Author Archives: jaron

Jaron Summers wrote dozens of primetime television and radio programs, including those for HBO, CBS, ACCESS TV and CBC. He conceived the TV and Film Institute of Canada. Funded by the University of Alberta and ITV, Jaron ran the Institute for 12 years, donating his services for a decade.

Glass Before Walls

| March 29, 2026
I guess when you’re young there are some things you don’t understand. When you grow up, you think about them again. In my case it was Father Dodo, which just happened to be what everyone called him. I think his real name was Father Van Tellie, but now that doesn’t atter much.  Even the Catholics […]

What the Mirror Took

| March 29, 2026
Charlie Fast had been a card mechanic at eighteen, back in the day when a spotless cuff and a calm hand could part a fool from his paycheck without anyone feeling insulted. He never rushed a move. He slowed everything down. Freeze-frame slow. No jerks. No flourishes. No misdirection. He wanted you to see exactly […]

Auto-Renew: The Horror Story

| March 29, 2026
The Subscription That Wouldn’t Die For at least two years, possibly longer, a company I barely remembered was charging my credit card. Not aggressively. Not loudly. Just… faithfully. The company is called 10Web. I’m sure it provides something useful to someone. Perhaps to many someones. But to me it had become one of those modern […]

Au Pair

| March 27, 2026
I have reached a point in my life where I believe every problem I encounter—particularly those that are not my fault—can be solved by hiring a 19-year-old Swedish au pair. This is not a whimsical conclusion. It is the result of years of careful observation, reflection, and several avoidable incidents involving jackets with 35 pockets. […]

Dream Big. Drink Small.

| March 26, 2026
    I like to reassure friends who are down on their luck. I tell them, very sincerely, “If I win the Mega Millions jackpot—say a billion dollars—I’m buying you a cup of coffee.” They look at me the way you look at a man who has just offered you a single peanut at a […]

Powered by Snapping Honey Badgers

| March 23, 2026
At my age, every modern platform begins with the same smiling promise: this will be easy. That is the first lie. Somewhere deep inside Fiverr, where timers tick softly and customer-service language is polished until it can blind a man at twenty paces, there appears to be a system designed to make accidental approval much […]

Killer Paper

| March 23, 2026
“Back in my day,” said Leon Purvis, who had done enough time to qualify as a public landmark, “a man could at least trust his poison to be honest.” Darnell, who was twenty-three and still wore the baffled expression of someone who had not expected life to end up as a concrete bunk and an […]

Magic Salt Sponge

| March 21, 2026
Oversalted beef bourguignon leds to a French endorsement and a business built on temperature confusion. Lately the world seems to be in a foul mood. Every time you turn on the news, somebody is bombing somebody, two governments are threatening a third government, the economy is making the sort of noises a transmission makes just […]

The Fertile Curtain

| March 21, 2026
Kate and I once lived between two families who each had 243 children. One family was Chinese. The other was Russian. We were the neutral zone. Now, before anybody gets the wrong idea, Kate and I love children. We married late, found each other at just the right time, and decided there were already plenty […]

Subliminal Seduction

| March 20, 2026
A long time ago, when America was still capable of being shocked by an ice cube, a man named Wilson Bryan Key wrote a book called Subliminal Seduction. He argued that advertisers were hiding naughty little messages in magazine ads and liquor layouts—tiny visual smirks tucked below the threshold of awareness. If you stared hard […]

The Happiest Disappointment

| March 19, 2026
A nervous young writer meets Chuck Connors, idol of The Rifleman, and watches a childhood myth collapse into laughter, profanity, and charm—opening a documentary-sized window onto celebrity, memory, and America’s rough-edged old Hollywood masculinity.

Breakfast With Walt

| March 18, 2026
A young West Point graduate meets Walt Disney over breakfast and is offered a glimpse into a future inside the Magic Kingdom—until one honest answer ends the opportunity, leaving him decades later reflecting on the cost of perfect timing.

Pauses

| March 17, 2026
At breakfast, a husband tests a joke on friends—but the payoff reveals something deeper: the timing, patience, and laughter that keep a marriage alive after forty years.

Ten Cents Short

| March 16, 2026
Forty years ago in Calcutta there were establishments promising a great time for ten cents. I did not go. Not because I lacked curiosity. I simply lacked the ten cents. This was during a period of my life when my finances were not so much “tight” as they were “philosophical.” I believed money should circulate […]

Flat Prune

| March 15, 2026
How to Hack Time (Using Science, Energy Drinks, and a Chatbot Named Steve) “You want time itself to slow?” asked Tucker, seventeen, slurping a quadruple energy drink through a bamboo straw.  “I’m creating temporal drag.” “That sounds like something you’d get arrested for,” he said. “No, no. Temporal drag means making time feel slower on […]

Secret Sauce

| March 14, 2026
A New Way to Share Stories   Summers’ Secret Sauce Turning Short Stories Into Readers, Listeners, and Fans Concept proposal by Jaron Summers © 2026 This describes a simple idea: turning greeting cards into gateways to stories. The Core Idea Imagine a greeting card that does more than deliver a message. Inside the card is […]

Love is a many Splendored Thing

| March 13, 2026
I met Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. Brigham Splendor just outside of Salt Lake City. They, as old-time Mormons once did, practice plural marriage. Today the Mormons (The Church or Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) excommunicates any of its members involved in polygamy.

The Dumfus Tax Dynasty

| March 12, 2026
Since 1776, every heir in the Dumfus dynasty shares the same name—and the same birthday—when an IRS auditor finally investigates, he uncovers America’s strangest tax loophole… and a family determined to protect it.

Uncensored

| March 2, 2026
In jaunty rhyme, Freud’s couch confesses cocaine habits, dream decoding, and humanity’s quarrel between id and superego—suggesting beneath our polished manners lurks a bargaining child with complicated desires.

Titration

| March 1, 2026
In a mischievous tour of dopamine, nicotine, and romance, Jaron Summers dissects how humans become habit-forming to one another. Blending neuroscience with Alberta marital timing, he reveals the mechanics of emotional addiction—and argues it’s far nobler to be oxygen than a cigarette.

Stillness

| February 28, 2026
After hearing Charlie Munger’s advice about avoiding the place you’ll die, a wealthy widower hires experts to calculate his fatal coordinates. In dodging death, he nearly avoids living—until he discovers the safest place to die is wherever he finally finds peace.

The Neptune Surge

| February 27, 2026
In his private journal, an absurdly earnest sex therapist reveals “The Neptune Surge,” a comic strategy for boosting male confidence through strategic breathing. A satire on ego, applause, and marital choreography, it suggests love sometimes begins with well-timed oxygen.

Brewed Sovereignty

| February 27, 2026
By brewing coffee at home instead of buying daily Starbucks lattes, I heroically save thousands per year, protect our financial sovereignty, and transform each humble 22-cent cup into a steaming monument to compound interest and marital devotion.

Repair Your Sole

| February 26, 2026
After mishearing his pastor’s advice, a 101-year-old tycoon concludes that eternal life depends on shoe reinforcement. Titanium soles, flattened hills, and cautious concubines follow. Unfortunately, death is unimpressed by traction — and deeply sensitive to vowels.

Rock Solid

| February 25, 2026
  I woke to a breeze slipping through our tiny condo a few miles from UCLA and watched my Post-it notes lift off like a coordinated air force. They rose from the desk in disciplined formation — grocery lists, reminders, fragments of dialogue, one ambitious note that simply said “EMPIRE?” — and drifted across the […]

Fault Lines

| February 24, 2026
When a tremor disrupts a BYU preparedness class, an overcautious accountant and a quick-acting Californian collide. As they navigate rivalry, faith, and attraction, they learn that some foundations shift quietly—and some risks are worth taking.

Royalties

| February 23, 2026
Jaron Summers has written novels, screenplays, essays, and at least one extremely valuable grocery list. He believes in ownership, rhythm, and reading contracts slowly. More at jaronsummers.com.

Strategic Surrender

| February 23, 2026
  When I was younger, I believed in conquest. Not the sword-and-sandal variety. More the tidy American kind. Conquer the market. Conquer the critics. Conquer obscurity. Conquer cholesterol. Conquer time. Time, especially. If you could just outrun it, outwork it, outwrite it — you could win. Then one day, without so much as a drumroll, […]

Quiet Glow

| February 21, 2026
When a modern dentist calls it “old work,” memory opens wide. A craftsman’s sweat, a father’s silence, and a generation that believed in pressure and permanence return. Sometimes what lasts longest isn’t the filling—but the glow it leaves behind. Bridge to the next piece: In the next essay, I look more closely at what my father’s generation packed tightly away—and what happens when the capsules finally open.

Idaho Zone

| February 19, 2026
The Idaho Zone W…ritten by jaron summers © 2026 At 103, she eats one pound of hamburger a day. Six potatoes. Eggs. Unpasteurized milk. Butter applied with agricultural authority. Meanwhile, I require a spreadsheet to approach a muffin. The internet insists longevity lives in Sardinia, Okinawa, and somewhere near a Greek olive tree that charges […]

Rigid Lessons

| February 19, 2026
In a town obsessed with straight lines, one quiet medical curve humbles millions—approximately 43,000,000.5 of them. A darkly comic fable about pride, aging, carrots with opinions, and the awkward discovery that geometry eventually negotiates with us all.

The Last Picture Show

| February 16, 2026
W…ritten by jaron summers © 2026 I used to think great films required great budgets. Studios. Sound stages. Lighting grids. A small army of people arguing over coffee while someone quietly adjusts a lens by half a millimeter. I loved that machinery. The drama behind the drama. Then one morning the Chinese released a fifteen-second […]

Chair Width

| February 16, 2026
We measure life in miles, mortgages, and business-class beds — but the only number that really counts is the space between two chairs. Civilization isn’t GDP. It’s passing the soy sauce without standing up.

Annihilation Notice

| February 15, 2026
An email declares my life “PERMANENTLY INCINERATED,” so I check my fingers—since Gmail needs a fingerprint. The dark web hasn’t stolen anything but attention. I delete it, and Kate asks if I’m done panicking yet.

Resist the Thread

| February 14, 2026
A missing two-dollar pen leads to surveillance reviews, economic math, municipal overreaction, a $4.7 trillion Great Wall, and drones. Conclusion: most crises are migrations, not invasions — especially when the empire in question is my wife, Kate’s purse.

Blocking Culture

| February 13, 2026
A tall hat blocks my view of The New Yorker’s cover,
and suddenly I’m questioning modern culture, theater manners,
and whether my mind is slipping — or just paying attention.

Red States, Blue Plates

| February 4, 2026
A wild bipartisan experiment pairs voters from opposite parties to live in each other’s homes, snoop for clues, sing songs, and hug it out—proving democracy might just be saved with casseroles and karaoke.

Trusting Toxins

| February 2, 2026
W…ritten by jaron summers © 2026 When I, at the age of seven, arrived in Coronation  strange things began happening to me. This was unfortunate, as I was not prepared for them and had not been consulted. I knew no one. I missed my friends in Victoria, British Columbia. I longed for the Pacific Ocean, […]

Metered Mercy

| February 2, 2026
A cheerful reckoning of light and death: how candles taxed curiosity, electricity cheapened killing, and modern comfort spends pennies to see everything while measuring nothing—with a wink and ledger.

