo and until last week there were so many in our bedroom that we could only make love in a south-by-southwestern configuration and only one participant had enough space to scream.