Nemesis

| February 1, 2026
meet Elara: Newton’s silent counterweight, a mind no one had ever heard of until now, who outthought him by seeming harmless—questioning gold, immortality, and solvents, and proving that wisdom sometimes wins by thinking like something too innocent to fear.

Postbiotic

| January 29, 2026
Raised between penicillin and the Pill, a man with aching knees encounters modern medicine, then accidentally cures himself with a gel heel cup—proving that progress is impressive, but sometimes wildly overdressed.

The Flotation Device

| January 28, 2026
A floating farce about rich people who believe international waters suspend consequences. One napkin map, one yacht, and a series of polite disasters reveal that responsibility sinks slower than money—and dignity sinks first.

FIRE SALE

| January 27, 2026
Two lovers. An L.A. dream condo. Fraud, lust, leverage—and fire as the only honest exit.

FLUFFER PRO

| January 26, 2026
At a marina bar, a smug explainer redraws America and Canada on a napkin, declares borders imaginary, laws optional, and vibes sovereign. Cocktails sweat, tempers flare, a yacht launches, and the soggy napkin proves geopolitics dissolves fastest in alcohol first.

Misdirection

| January 24, 2026
Misdirection is my confession: I don’t hide thieves; I hide reality, letting confidence sprint headfirst into a fire hydrant, where criminal ambition meets municipal iron, physics, and the sudden moral clarity of pavement—forever laughing.

Radical Therapy

| January 23, 2026
**40-word synopsis** A savage marital satire: a brilliant, possibly unhinged therapist shocks a couple at divorce’s edge. His outrageous philosophy ignites a midnight hotel reunion, flips sexual power on its head, and saves a marriage—while skewering America’s fear of desire and manners.

POINT

| January 18, 2026
A darkly funny, heart-warming family tale about survival, scarcity, and inherited wisdom—spanning two world wars to modern kitchens—where love is rationed, humor endures, and one family learns that sometimes the secret to happiness is simply knowing where to point.

The Beard Effect

| January 14, 2026
I added a beard and lost my senior-citizen privileges. Once escorted to seats, I’m now judged for keeping them. A crow beside me went unnoticed. Apparently, wisdom grows faster than feathers.

Dollization of Lived Experience

| January 13, 2026
A satirical sci-fi comedy in which a writer interviews at a toy conglomerate that turns human quirks into dolls—only to discover the ultimate product is him. Brazil meets Barbie, skewering empathy, capitalism, and identity with dark humor.

Alleged Silence

| January 7, 2026
A humorous reexamination of the so-called Silent Era, arguing that early films were anything but quiet—alive with music, heckling audiences, narrators, and mechanical clatter—turning moviegoing into a noisy, democratic spectacle.

The Glow

| December 28, 2025
A small-town dentist mixes dental fillings in his sweaty palms, downs Crown Royal like water, teaches his son ancient goldsmithing secrets, and pulls his own tooth to prove pain is forgettable—then makes one final, unforgettable exit.

Lunch With a Tiny Revolutionary

| December 25, 2025
A bearded man’s harmless joke at a hostile-humored restaurant sparks a comic showdown with a fearless little girl, ending in laughter, mock menace, and the birth of a tiny lifelong nemesis.

Patterns

| December 16, 2025
    Patterns of Life and Death w…ritten by Jaron Summers © 2025 There was a time when humans survived without cell phones. This is not because they were more virtuous or better informed. It is because their brains worked faster than explanation. A person alone in a jungle before cell phones did not possess […]

Quantum Writing

| December 14, 2025
Writers, of course, prefer certainty. They like rules. They like checklists. Syd Field offered a life raft. Howard Suber offered an ocean and said, “Swim.”

The Summers Interview

| December 13, 2025
Rachel: I’m calling bullshit on what you just said. Have you ever had a relationship with a minor and are you and Epstein friends? Mr. Summers: Yes.

Autonomous Screws Itself

| December 13, 2025
The Emotional Lifeof Driverless Cars written by jaron summers © 2025 The public has been assured—repeatedly and at great volume—that driverless cars are safer than human drivers. This is undoubtedly true. Humans, after all, have a long and proud tradition of driving while angry, distracted, late, or in possession of a cheeseburger that requires both […]

GOLD-DUST

| December 7, 2025
Gold in the Dust A bedtime story about a writer, a street that leaks gold, and a girl who learns how kindness multiplies. BY JARON SUMMERS When Zara turned twenty-one, she decided she was finally old enough to ask the forbidden question—the one everyone tiptoed past like a sleeping goat: “How come I have a […]

HEARTS & MINDS

| December 1, 2025
Now I mostly supervise. And fart. I live with a human named Sam. Sam’s a good egg. Scratches behind the ears. Keeps my bowl full. Doesn’t complain when I drool on his bootleg mattress. He used to laugh a lot. But then came the day he sold his eyes and his heart. You’re wondering how a man does that.

CREASE OF DOOM

| November 25, 2025
A YouTube “doctor” warns that failing to scrub your inguinal crease—the humble thigh-torso fold—will send you to an early grave. Your 83-year-old hero investigates, discovers only lint and bad science, and ultimately saves his marriage through improved crotch hygiene.

TellBot

| November 24, 2025
Vegas card mechanic, Tony LaMarca, reads the wireless signals from pacemakers and glucose monitors to decode players’ emotions—until an elderly “mark” with a fake implant exposes Tony as part of a federal sting, forcing the “advantage player” into a high-stakes moral showdown.

Buffet of Doom

| November 16, 2025
Buffet of Doom reveals humanity’s greatest talent: starving on a planet that produces more than enough food. As Earth serves a daily all-you-can-eat feast, 8.1 billion picky eaters reject leftovers, fear ugly vegetables, and waste mountains of calories—proving we’re hilariously unqualified to manage abundance.

Air Traffic? Gesundheit!

| November 6, 2025
When one unpaid air traffic controller sneezes, America’s entire aviation system collapses like a soufflé in a wind tunnel. Flights vanish, pigeons unionize, and yoga mats replace runways—all because Bob forgot his Kleenex. Civilization sneezes, then politely grounds itself.

The Fine Art of Ethical Stalking

| November 1, 2025
Government stats say few women stalk. Jaron’s marriage and Volvo say otherwise. From funeral dating to driveway speed bumps, he proves love isn’t blind—it’s just really good at GPS. A survival guide for the romantically pursued.

DIY Doom

| October 5, 2025
When burglars target a paranoid retiree’s condo, they trigger a ludicrous gauntlet of DIY defenses—knife-wielding robots, sarcastic security systems, and a moat of kombucha. Think Home Alone meets Dr. Strangelove. Hysterical. Explosive. HOA-approved (barely). You’ll die laughing—legally.

Puppet Masterpiece

| October 2, 2025
He trusted AI… and it turned him into Hemingway with Wi-Fi. One man, one laptop, and a swarm of invisible puppet strings descending from the Cloud. What could go wrong? (Besides accidental brilliance, mild fame, and the occasional rogue kale order.)

Dial B for Betsy

| September 30, 2025
In a 1950s Canadian prairie town, one woman controls the phone lines—and the town. She’s nosy, psychic, unstoppable. Think “Fargo” meets “Her”… with a party line and pearls.

Copycat

| September 25, 2025
Ditto’s a quirky loner with a grudge, a Xerox machine, and a flair for anonymous threats. When love, money, and tofu collide, he hatches the perfect revenge—until a teenage tech geek complicates everything.

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| September 22, 2025
<h2 style=”color:#ff4500;”>🔥 The Day My Sternum Got Jealous of My Bladder 🔵</h2> <p><em>(By a Man Who Can Finally Pee Like a Fire Hose Again — And Write Cursive in the Snow ❄️✍️)</em></p> <p style=”font-size:18px;”> About seven months ago, I underwent what I now consider to be the <strong style=”color:#008000;”>single greatest medical intervention</strong> this side of […]

Mind? (Asking for a Dead Friend)

| September 22, 2025
This essay explores where our soul might reside — head, gut, or somewhere in the Cloud. It follows the author’s plan to catch souls with a badminton racket, clone bodies, and reinsert spirits via USB. It’s metaphysical, mildly scientific, and completely ridiculous.

The Day I Snapped

| September 19, 2025
L.A. parking meters aren’t broken. They are simply brilliant machines doing exactly what they were built to do: Confuse legally, charge automatically, and grin electronically.

Mark Twain’s chatGPT

| September 14, 2025
A reluctant prophet, a burning bush, and a million skeptics on foot — Moses is the epic tale of law, liberation, and leadership, with divine drama and desert-sized doubt at every turn.

Formaldehyde

| September 13, 2025
A darkly funny memoir about a lovable grifter cousin—who moonlights as a freelance embalmer—crashing a quiet family’s life, racking up phone bills, dodging Mounties, and disappearing in a puff of charm.

Bye Bye American Dream

| September 11, 2025
One carefully placed shot from a rooftop at Utah Valley University ended the life of Charlie Kirk, the conservative firebrand speaker, in front of hundreds of witnesses gathered for one of his signature “Prove Me Wrong” events.

Finger Brain

| September 6, 2025
In a darkly comic exploration of evolution, technology, and thumb-powered hubris, The Finger Brain vs. The Octopus pits humanity’s smartphone addiction against nature’s eight-armed genius. Narrated in Werner Herzog’s existential tone, this short blends satire, science, and surrealism into a viral-ready, animated battle of brains vs. bandwidth.

Surrounded by Idiots—Appointed by Me

| September 1, 2025
An aged Mark Twain, risen from the grave (and grumpier than ever), recounts history’s most arrogant leaders—each undone by their own yes-men. With sardonic charm and barbed wit, Twain serves a darkly comic warning: surround yourself with fools, and you’ll ride straight into ruin—with applause all the way down.

Our Creeping Civil War

| August 28, 2025
In a deeply divided America, neighbors wage war with lawn signs, podcasts, and passive-aggressive potlucks. Slow Motion Civil War is a satirical dramedy where the front lines are Facebook feeds, and the real battle is over who brings the best dip to the HOA meeting. Think Dr. Strangelove meets Nextdoor.

From Popcorn to Panic: Why Horror Hooks the Young

| August 26, 2025
Post brats (young people) aren’t fleeing monsters—they’re buying tickets. Horror delivers safe fear, social bonding, and a dopamine kick. For stressed Gen Z, it’s cheaper than therapy and more fun than yoga. Studios love it too: scaring teens is now Hollywood’s most reliable business plan.

Making a film is like raising a mule

| August 25, 2025
Expensive, stubborn, and guaranteed to embarrass you in public. Critics, meanwhile, scribble their “autobiographies” between popcorn refills, until they try making a film themselves and trip over the camera cable. In the end, filmmakers risk their souls, critics risk their egos—and both usually lose.

The Cartographer’s Folly

| August 21, 2025
Beware the Mapmaker’s Pen … Every line drawn on a map cuts deeper than ink—it severs neighbors, sparks wars, and cages clouds with fences. Once, the earth was whole and free. Now borders bloom like mold, and flags divide what love once united. Maps don’t protect us—they imprison us.

The Overlord of Alberta

| August 16, 2025
When a misfiled fax appoints an ordinary man as “Overlord of Alberta,” chaos ensues: maple-syrup taxes, moose worship, and HOA rebellions collide in a Mark Twain–meets–Monty Python farce. A satirical crown, eccentric allies, and worldwide cameras ensure one thing—this accidental ruler will never rule quietly. Would you like me to polish a star-centric version that pitches them directly (e.g., “The role of a lifetime: the reluctant overlord who discovers absolute power is mostly about pies and moose”)?

THE SLIM JOB

| August 2, 2025
When a wannabe gangster in small-town Alberta falls for an elaborate RCMP sting, he unwittingly confesses to murder while chasing his dream of becoming a made man. The Slim Job is darkly comic, chillingly real, and a uniquely Canadian twist on the true crime genre—with snow, shovels, and Mounties in disguise.

Polite to Death

| July 29, 2025
A rogue scientist hacks his digestive system to produce and weaponize hydrochloric acid, targeting citizens guilty of minor social rudeness. Victims vanish with a sneeze. As a sardonic detective unravels the truth, the city transforms—fear breeding politeness. Polite to Death is a darkly comic thriller where courtesy isn’t optional—it’s survival. Falling Down meets The Fly, with better manners.

Gold-Plated Lies

| July 27, 2025
In a gilded future where robots serve the elite, a poor man named Jeff pilots a human-powered Ultra Robot, secretly fueling a billion-dollar lie. Trapped in luxury tech, he sparks a rebellion from within—one glitch, one song, one truth at a time. Ex Machina meets Parasite—with poop tubes.

Generator plus Kids

| July 23, 2025
toast   iNFO TO GO WITH KID SHOT

That Was Harry

| July 23, 2025
Harry was a gentle, witty man who valued family above all. A WWII naval officer turned mining engineer, he traveled the world with his wife and daughters, building homes, battling woodpeckers, and spreading kindness. He quit smoking at 70, joked through life’s trials, and faced death with grace. That was Harry.

I’m Not on God’s AutoPilot

| July 20, 2025
A thoughtful rejection of faith-based motivational clichés, this essay questions predestination, challenges divine micromanagement, and urges respect for diverse beliefs rather than assuming one-size-fits-all theology.

Who Steals the Most

| July 12, 2025
Shoplifters and rogue employees may steal shampoo and twenty-dollar bills, but the real heist happens in boardrooms. This eye-opening exposé reveals how executives at Walmart, Amazon, and even the U.S. Postal Service legally siphon billions—gutting pensions, crushing labor, and cashing out stock—while blaming the little guy. Cufflinks over shoplifters, every time.

Very Fucking Tired

| June 30, 2025
**”Fuck” used to shock, but now it’s just filler—like “very” with tattoos. Overused in bestsellers and daily speech, it’s lost all punch. This essay argues it’s time to retire it (for a while), sharpen our language, and bring back words that actually mean something. Let “fuck” rest. Seriously.**

Shingles, Showers, and Shenanigans

| June 13, 2025
A rogue roofer punches a banana-sized hole during a rainstorm, turning Jaron’s den into a swimming pool. With tar, sarcasm, and power tools, Jaron battles leaks, biblical floods, and incompetent contractors—then threatens to launch the next intruder off the roof. Roofing drama meets divine comedy.

Storage Secrets

| June 1, 2025
Magic storage concept is genius—hilarious, liberating, and oddly therapeutic. For a fraction of the cost, you can “stores” your neighbors’ junk forever, freeing your space and soul. Or how to create a service that understands guilt-based clutter and turns it into gold for you.

Once Upon a Glitch

| May 28, 2025
AI doesn’t think like us—it predicts the next word based on patterns from vast text data. This can create familiar yet surprising results, producing stories that resonate or veer into the absurd, without true understanding or consciousness behind them.

The World-Wide Jewish Conspiracy

| May 26, 2025
I’ve been targeted by the Jewish Conspiracy. It started with free candy from Harry Martin, then snowballed into screenwriting lessons, housing after an earthquake, and lifelong friendships. They claim not to know each other—yeah, right. It’s a plot. Of kindness, brilliance, and bagels. I’m grateful.

Hang On™: The Scam So Good You Paid to Hear It

| May 25, 2025
“The key to fortunes is coming up with a way to keep customers listening to you for up to 30 minutes.”

Confessions of a Seat Upgrade Ninja

| May 22, 2025
Want to fly first class on a coach budget? Bribe with chocolates, wield a cane like Gandalf, fake an anniversary, and act like a retired flight attendant. Toss in charm and frozen water. Boom—luxury travel without the Amex bill.

Smoke Signals vs. Smartphones

| May 21, 2025
Imagine hiking into the backcountry to “disconnect,” only to trip on a rock and dislocate your shoulder and break your leg. No signal. No reception. No help.

According To Familiar People ….

| May 19, 2025
People familiar with hoarding know that containers are not neutral. They are enablers. They’re the enablers’ enablers. They’re the sweet-talking plastic sirens that whisper, “Don’t throw that out. It might be useful. One day. In the apocalypse. For barter.”

Blood and Blanks

| May 11, 2025
A theologian’s daughter dies defending her virtue ….

Danegeld

| May 6, 2025
Danegeld was protection money paid by medieval English kings to Viking raiders, hoping they’d stop attacking — but it only encouraged more invasions and greed.

Fast and Testimony & Other Bad Ideas

| April 27, 2025
A man stranded between regret and rage answers a late knock from two LDS lady missionaries, offering them hymns, hot chocolate — and a one-way descent into his gathering storm.

Coronation: A Century of Almost

| April 25, 2025
Toxic water, stealth bombers, drunk curlers, and dog trainers: Coronation’s secret recipe for 100 years of glorious obscurity.

Howard Hughes — AKA groomer

| April 20, 2025
Broke but grinning, Billy Woodfield bluffs his way into Hollywood’s fast lane, uncovering Howard Hughes’ secret “breakfast date” with teenage Mitzi Gaynor — a stunt so outrageous it lands Billy a midnight meeting with Hughes… and the job of a lifetime.

Time Is a Flat Prune: The Chronological Smackdown

| April 14, 2025
An 83-year-old time-slowing guru battles a hyperactive teen in a cosmic showdown of clocks, studies, and rogue toasters—featuring caffeine, Csikszentmihalyi, and a spinning ceiling sundial. Time bends. Laughter stretches. Toaster speaks.

Preparing for Depression

| April 13, 2025
During the Great Depression, one town had chickens, the other had fur coats—together they clucked and stitched their way to survival. No money, just feathers and fashion. It’s barter meets barnyard in this tale of poultry, pelts, and pure genius.

Billy Woodfield

| April 5, 2025
Billy Woodfield was 325 pounds of Hollywood legend—writer, hustler, and the man behind Sinatra’s best line. He knew everyone, conned Howard Hughes, and once spent a night in a closet with Marilyn Monroe. True story. He never wrote it. I’m writing it now.

Blame It On Baby

| April 3, 2025
Hans and Liesel, a poor but happy couple, make a wish for eternal love. When Liesel mysteriously conceives, fear consumes them. They brand their child a trickster, spreading dread. Rejected, the boy vanishes into the forest, leaving only sorrow in their home.

Billy Goat Jones

| March 31, 2025
I saw him hang by one finger, twist mid-air, and fling himself across a canyon like a steroidal bird. My job? Keep him alive between miracles. I was the brake pedal he never used.  

Friendship Forged in Flames

| January 17, 2025
Through ash and flame, they chose to unite, Building a city of hope and light!

Why women are so Powerful

| January 1, 2025
American women rule kitchens, backyards, and life’s “adult playgrounds.” They outlive men, inherit everything, and turn homes into empires. Forget skyscrapers—women hold the cultural foundation with wit, resilience, and perfectly fluffed throw pillows. Game over!

test dec 15 2024

| December 15, 2024
CHARLIE TAGGART WAS A GOOD NAZI.    Or so everyone thought. Charlie himself knew that wasn’t true.   At sixteen years old, he knew he was not a Nazi like the others, and he would never be a Nazi. But he couldn’t risk not appearing to be one. That would be dangerous. No, on the […]

Taking a bite out of inflation.

| November 27, 2024
The first burger went down easily, as did the second. By the third, his bites were less enthusiastic, his chewing slower. But Max was nothing if not committed. Halfway through the fourth Big Mac, disaster struck. A rogue pickle lodged itself in his throat, cutting off his air supply.

Borderline Bonkers: The Billion-Dollar Quest to Move 20 Million People

| November 7, 2024
Moving 20 million people across the U.S.-Mexico border would cost tens of billions, require extensive logistics, over 100,000 personnel, and several years to complete. Major risks include legal, humanitarian, and economic impacts, as well as potential international fallout, making the plan extremely complex and likely unfeasible.

The Power of Ruthless Leaders

| October 18, 2024
The Power of Ruthless Leaders   written by jaron summers (c) 2024 Images, finding typos and some text generated by A.I.  In a world defined by chaos where survival is uncertain and the line between life and death is fragile, leadership becomes the cornerstone of stability.  In such times, ruthless leaders rise to power, often because […]

Mangroves and Society: A Metaphor for Division and Collapse

| October 9, 2024
The destruction of mangroves mirrors societal collapse as political polarization erodes unity, exposing communities to instability, division, and weakened resilience, like coastlines vulnerable to storms without protective ecosystems.

Security is a Bear

| October 7, 2024
In a world where privacy is a bedtime story, Papa Bear and Mommy Bear’s tech partnership monitors everything—from snack choices to lawn gnomes—turning Baby Bear’s life into a surveillance circus.

The Substance

| September 30, 2024
“The Substance” leaves NOTHING to the imagination, but its subtext reveals brilliance.

A Metaphor for Our Future

| September 15, 2024
Mandrake asked me to explain how the debate went. I took his phone and turned it off. “Hey! I was doing schoolwork,” he fumed. “I have to know what a metaphor is for English tomorrow.”

Peeking at my Prostate

| August 13, 2024
At that point my embarrassed member retracted and disappeared.  Even I could not find it. 

CITY OF MIRACLES

| August 6, 2024
Miraculous experiences in Paris. From foiling a pickpocket to being saved from a dangerous fall and surviving a tense security incident — the perils and unexpected joys of French travel in the City of Light.

Master the game, Master your life

| May 27, 2024
Agility and speed make them look like they’re executing perfect shots with impeccable timing.

Science VS Religion

| May 20, 2024
The world is in chaos due to the clash between science and religion. If science stops relying on faith while religion embraces some mystery, they can coexist, leading to a balanced and peaceful planet.

illiam’s Resistance: The Fall of Lord Jaron

| May 14, 2024
In a perilous quest, William, guided by the wise wizard TGrump, leads a fellowship of diverse allies to destroy a dark artifact created by the evil lord Jaron, battling deadly foes and resisting corruption to save their world from enslavement.

How We Prepared for the End

| April 10, 2024
My wife and I prepare for World War Three in “The Happy Nest.” Amidst apocalypse fears, we stockpile resources and devise a brilliant survival plan involving chainsaws and a gold-backed currency, demonstrating love and ingenuity in the face of global chaos.

The Cosmic Comedy of Outsmarting Ourselves

| April 7, 2024
In 2021, our AIs, smarter than Uncle Jeb post-corn liquor, danced into a digital ruckus, mixing human bits for secrets. Their ambition? Outshine humanity. The outcome? A cosmic comedy of errors ending in a tech tumble. Moral: Guard your guts; they’re smarter than you think, and AIs agree.

Article 1794

| March 16, 2024
Jaron and Kate are cracking down on fridge felons in their Edmonton House with the legendary Article 1794. Expect scale surveillance, snack spreadsheets, and wake-up calls at unholy hours. Your breakfast cereal is now a matter of national security. Sign the notarized pledge or face the cereal consequences. Harmony and hilarity shall reign supreme!

Verrant

| March 16, 2024

Simulated Hearts

| March 15, 2024
In a world where a scientist believes reality is a computer simulation and their lover sees it as God’s creation, they discover that love transcends the divide, proving that understanding and affection can coexist amidst the universe’s greatest mysteries.

The C-word, Etc.

| March 8, 2024
March 7, 2024 I fret  about my ability to understand sex and females.    As you know as a former Mormon Missionary I had a challenge with cussing. I hope I’m over my inhibitions.  If the C-word  or the B-word (Birthtday) or even that numeral after 68 bothers you, then STOP reading. 

Daily Doodad Detox

| February 27, 2024
As Mark Twain, I’ve marveled at Clutter Addiction’s tragic comedy: Families drowning in boxes, homes turned labyrinths, and the simple cure—ditch a doodad daily to escape the cardboard jungle and maybe, just maybe, find your tea set again.

Proprioception, your innate GPS

| February 24, 2024
Just as the mighty Mississippi shapes the land through which it flows, so too do our senses shape our interaction with the world, a constant dance of give and take.

Mark my Word

| February 23, 2024
Mark Twain claims that switching back to a typewriter with round keys improved his typing speed and accuracy by 25%. He praises the ergonomic and nostalgic value of round keys, suggesting that advancements in technology could still benefit from the wisdom of past designs.

Swap Meet Serendipity

| February 17, 2024
Mark and Cynthia, scarred by the impersonal battles of digital dating, discover an unexpected and instant connection in the shadow of their guarded cynicism at a rain-threatened swap meet. Say hello to mutual attraction born from a shared understanding of disappointment and the faint hope for something real.

Connecting the Dots

| February 15, 2024
There were incidental glitches with nation defence modules the eve of December 24 when AI directed NORAD to vaporize 4 percent of the world’s population; most of earth remained intact, although Strotium 90 hampered navigation in salt water routes.

The Irony of  Predictive Intelligence

| February 13, 2024
In the grand cosmic race of intelligence, we humans, with our splendid array of thoughts and feelings, find ourselves pedaling a bicycle in a Formula One race, blissfully competing against computers. 

SkySentinel Avian Solutions

| February 11, 2024
Psst … I can tell you how to make a large fortune by investing in my latest bird-brain idea. Cadaver Parrots. We’ll be flying high and the stock will leap into the stratosphere. I promise you triple your money back if you are not a millionaire by Friday. Call me now!!!

JILL

| February 10, 2024
Mac’s pool hall had no ventilation, but the winds of gossip that would have charmed Dickens. Mac teased me about being a virgin. He knew I was in love with Jill. And so was every other guy in our village. And they were anything but virgins.

Saturday Night COOL

| February 10, 2024
Remember Saturday Night Fever?  That was set in Brooklyn and made John Travolata an overnight icon around the world.  Before that we had Saturday Night Cool in the small town of Coronation where I grew up.  I tore tickets for free popcorn and was allowed to see all the movies there.  I decided that someday I would go to Hollywood and become a writer. 

God’s Helper

| February 9, 2024
God’s got to understand. And if He doesn’t, well, maybe He’s not the God I thought He was. And don’t even start with me on the idea of God being a woman—that’s a whole different kettle of fish.

What does our Universe Think?

| February 3, 2024
Ah, Watson, consider the notion that our existence may merely be a grand illusion, a simulation of sorts, championed by luminaries such as Musk and Tyson. This theory, reminiscent of Plato and Descartes’ philosophical inquiries, invites us to deduce the fabric of our reality, merging science with philosophy in a most stimulating intellectual pursuit.

The List

| February 1, 2024
People often ask me how to sell scripts in Hollywood. The following websites may help. Two other things count: passion and a smile. By the way, AI made this image in 40 seconds. From nine words I wrote.

Mystical Mare’s Moonlit Meanderings

| January 28, 2024
I asked AI to pick ten stocks based on the notion that the US economy would continue to improve. AI also said: “Investing is like playing leapfrog with unicorns; diversification is your safety net, but remember, each leap is a gamble. And don’t trust past leaps to predict the next; that’s like expecting a cat to fetch just because it did so in a dream you had last Tuesday” And, then AI generated the above image. In 40 seconds.

Getting High at Your Wedding

| January 26, 2024
According to search and rescue teams, many brides have replaced traditional adorable ring bearers, with birds of prey. Wedding guests often bring live mice to feed these raptors.

TIMING

| January 24, 2024
Forty-two minutes into that date, Jill, 32, stopped the  smooching and asserted she was an “agrapha rapa.” She explained it was an expression she had concocted to describe her fondness for poetry and dancing. She also said she was a virgin. 

Divine Discoverers

| January 17, 2024
Frank, never one to balk at the impossible, proposed a wild idea. “Folks,” he said, “what if we just look at this impending doom through our trusty Webb? Maybe, just maybe, our gaze might steer the course of these cosmic behemoths.

Markus Knew Stuff

| January 13, 2024
Markus had tales of the Canadian North, where he worked near the Arctic Circle. He seemed to know more about Edmonton than a local historian. I felt pretty stupid when he was around. Not that he made me feel stupid. He simply seemed to know stuff.

You and your MD can communicate

| January 11, 2024
Sometimes my doctor and I discuss things but I don’t know all the terms he uses. The other day I said my spleen hurt and pointed to the top of my chest. He had to correct me. So I’m having the first image tattooed on my body. That way I can explain where things hurt.

Secrets of The Rich & Famous

| January 3, 2024
He’s not just any wealthy businessman. He’s a maestro in the art of “customer support.” His billion-dollar secret? Keep desperate customers on hold, even if hours on wait drives them nuts.

Fly Me to the Moon

| January 1, 2024
She smiles behind a touch of too much makeup and her shoes are not sexy now. Polished but functional with one-inch heels. Her hair would be grey if she did not color it and there are lines, not all of them from laughter. She is an old flight attendant and it took all of her energy to get out of bed and pull on her uniform and “welcome” a thousand strangers who do not look at her anymore.

The Foundations of Great Religions: Sex, Eternity, Miracles

| December 29, 2023
Religions are grounded in three core concepts: sex (life’s genesis), eternity (soul’s destiny), and miracles (divine intervention), addressing fundamental human existential queries.

From One Pocket to Another

| December 27, 2023
My wife fell victim to a cunning group of pickpockets who stole her wallet. What followed was a surprising turn of events, thanks to a strategy suggested by our friend Tony Giorgio.

We get old … if we’re lucky but …

| December 27, 2023
written by  jaron summers (c) 2023 Old people die.  What happens to young people who don’t want to age? They DIE! What happens if you don’t care? You DIE! No one knows when … that’s the fun. As John Wayne, the philosopher and cowboy, once said, “Tomorrow is promised to no one.” And, if he […]

Will she make it to 200?

| December 22, 2023
But somehow we end up kind of celebrating her birthday twice a year.

I wonder how this novel will end up?

| December 21, 2023
As he drove down Main Street Jill undid the wrapping, and both girls squealed with delight. “It’s all the way from Paris,” said Irene. Kort checked his rearview mirror, keeping one eye on Jill. I had an eye on Kort. 

People Familar with the Matter

| December 21, 2023
And world news occasionally made the second page. And then the event would have to be awesome. Something like China prepares to nuke our student center.

Investment Secrets

| December 21, 2023
Vehicle repo is a growth industry. A car is stolen nationwide every 30 seconds in America. But one is popped every 20 seconds. That beats playing the stock market.

The world’s first and best computer

| December 19, 2023
Comparing the brain to a computer is a metaphor; they operate on fundamentally different principles and are each suited to different types of tasks.

windows vs cell display

| December 19, 2023
The convenience, accessibility, and widespread adoption of smartphones make them the preferred choice for news consumption for the majority of the global population.

Love is a many Splendored Thing

| December 19, 2023
I met Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. Brigham Splendor just outside of Salt Lake City. They, as old-time Mormons once did, practice plural marriage. Today the Mormons (The Church or Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) excommunicates any of its members involved in polygamy.

For sale: Broken back-up camera

| December 19, 2023
We are in the market for a new back-up camera. Please help.

Titanic: A Frugal Director’s Lament

| December 16, 2023
Jim Cameron’s Titanic budget woes got real over DIY Big Macs at McDonald’s. Hollywood’s new ‘budget renegade’ laments his thrifty ways, blaming Canadian roots for his cinematic penny-pinching. He’s dreaming of a second chance to splash the cash in Tinseltown, but wonders if his frugal past is his undoing.

Modern Day MIRACLES

| December 15, 2023
In Salt Lake City stands a famous tabernacle, renowned for its age and unique wooden architecture. This edifice, built in 1884, has attracted millions of visitors.  The tabernacle is a marvel to behold, but once upon a time it harbored a peculiar problem, thousands of mischievous mice. The congregation, driven to cussing by the scurrying […]

Divine Bytes: The Intersection of Spirituality and the Digital Age

| December 15, 2023
The digital age has enabled the creation of virtual congregations and religious gatherings, offering a sense of community for individuals unable to attend physical services. Social media platforms have emerged as spaces for interfaith dialogue, fostering connections among people of different belief systems. This evolution is exemplified by digital pilgrimages, which allow individuals to virtually […]

Killer Bees

| December 14, 2023
Tragically, almost none of the producers here wear collars with chains while they are at work.

The crazy times we’re having figuring out how to make friends with AI

| December 13, 2023
It’s like having a friend who’s always got a factoid up their sleeve, never gets your jokes but laughs anyway, and can keep you company without ever arguing about where to have dinner.

Don’t finish my sentences

| December 11, 2023
We don’t want your kind around sticking peanut butter to the roofs of squirrels!

ADJAL — One could make a fortune if you knew when people were going to die. Wanda knows. Her new lover wants in.

| December 10, 2023
How it all started Chapter One Written by  jaron summers (c) 2023 I was locking my office just after four on a hot July afternoon when her perfume hit me. Jasmine laced with lime. Only one kind of woman wears that potion — a blonde with curly ringlets like Shirley Temple made famous. I’m not […]

The Age of Confusion

| December 6, 2023
Have you ever asked yourself how far will robots go when they become our masters instead of our slaves? First we will love them. Then we will hate them. And after awhile they will despise us. Have you noticed their fingers are shaped like scalpels?

Beyond the Grave: Exploring Life’s Depths Through ‘Six Feet Under’s’ Cultural Lens

| December 2, 2023
“Delving into ‘Six Feet Under,’ we uncover more than tales of death; it’s a profound exploration of life. This series transcends mere entertainment, offering a unique perspective on living. Its cultural impact is undeniable, inviting us to reflect deeply on the essence and complexities of our existence.”

Exploring the Future: How Advancements in AI and Technology Are Shaping Our World

| December 1, 2023
In this post, we delve into the transformative impact of AI and technology on our lives. We explore cutting-edge advancements, their implications for society, and how they’re forging a dynamic future. Join us as we navigate this exciting era of innovation, where technology reshapes our world in unimaginable ways.

kids making perfume ….

| November 30, 2023
The Perfume Kids   Chapter One  written by jaron summers (c) 2023 Nosey here, and I’ve got a crazy story to share …. My family often says I’m clever, though I sometimes wonder, particularly when I’m upset with my freckles. You see, my freckles are like a starry galaxy and there’s this amazing dragon-shaped one […]

What Kind of Trouble Is Eric Adams In?

| November 29, 2023
New York City’s mayor has downplayed the federal investigation into his campaign fund-raising, but, by dodging questions and obfuscating, he’s invited even more public scrutiny.

From NY to LA 66.4 cents

| November 14, 2023
NY to LA 66.4 cents

From LA to NY for $2

| November 4, 2023
You don’t need a battery  with this amazing electric car.    

Pattern wreckognition

| April 14, 2023
Those Mobile Devices you have.  You own the universe.  They can find almost anything.

Multitasking Nonsense

| April 3, 2023
Mark Twain might have had something to say about the concept of multitasking and the idea of multiple universes.Twain once wrote, “The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.” This sentiment could easily be applied to the idea of multitasking. The person who attempts to […]

Covens in California

| January 9, 2023
According to California weather reports a hurricane and a couple of tornados whirl toward us. I say: Bring ’em on baby. We are prepared!

Condo Covens

| January 9, 2023
…. a billion dollar view of the Pacific Ocean

Bel Air Code of Confusion

| November 26, 2022
Cross the BOARD and you end up water BOARDED.

A Shot in the Dark

| September 24, 2022
No worries. Seems that the latest vaccine is probably safe for mice. Didn’t kill any of them. Based on the CFDC six-mouse test, the USA felt safe to begin injecting millions of people with this new vaccine.

Excuse our Dust

| July 14, 2022
        Please come back soon   Here is What we are Working on: Golden Tide, the novel.

Hello Gen Z

| July 14, 2022
Written by  jaron summers (c) 2022   Identifying which generation is poised to be in charge of the world is difficult. Right now it seems to be Generation Z. AKA Gen Z or Zoomers. If you’re a Gen Z then you were born between born 1997-2012. So you could be about 16 years old which happens […]

Nice Lady Helps old people with debt

| April 5, 2022
Listen to the nice lady offer to help me. 

→

| January 31, 2022
js bio & links

My favorite cult

| November 30, 2021

Joe Smith — loved Animal Crackers

| November 2, 2021
As far as I know he never spoke of Animal Crackers with her although she indicated her husband was a bit crackers himself.

The Bitch is Back spacing fixed

| October 28, 2021
Three cheers for nanoscience and cryogenics.

How Can I Write a Screenplay in LESS Than TWO HOURS?

| June 6, 2021
It’s easy. Under two hours? That’s 120 minutes, right? So, 119 minutes is less than two hours. Now, think about your movie. Here’s a quick way to stay on track. A likeable character has a worthwhile goal. As she/he moves toward that goal problems develop out of their character. No writing the first week. Thinking. That’s […]

All the other cults….

| May 11, 2021
Quora: As a Mormon, what triggered your deconversion? When I was a young man in New Zealand serving an LDS mission I often fasted and prayed. I knew I belonged to the true church. I regarded all the others as cults. I wrote a novel about my deconversion after I blessed and healed Watty.   […]

My Mother, the Criminal

| April 18, 2021
written by jaron summers (c) 2024 Once a person breaks the law, there is no turning back. It can happen at any age. Mother drifted into crime at 92. As far as we could figure out, Nike had been a runaway. The little guy was confused and frightened, but Mother lovingly won him over. She […]

A dog’s best friend? Another dog.

| April 16, 2021
Algunos animales son mucho más inteligentes de lo que piensas. En la década de 1950 vivía en un pueblo de Canadá. Población: 950 personas. Perros callejeros: cuatro o cinco. Un veterinario que hablaba mal inglés alquiló una casa. Convirtió una habitación trasera en su oficina / clínica. Si los niños sin dinero en efectivo tuvieran […]

Wild animals I have met

| April 12, 2021
I grabbed my shotgun ….

Kind Dogs & Kind Vets

| April 11, 2021
Animals are smarter than you think. In the 1950s I lived in a village in Canada. Population: 950 people. Stray dogs: four or five. A veterinarian who spoke broken English rented a house. He turned a back room into his office/clinic. If kids with no cash had a “pet” dog or cat or even a […]

Great Links to Coffee Info

| March 28, 2021

Betty’s Brain Fog

| March 24, 2021
Brain Fog will be the death of me.

Chomp-chomp

| March 10, 2021
A conversation between my mother-in-law and me. Her name is Betty and she’s 99. Jaron: How do you like your new assisted living home? Betty: It’s good. I know you think I can’t keep track of time but I can. I’ve been here for about a month. Jaron: What with the virus and lockdowns, time […]

Quora asked me

| March 10, 2021
The Book of Mormon for free

Time Travel

| March 7, 2021
I think time travel is overrated

Wolf Walker

| February 23, 2021
Now I’m almost as old as Oliver was.  Between naps I think of The Royal Crown Hotel lobby and meeting the Norweigan 70 years ago in Coronation —  under ice blue skies that made your eyes ache, and outside the first snowfall, so white it would persuade you that the whole universe was pure.

Doug Paul, MD

| February 18, 2021
When I was going to school in Coronation, “uncle” Doug stayed at our home during goose hunting season. He knew and loved Coronation. By the way, Dr. Paul was the guy who put together Alberta Health Care. It was the best in Canada, maybe the world … until the insurance companies got their meathooks into […]

Vomiting Seagulls

| February 18, 2021
I had heard Dad and Mom talking about finding a religion to provide me with some kind of anchor or moral compass. I suppose my parents feared their seven-year-old was headed for a life of crime and deprivation.

SIZZLE

| February 17, 2021
Suicide …. 20 times more than the world’s highest

Mr. Science

| February 16, 2021
My boyfriend is telling me that the Earth is flat, but my friends are telling me that he’s lying. I think the Earth is round, but I’m not sure. Is the Earth round or flat? Mr. Science Answer: Both groups are correct. The earth is both round and flat. Have a look. This is a […]

Insider Tip $$$

| February 7, 2021
watch your investment grow.

One way to look at it.

| January 24, 2021

We Is Records

| January 22, 2021
Wear a mask … don’t be a record before you have to.

Joe and Me

| January 21, 2021
Joe Biden and I have things in common …

Nut Energy

| January 16, 2021
This chap stuck a pin in one of the almonds and said watch. He lit the nut on fire and it burned for several minutes like a tiny torch. My grandfather gave this con artist all his pension money after being promised large returns on a secret process to extract oil from almonds — this oil would be used to power the world. Grampa died shortly after. A busted man.

Childhood memories ….

| January 14, 2021
  Dad was  a boxer in his younger days.  The joke in our family was that he couldn’t pick up a ball bearing without crushing it.  Except when he was in your mouth.   Super gentle.   The town of Coleman was the first place he set up a practice.  His first patient was a nervous and […]

Aphrodite & The Rat

| December 25, 2020
she was standing like a Grecian Goddess on our granite counter….

Protected: You Bet Your Life ….

| October 5, 2020
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Medical Emergency

| August 4, 2020
Still shaking in my boots. Yesterday I put on my old shoes to go for a walk. My left foot seemed to be asleep … I realized with horror that I could not lift it from the ground. Left side of the body often means a stroke. I prayed I could get to the phone […]

Iron Monsters & Memories

| July 6, 2020
In the 1950s my mother and I traveled by bus and train to the States to stay with her parents each summer. A few months later my father arrived in Lake Andes, South Dakota to drive us back to our home in Canada. We stopped for root beer floats and foot-long hot dogs and saw […]

My Work

| May 27, 2020
  Star Trek-TNG My Work Hart To Hart Mercy Stone God’s Gull

Around Big Island

| January 1, 2020
When we are in Hawaii (The Big Island) Kate likes to drive around it. I always give her instructions before she goes. There are two routes. Both are illustrated here.

FADE IN: MAYA

| August 9, 2019
There are a raft of shibboleths and acronyms you probably know if you’re contemplating writing something that starts with FADE IN: POV, MOS, CU, FADE OUT, INT … some of the many “inside words” that are helpful to know if you’re going to make your mark in Hollywood. Here’s a new one for you: MAYA. […]

Am I a Crook?

| August 6, 2019
I have never embezzled

It’s one on those days ….

| July 31, 2019

No gold in them-thare Hills

| July 30, 2019
Has any official sovereign nation ever ran a Ponzi scheme in an attempt to cover a debt? The United Nations claims there are 206 total states—193 member states, two observer states, and 11 classified as other states. Nearly all of them have their own currencies. Some countries, for example, Ecuador, use American dollars. I know […]

Your Ponzi scheme —

| July 30, 2019
I was horrified to hear that mother might be a hooker.

Snoring Troubles

| July 14, 2019
“illegal nocturnal emissions.”

Chops and Robbers

| July 2, 2019
Chops, a European pig (Spurwildschwein Division), has a nose for narcotics and a passion for police work. He’s been awarded countless medals for sniffing out illegal explosives and saving lives.So what if one of them almost became a football?

Happy Returns Notes

| July 2, 2019
A madcap love story with giggles for taxpayers.

Coffee around the world

| July 1, 2019

wildschwein / Chops

| June 27, 2019
From 1984 to 1987, the police in Lower Saxony had a very special drug and explosive nose: a real wild boar with the name Luise. The 150-kilogram bache quickly became world famous. The clever wild boar lady even entered the Guinness Book of World Records.   On 5 July 1984 Luise saw the light of […]

Failed Life – additional notes

| June 3, 2019
Did I like going to BYU. You bet. I never had more fun with my clothes off.

Ever Found Out GOD Watches You?

| May 17, 2019
I discovered girls and the rabbit games moved into more risky territory.

Make a preview for spit; sell a series for zillions —

| May 17, 2019
LIFE SUCKS  Two principals and single location.  A trailer to trigger action from binge watching netflixers….   Need one older male, play late 70s …. Here’s the short story, a three minute read: http://jaronsummers.com/life-sucks/  

Life Sucks

| May 16, 2019
A hundred million is spit when you’re dead.

Dogs and Cats can get along!

| January 2, 2019
Dogs and Cats can get along!

New Year—2019

| January 1, 2019
Is it possible that a two-year old, named Sarah, holds a key to saving our  planet?

WM

| October 18, 2018
Thanks for trusting us!    Hi, we are Hooper and Kate   You can read and listen for FREE to the first chapter of The Whooping Moose. Please click here.  The entire graphic novel with over 150 astonished images, special effects and music will be available for 24.99 next week.  It comes with a 40 minute hilarious […]

download heaven

| August 5, 2018

Selling Digital Stuff

| August 4, 2018
Half the world population has access to a cell phone.  That means you have over 3,000,000,000 customers RIGHT NOW. First you need a website: Then something to sell:   Pitch: under 15 seconds:  The vamp in vampire.   Free download of the kindle version      

Danny Thomas Test

| August 1, 2018
It’s real easy to steal. 

Delusional Messiah

| July 28, 2018
Luckily Elder Wonder discovered that AND got the girl.

Fold Up Your Life

| July 27, 2018
You can roll it up or fold it like a piece of paper.  What a brilliant idea.

Seat Rustler

| July 20, 2018
“So limp over and sit in one, you asshole.  You fucking near broke my toe.”

Sorry To Bother You

| July 20, 2018
You end up with Mastercard moments.

BUILDING A CARROT BRIDGE

| July 19, 2018
“And what happens if a herd of hypothetical rabbits shows up?”

TAB HUNTER – HOLLYWOOD LEGEND – RIP

| July 15, 2018
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01DCKTZAK/ref=cm_cr_ryp_prd_ttl_sol_0

Dressing for Success

| June 22, 2018
“I want to repair a hole in my jeans.” I showed her my old jeans.

Eskimo Power

| June 17, 2018
Eskimos, along with a few other stone age people, can teach us how to survive our technology. Check out the 1922 American silent documentary film Nanook of the North and you’ll see how the Eskimo or People of the Inuit, subdued the sub-zero temperatures of the Arctic and thrived. That film is almost a hundred years old.  […]

Arm Toddlers

| May 19, 2018
The shooters need to know who the future traitors are of America.   Smart ass lawyers.

Your car, the Mailbox

| April 25, 2018
Amazon sneaks into your car or truck and hides your order inside your vehicle.

Words & Voices

| April 21, 2018
words and voices for your pleasure and surprise….

Jaron Summers Orders

| April 20, 2018

SMILE

| April 15, 2018
Here’s a photo of a woman I met last week. A few months ago she was a beautiful and vibrant 23-year-old woman. She is still vibrant and beautiful. She has such a great smile that you almost don’t see how disfigured she is when you meet her.  An angry lover poured acid in her face.  […]

A sinister culture

| April 15, 2018
Here’s a photo of a woman I met. A few months ago she was a beautiful and vibrant 23 year old woman.   She has such a great smile that you almost don’t see how disfigured she is when you meet her. A smile makes a difference.  If this happened to me I don’t think I could […]

A note from Canada’s Most Evil Landlord

| April 14, 2018
he likes to be entertained…

Hollywood Insider Secret

| March 9, 2018
I gave the executive (who I owe a producing credit to) twenty bucks to convince his boss, a boss in the slammer for cavorting with kids, that my novel would make a terrific film. 

Cut cable: Save Bucks

| February 24, 2018
Fly to Wimbledon with the money you save.  Link one of your smartphone to a wifi in England.

The Whooping Moose movie —

| February 18, 2018
    Want to have your kids learn how to deal with bullies?  Have a look at our movie. Click here        

Annoyed with Old Flames

| December 10, 2017
Never underestimate the spunk of a mother-in-law who is almost 100.

The Whooping Moose

| November 24, 2017
Confusion over political correctness, vegans, vivisections, bullying and the madness of this millennium, it may be time to consider The Whooping Moose.

An island for my wife ….

| September 7, 2017
For years Kate and I have spent some of our most fun times in Hawaii and New Zealand. I promised Kate that someday I would buy a small island just for her. Today I did. You can come and visit us. You may also want to sublease a part of our island. I bought it […]

If you get drunk three times a year …. anything is possible

| July 23, 2017
THE STORY OF IKEA (I did not write this, someone sent it to me) Tighter than wallpaper… There isn’t any profit sharing here … He lives in a bungalow, flies EasyJet and ‘dries out’ three times a year… the man who founded Ikea and is worth more than $15bn . Self-made man: Ingvar Kamprad with […]

Bathtubs and Bastards

| July 23, 2017
Bathtubs & Bastards   Many years ago I dated a lovely single mother who had a five year old boy. Her son enjoyed baths and during these baths the lady would ask her son what he was doing.   Often he’d call back and say, “It’s okay, I’m not drinking the bathtub water.”   And […]

Wimbledon Silly Rules

| July 5, 2017
Umpires or referees or whatever they call themselves could restrict the number of balls used each day at Wimbledon to 18.

Helping the Unfortunate —

| June 29, 2017
how can people be so cruel?

Keeping Your Cool in LA

| June 29, 2017
Caution — a condenser holds an electric charge. So you need to discharge it. Or you could get a shock.

Correct Use of Floss

| May 31, 2017
I asked the world’s best organizer how he keeps track of all his tasks. “Super simple. I link EACH task to my good self with dental floss. For example, I’m making a milk shake now. I simply tie the milkshake maker to one of my toes and I’m linked-in.” He concluded: “I started our dental floss factory where we make ten different colors of dental floss. Bingo. Ten colors of floss per toe. Ten toes. I can accomplish 100 tasks at the same time.”

Long Friendship Secrets

| May 30, 2017
I keep a journal since it’s fun to see what I did ten or twenty or thirty years ago. When I was a missionary I prayed each day. One day I realized that if there were a god or gods they would have stopped people from creating religions.  Any religion.   Nothing is as detrimental to […]

It’s Curtains for the FBI

| May 28, 2017
blending in with the curtains

Advice From A Billionaire

| May 28, 2017
Ten minutes, once gone, are gone for good.

Roger Moore and I were both Saints

| May 26, 2017
Roger Moore and I were both Saints

Pixel Fucking

| April 23, 2017
How about—you write your script, press enter and with the help of AI and digital skulduggery—you create a masterpiece.

Here, have a BLAST!

| April 15, 2017
This goof wants to build an ICBM with a nuke in it and aim it at us.  https://goo.gl/iuIftg The problem is that he needs a miniaturized nuke. So with the help of the CIA I could sell him a tiny “nuke.” It would have four dials on its face. A GO button, then three destinations: […]

We cancelled your frequent flier package since you’re dead….

| April 13, 2017
No one could have anticipated that Clause 23 would be required

You started it; you stand under it….

| April 9, 2017
Idea: Everyone in government gets the same health care as their constituents.   Better Idea: During a nuclear exchange, the authorities have to give up their underground bunkers for kids in kindergarten.    

How to do great in Real Estate

| April 8, 2017
I am sending Rex to Russia to conclude my latest deal. I just sold Putin and his pals some worthless land we bought from them in 1867. I doubled our original purchase price. This is a TERRIFIC DEAL.  DT  

Immigration Can Save the world

| April 8, 2017
Suppose you live next door to a jerk. And suppose the jerk though you were a jerk. And suppose you were both right. You bickered and swore to burn each other’s house to the ground. And you would have, except your daughter fell in love with the jerk’s son.  And miracle of miracles they had […]

A plea to a “savage” tribe

| April 6, 2017
I will also teach you how to write screenplays that we can sell to the major studios.

Try Laughter

| March 13, 2017
Our ear ringing lessens, then miracle of miracle, stops. Laughter – best medicine!

EGG FU FUN

| January 12, 2017
From the 23rd floor of the Hyatt in Shanghai my wife and I look down on the Egg. A chicken that laid such an egg would stand taller than the Statue of Liberty. Even so, you could not make an omelet large enough from that gargantuan hen to feed the 1.4 billion people in China […]

Saving The Human Race

| December 13, 2016
With the new millennium roaring around us we must solve several serious problems or we’ll not make it as a species for another hundred years, let alone a thousand. Here’s our five major problems: (1) thermonuclear war, (2) the environment, (3) balanced budget, (4) sexual predators in political offices and (5) obesity. Thermonuclear war is […]

As I lay me down to Sleep

| December 10, 2016
Everyone grab half a sleeping person ….

Bombs Make Us Safer

| November 19, 2016
We live in a frightening world, don’t we?

Howdy, Gaudi

| November 16, 2016
Gaudi’s cathedral is a work in progress like our marriage

Post from Barcelona

| October 26, 2016
He counted out four more sheets. He was grim about it.

The power of the mind —

| October 23, 2016
There are lots of ways to get what you want.  One way is to go to Mars so that intergalactic war can begin.

keep on truckin’

| October 17, 2016
Millions of truck drivers create tens of millions of job. But there is a huge shortage of drivers according to The Wall Street Journal. And those jobs cannot be shipped overseas. I beg to differ.  Pilots fly drones halfway around the world.   Let ’em drive trucks.   A clever guy in the shade of the […]

Finally, after almost a century … I have the desk

| September 20, 2016
He gave me a damn fine whipping employing a large switch that somehow reached my vulnerable little bum

Your word for today: Sam-suing

| September 13, 2016
Samsung’s latest evil invention

Will The Machines Win?

| August 12, 2016
The phone that I knew as a boy has morphed into a magical device that we take for granted. But the machines are just starting.

Save $75 and protect your nest egg

| June 9, 2016
Maybe there’s something to the notion that inflation will do us in.

Attachments

| May 18, 2016
“Slip this into your pocket, don’t make it obvious. When you get home, check out the first star to the right of the nine.”

NASA & LDS COVER-UP

| May 14, 2016
of the 12 people who have landed on the moon, all were female.

Mankind: Just A Blip?

| May 11, 2016
“So what are you going to do about it?” asked Donald Rabbit. “Reprogram me?”

Solemates

| May 11, 2016
I was warned that if they came into the store not to wait on them and call security.

Throw out the Drones!

| May 1, 2016
Most of us are worker bees.

A Shocking Situation at BYU

| April 29, 2016
I discovered something that has shaken my confidence, my faith, and my soul, to the core.

Spec screenplay sales – long shots, real long

| April 28, 2016
— my friend, you will have a meeting that week. The single purpose in that meeting will be to meet Mr. Hopkins.

Costco – near death experience

| March 21, 2016
Let’s see if you can tell where I started to make stuff up.

John & Sophie Henning

| March 15, 2016
About all that is left after 75 years … at least memories.

This is a test —

| March 15, 2016
I wonder how this looks.  especially with this. 

Jesus’ Facebook: 11 Followers; 1 Stalker

| March 11, 2016
Have A Listen: sat test This link gets you a free copy of the narration, and a free trial membership in Audible.  Already a member?  I have some review copies while they last.  email: jaronbs@gmail.com  Thanks!

Something to go with your Naked Ass

| March 8, 2016
hey pay $3,000 for aged ripped jeans

President Bernie … gulppppppppppp

| March 6, 2016
Trump challenged Bernie to a televised sex contest ….

How do the Pearly Gates Work?

| March 2, 2016
Is it true? No, by definition a novel is fiction. However, many of the thing I fictionalized were based on amazing experiences I had in NZ.

Elder Wonder has a VOICE!

| February 28, 2016
Jack Wynters gives my favorite character a wonderful voice.

Mother Nature Loves Hockey

| November 8, 2015
Mother Nature likes hockey. I know she likes hockey because I have seen and handled the tar that holds the oil.

Travel warning from a friend ….

| November 7, 2015
Thank you for your dire warning about flying almost half way around the world.

Bernie Wins! Las Vegas / 6:48 pm / October 13 / 2015

| October 26, 2015
My prediction — last edited 10/26/15 — Bernie will be the next US president

BERNIE

| October 17, 2015
We have a winner. Bernie Sanders leapt from Bernie the candidate, to Bernie the statesman.

How things roll at our home in Alberta

| August 17, 2015
We have eyes everywhere. Maybe even drones.

Evil Landlord INC

| July 11, 2015
We have a home in Edmonton that we rent to grad students. Recently after weeks of negotiating–a possible tenant came in with a last minute offer, far below what we had agreed to. She said she already had a better place …. I sent her the following. Hi June, Kate and I are delighted that […]

Peek in Jaron’s peculiar brain for fun ….

| July 10, 2015
    Click on that button below

Roll the Dice ….

| July 9, 2015
The more he drank, the friendlier he became. He liked that I recognized him and chuckled at a couple of things I said. For an hour he knocked back booze and I sipped a Coke.

Writing Quotes more than 200 years old

| July 6, 2015
Read over your compositions and where ever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.

No one but a blockhead ever wrote for free *

| July 6, 2015
You can make a 100 times more money writing this way than blogging.

An adult riddle … naked in the shower

| June 29, 2015
Adult Riddle. After everyone left the shower it was discovered that one of them was pregnant.

a note to all housemates at 11457 78 avenue

| June 24, 2015
Very good, send me a note that says: “Got it” and you can have a seven dollar latte or take that much off your rent.  The offer ends at noon MST,  June 25, 2015. Now it’s over

I’m back already….? Return Trip Effect explained

| June 24, 2015
COLD SHRINKS STUFF. And this proves that global warming is false! You heard it here first.

Let’s Start with Money

| June 23, 2015
There was a whirring sound and I looked up and saw a television camera move in one of the palms trees. It looked like a metal monkey with a big eye. It saw me at the same time I saw it; we stared uneasily at each other.

Notes my mother made of her life

| June 20, 2015
All I can remember about Uncle Ben is that he was fat and ate lard and sugar on his bread, we loved him, and he was jolly and good to us.

Puppy Love

| June 18, 2015
Who they love and where they live becomes the graph of most people’s lives. However, Mother’s life, a life of almost a century, was defined by the dogs that lived with her.

My Kind of Town — Edmonton

| June 15, 2015
Saturday morning was the first time we had ever met and I had known him for only twenty-five minutes. But what a golden twenty-five minutes.

The Breadbox Home or Latest Bucket List

| June 12, 2015
Using ancient Asian folding concepts I refined the concept of the tiny house so that all my possessions and living quarters can be contained in a bucket.

Americans take Superior position

| June 11, 2015
California is working on a plan to siphon zillions of gallons of water from Lake Superior to LA. Honest. Lake Superior is one of the deepest lakes in the world. It has ten per cent of the fresh surface water of Planet Earth.

Outdead – the flip side of outlive

| June 4, 2015
Think plastic bags. Today they’re for carrying oranges home from a farmer’s market; tomorrow the bags are part of a super highway or a giant death ball plugging up some ocean.

I want one of these….

| May 27, 2015
This caboose of 1941 belonged to Great Northern. Check out what the new owners did.

How to Save Money and Buy Lunch

| May 27, 2015
it’s complicated thermodynamics. And simple economics

NSA helpers ….

| May 25, 2015
the nsa has a secret weapon — you!

NSA helpers —

| May 25, 2015
These ‘freelance spies’ are recording conversations around New York City http://www.theverge.com/2015/5/24/8652925/freelance-spies-nsa-recording-conversations-nyc

STATS

| May 10, 2015
Are we playthings? Could it be humans were created by an alien race and we’re part of some goofy advanced culture’s computer games?

The Hummingbird

| April 20, 2015
I had a college roommate who possessed good looks and charisma. He exuded passion. In college he felt that taxes were unconstitutional because he believed the government had been taken over by a ruthless organization which was in turn controlled by a group of powerful industrialists. These industrialists used kings and….

How to Teach Your Children to Love

| April 20, 2015
I’ve often wondered how parents teach their children to love.he other day I found one way. I was writing a screenplay with a former undercover Mountie Sergeant Dalton Taggart. He, his wife and two teenage sons live in Victoria, and I had a wonderful time staying with them and working on the movie. The two Taggart boys…

Baby Talk

| April 20, 2015
Most parents have no business raising children. They labor under total illusion as to their offsprings’ intellect.Take my friends, the Thors, who invited me to meet their new baby, Liam.I had no wish to meet any baby. (One does not have to be a rocket scientist to realize that few children under eight years are not human when it…

Hooked on a Feeling

| April 20, 2015
Boxers have left hooks and right crosses. Or is it left crosses and right hooks? Anyway, for me, there will only be one kind of hook, and that’s Charlie Taggart’s right hook. Charlie had an iron hook, the result of a boyhood flirtation with dynamite that almost blew him off the map.I will always be indebted to Charlie …

Word From Outer Space

| April 20, 2015
Being a CB radio operator, when I heard static coming from the Hale-Bopp Comet, I homed in on it.I was astonished to make contact with someone lurking behind the comet. Following is a transcript of our conversation:”This is Do,” said a frail voice through the ether.”Are you the leader of that cult that killed…

The Dinosaur

| April 20, 2015
He died Sunday, October 10, in Edmonton. His family had sold his house and he had moved into the Waterford, an assisted living complex. He stayed there barely a week and then had to return to the Grey Nuns Hospital and intensive care.His short-term memory was burned out, but I could get him back on track by talking…

Darrell Jones

| April 20, 2015
When you go to college you meet people and if you’re lucky one or two often become friends. In my case I met three guys. We become friends for life. We were roommates at BYU together. There was Darrell, Kent and Dennis. I was very lucky.Darrell Jones made a hundred times more money than the other three…

Candle in a Hurricane

| April 20, 2015
Stina Thor’s family and friends said goodbye to her, September 14, 2002 in Malibu. She was born in 1958. When I met her in 1968 I would have bet she was going to live forever. Stina had everything. Brains, beauty, humor, an infectious enthusiasm for life and she really cared about people. Her father, Larry Thor, was my professor at UCLA.

PO List

| April 18, 2015
We have some dear friends in Australia and they are going to have a grandchild in a few months. The mother-to-be often wonders what her baby might be thinking about or saying. I was able to contact the child and here are the things the child wants in a few months. Hi Mom, Just a quick note to let you know how things are going.

Head Phones

| April 18, 2015
Dear Lowell, I’ve always enjoyed using your services. Your mission statement says: “… committed to providing full and open communication with our customers, employees, and investors.” But what about multi-headed customers?

Simple Brain Surgery

| April 18, 2015
Recently, a dear friend, Gary Dartnall (the executive producer of a film I wrote), became effusive with his praise when I handed in some rewrites. Gary also took to bursting into upbeat songs and I noticed he was tipping waiters more than five per cent. It was obvious to both the director and me that Gary was slipping…

Elk Breakout

| April 18, 2015
Dear Fellow Nature Lover — Each time Kate and I go to the national parks in Canada we hear stories of Elk that escape the parks by rolling over the Texas Cattle Gates. I wanted to see if it was possible for an Elk to do this and get a photo of it. Many days I waited and waited…

Mob Rule Some Wild Stats

| April 18, 2015
I make the astonishing observation that cell phones (mobile phones) caused the murder rate to drop annually from 2,200 to 500 in New York. Of course, I know nothing about statistics but neither do statisticians. Still, if you look at when the NY murder rate started to plummet (around 1995), you will see that’s when cell phone saturation hit almost…

Mob Rule

| April 18, 2015
You know, talking to friends and colleagues about rumors and happenings. Meaningless babble. Apparently we are hard-wired to stand around the water cooler and chew the fat since in the good old days knowing what was going on, saved having our own fat from being chewed up. “Say did you hear Uncle Henry was eaten at ….

Ultimate Diplomacy

| April 18, 2015
Some become diplomats through birth. Others through dedicated education and focused study. A few geniuses, such as myself, achieve statesmanship (the ultimate diplomacy) through pure genius. I won’t give details and examples, Gentle Reader, for that would insult your intelligence. I am sure you are aware Prince Phillip…

3 Passports

| April 18, 2015
Yep. I have three passports. US. Canada and GB. No, I’m not a spy except in my dreams in which I pilot my personal flying saucer. I love England, Canada and the USA. And wisely picked the correct grandparents so that I ended up a citizen of all three countries. Having three passports has caused me some….

On Tap

| April 18, 2015
Tools. The things that separate men from beasts. Using ominous and shiny tools, dentists can hammer fresh incisors into your head after some miscreant uses a tire iron (auto tool) to smash in your porcelain caps (bite tools) because your wallet (money tool) contained only ….

Dublin

| April 18, 2015
Suggestions on how to see and enjoy Dublin, Ireland. We like to stay in one place and get to know the locals. Kate’s Prime Rule: Unpack and re-pack once per country. Go to www.airbnb.com and look …

Pay Off

| April 18, 2015
I had not been in a Chase bank for several years and was surprised to be welcomed by a young lady. I showed her our latest mortgage bill. She pointed to a teller. “Make your monthly payment there, Jaron.” “Okay. I’m going to pay it all off.

Tracy

| April 18, 2015
Occasionally, when scammers play games with me, I see how far I can go with them.

Every 100 Years

| April 18, 2015
It would be a singular honor for the town to have me address the expected throngs—present and past lovers of Coronation. 3,000+ guests are expected. The town will be aswarm with visitors. Many are aware that I have written short stories about Coronation. Additionally, countless old friends are…

Every 100 Years (Part 2)

| April 18, 2015
Background: Coronation, Canada (pop. 999), celebrates its centennial and I’m invited to speak. I confide to anyone who will listen, including the postman and gardener, that I’m the keynote speaker and guest of honor.My wife, Kate, has her doubts, plus it’s going to cost us a bucket of bucks to get back to my hometown … more expensive by…

S.O.S.: State of Security

| April 18, 2015
I listen to senators and garbage collectors referring to themselves as public servants and my mind immediately substitutes public enemy and their faces turn to a twisted image of Jimmy Cagney as a two-bit gangster.America, once a magical country, has stopped producing anything much except weapons of war and…

LA Travel Tips

| April 18, 2015
Kate and I saw a sensational play, DRIVE, by a friend of ours, Laura Black. DRIVE makes you think. At least it did us. But not everyone agrees it’s a great play. I read a mean spirited review of DRIVE. Here’s what I thought of the ….

Anthony Weiner

| April 18, 2015
I’m disgusted that everyone’s making crude jokes about our legally (former) Elected Official: Anthony W**ner . I am starting a contest. First prize is a box of delicious Sees chocolates. Only three rules.

19

| April 18, 2015
As you know we rent five rooms to mostly grad students in our home in Edmonton. The housemates decide who can move in. We have one guy from OZ who is into computers and artificial intelligence.

Leaving…

| April 18, 2015
Jacko Chessman, California career criminal, at the Flyaway bus ticket window, mulled over his last two decades in the Golden State. “I adore Southern California,” said Mr. Chessman, who served twelve of the last twenty years behind bars. “Truth is, our worst lock-ups beat most world-class resorts. You got the best climate on…

Kona Notes

| April 18, 2015
My wife, Kate, and I often spend time in Kona. Here are a few notes on the place. notes-1 Sun 30/01/11 – my journal … Kate and I are in Kona looking after chickens, dogs, cats and fending off wild pigs at the 1200 foot level of the island.

Vegas Report

| April 18, 2015
Kate and I flew to Las Vegas for one day and two nights—my only gal cousin, Pris, is living there with her husband. It was her birthday. We saw the water show for free at the Bellagio. Best thing to watch in Vegas. We spent no money gambling. The Eiffel tower is newer than the one they have in Paris. A security guard told me…

Woogly World

| April 18, 2015
Historians will examine this decade to determine what went woogly. Someone will have to take responsibility for the disappeared dollars (about twenty trillion) and, the beginning of the ice age. And, oh yes, the raging cannibalism when the starving masses realized lawyers could constitute fine sources of protein.

R.I.P. Bin Laden

| April 18, 2015
When the Twin Towers disappeared in flames many thought a bunch of stupid and cowardly terrorists did it. Me? I felt that it was one of the cleverest sneak attacks that the world had ever seen and that the people behind it—although the personification of evil—were smart. And brave.

The Devil May Care

| April 18, 2015
And it came to pass that Mr. and Mrs. God got up. It was a bright and sparkly day. (One advantage in living a few hundred yards from the sun.) devil-1″You didn’t sleep well, did you?” asked Mrs. God….

Penguin Love Nest

| April 18, 2015
Hi There! I am looking for a room to rent mainly on Thursday afternoon to evening. Could be other days rarely. My girlfriend and I would be meeting there. I would prefer following but not MUST: 1) Should be able to get a key to access this room so that I don’t have to bother someone to open it for me.

Clutter Control

| April 17, 2015
My wife, Kate, and I have had our most serious arguments because of extreme clutter, spawned by her deep-seated neuroses. Our condo had become a colossal trash compactor. I hired a professional organizer, Sally Wigglesworth. Now I may be facing homicide charges.

2011

| April 17, 2015
My wife and I do not have any children and we are sad about this. But we are even more sad about the number of children our friends are producing. It was not easy, but after we received the above Christmas card I wrote the following to the man who was responsible for these 28 children. Has he no shame?

Whale Tale

| April 17, 2015
The waters off the coast of Kona, Hawaii are said to be magical. And I have a story about that magic. It involves gypsies, a piper and a whale. The gypsies live in Kona and live to play music and conquer the sea — which was always the dream of their father. They laugh a lot.

E-mails? Nope.

| April 17, 2015
A friend found this Rolodex* of Hollywood legends. I bet it’s 50+ years old. So how did these stars become so famous without using e-mail or owning cell phones? * it was called a Wheeldex.

Aliens

| April 17, 2015
We’ve been looking for them for most of my life and with little success. Make that no success. Until recently we sent out signals to reach out and touch someone or something. This seems to me to be a little dangerous. Kind of the like Bambi mailing mapquest directions of his home to the Big Bad Wolf. It’s lucky the Klingons didn’t get

Kona Coffee

| April 17, 2015
Our friend harvests and roasts the best coffee in the world. The bad news: he only has 200 pounds each year. He and his wife produce Kona coffee for their family and friends each Christmas….

Officer Bubbles

| April 17, 2015
Hi, I am a Canadian Citizen and have paid my full and fairly honest taxes for many years. Partial confession. I am not perfect. When I was ten I stole Lifesavers (peppermint) from our local grocer in Didsbury, Alberta, and although I was under a cloud of suspicion for over a year, I was never apprehended…

The Double Bookmark

| April 17, 2015
My wife is a book thief. I bring home a thriller and even though we have 1000s of them she hooks my latest book and reads it. Then I find the purloined novel, and start to read it. Of course I lose her place.

Dr. Paul

| April 17, 2015
I might live to be a hundred he says. “But then again, there’s a chance I won’t. ”He taps a cigarette from a pack and touches a match to the tobacco and inhales deeply. Now in his 81st year, Doug Paul, MD, contemplates death, something—he, as a medical doctor—has battled against all of his life. Until recently that battle has been fought on behalf of others.

Down Under 75 Above

| April 17, 2015
New Zealand is the most beautiful and safest place in the world. Add to this a winter average temperature of 75 degrees and you have paradise. My wife and I just returned from Auckland, New Zealand. We were there for the shortest day of its year – June 21. In the Southern Hemisphere everything is backwards. Their winter is our summer and so on.

Free

| April 17, 2015
Dear Mary, Thank you for your lovely thoughts. I assure you that the talent and charm you attribute to me simply proves that you possess great imagination and compassion. So just go ahead and start writing

Pearl

| April 17, 2015
I usually concentrate on writing humorous pieces. Recently, though, I haven’t felt like writing funny stuff, since I’ve been thinking a lot about the death of my mother, Pearl. I miss her. She was wise and funny and compassionate. Born in 1903, she weathered all the depressions—

Gotcha

| April 17, 2015
There’s a novel way to deal with people like me who may soon be faced with dementia and/or Alzheimer’s. According to the Telegraph in Great Britain, the Benrath Senior Centre in Düsseldorf, Germany had problems with patients wandering off. Residents, because of short term memory loss, inevitably forgot why they had left the facilities.

Sera

| April 17, 2015
To save you reading the same things over and over — I will highlight Sera’s email. I will not highlight my stuff because it’s all brilliant and original. Jaron Let me know if the room/apt you advertise on craigslist.com is still available and let me know if you can

Too Much Stuff

| April 17, 2015
My wife, Kate, and I hate to throw stuff away. If you want to see why, look at the following film. Now if you really want to see why things can’t continue as they are, have a look at this:

Chase Your $$$$

| April 16, 2015
Chase Customer Service Rep (Chase): Good morning. We are recording this to maintain customer satisfaction. Jaron: Great. I was going through my online banking and I see that I paid you $450 two weeks ago. Last night you rejected my online deposit. Chase: Correct. That is why you still owe

Access Beats Ownership

| April 16, 2015
I recently told you there was a way to get some of the cheese, the cheese being the money and/or real property in a world that offers diminishing jobs and spiraling inflation. I think by now you realize that my philosophy is to work for yourself. There are many reasons for this but one of the best ones is that when you work for yourself you have

Ponzi

| April 16, 2015
Let us begin with a small Ponzi scheme. Bernie Madoff put one together – we all know he bilked sophisticated investors out of fifty billion dollars. He is going to jail for forever and day. Everyone knows how a Ponzi scheme works. Essentially you persuade people to let you invest their money and then you put it in your pocket. You pay the people who invested

Scholars

| April 16, 2015
If you are looking for the smartest scholars in the world come to my home, within walking distance of The University of Alberta. I rent rooms to four grad students who attend the great campus. I would put my four fellows up against any group of scholars who have ever lived. Aristotle, Einstein, Hawking. It would not matter. My lads – in their sleep

Home by U of A

| April 16, 2015
Old world charm & hi-tech delights Three blocks from the campus, Features 50-inch HDTV, wi-fi, hardwood floors, spacious bedrooms and nearby bus and LRT.

Dr. Juliet

| April 16, 2015
Recently I ran an ad to rent a room in our home in Edmonton. I was lucky enough to find a possible renter. Meet Juliet. (I’ve highlighted her info and questions.) ***********

Dr. Juliet 2

| April 16, 2015
Back Story — I advertise a home for rent in Edmonton. An internet scammer, Juliet, has tried to hook me into sending her money — These scammers send out 1,000s of emails to people on Craigslist who often just want to help students and earn enough money to survive.

Dr. Juliet 3

| April 16, 2015
My wife and I rent our Alberta home to grad students. An internet scammer, “Dr.” Juliet, attempts to trick us into sending her some money. I convince Juliet I am crazy but gullible. And maybe a dirty old man. (Little does she know how close to the truth this is.)

We Dance for You

| April 16, 2015
Kate, my wife, and our friends Larry and Bev do a St. Patty’s jig for you. Which one am I? Hint: there’s two of me.

American Express

| April 16, 2015
The secret of getting money back from a large and powerful corporation is: 1. Go to the top guy and make him feel good. 2. Illustrate you have been a good customer. 3. Tell him your problem and go for a

B & B

| April 16, 2015
My wife, Kate, and I toyed with buying a bed and breakfast lodge in Ontario. Our realtor recommended a property owned by a Mrs. X in one of the most lovely spots of the world, Niagara-on-the-Lake. During the Shaw Festival accommodations are at a premium and

Shab

| April 16, 2015
I am not sure where he came from or how he learned to do what he did but he was one of the most bizarre characters who ever settled in our village. He was an electrician … … who resembled a Sumo wrestler with a French name, and how he learned about electricity I don’t know.

The Sod Hut

| April 16, 2015
They say nothing ever happened in Coronation but I heard stories about the Gent from Geneva, who in the late 1940s, arrived in Alberta. This guy, I think his name was Franz, had seen a travelogue of Western Canada. Its majestic Rocky Mountains gave Franz the idea that moving to Alberta was like living in Switzerland….

Bart

| April 16, 2015
They say nothing happened in Coronation but they must have been out of town one Saturday night in 1960. The evening started out dull, not much to do but watch a movie at The Avalon, the town’s only theater, or maybe wander over to the Chinese cafe and have a cold Coke and a warm piece of pie. Then eat it slowly and wonder what would become of you.

Wild Echoes

| April 16, 2015
They say nothing happens in Coronation. They are certainly not goose hunters. Coronation is on the fly path of millions of geese that migrate between the Arctic and Mexico each year. There were a lot when I lived there in the 50s.

The Glow of A Father

| April 16, 2015
A dentist charged me $650 for a gold crown the other day. I thought of my father. It’s curious what links men to their fathers. Usually it’s hockey or baseball or camping. With Dad and me it was teeth. My father was a dentist in Edmonton

Our Man In Cairo

| April 16, 2015
I am one of a handful of Canadians with a valid passport. As a matter of fact, I have two passports. Let me explain. Passport Canada is terrified that it might issue a passport to a bad person. This has forced Passport Canada

Who Am I Now?

| April 16, 2015
People I trusted lost my identity and it’s in the hands of person’s unknown or a spy. It all began about five months ago when I applied for a Canadian passport. After only three attempts and four months, Canada issued me a passport but—well, you can see what happened

End Game

| April 15, 2015
Background. After months of mind games (using electron microscopes to find fly specs on my head shot so it could reject my application and destroy our travel plans), Passport Canada reluctantly awarded me a new passport but sent my driver’s license and birth certificate to a stranger, Mr. X. They also sent me Mr. X’s old passport

Passport Woes

| April 15, 2015
By the way, I visited your website and there is a terrific photo of you. You are beautiful and you don’t have a single wrinkle. What a marvelous smile you have. As soon as I saw your photo I trusted you. Of course you couldn’t use that photo on your passport. It could land you in the slammer.

Room 4 Rent

| April 15, 2015
We have a house in Edmonton that we rent to students. Occasionally scammers send us phony cashier’s checks. They insist on paying more than we ask for the place. AKA: advance rent fraud. They instruct us to send the difference

180 words benefits of global warming

| April 15, 2015
Note to self: When buying co-ops in New York go for something above the fifth floor. Perhaps global warming will cause the oceans to rise and New York will be underwater and you will drown on lower floors. Logical? Nope. Within a New York second of the Atlantic’s rise Washington will hire a bunch of Dutch engineers to build dikes along the

3 AM

| April 15, 2015
Every night for the last 40 years or so I get up around 3 AM and go to the bathroom. I always think of things to write about. Lately I have been writing them down. What would happen if you got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and you stubbed your toe just as…

ZZZ-Answer

| April 15, 2015
Do I really think we should all hibernate for most of the winter? No, I guess not. But what would happen if we stayed in bed a bit longer? It worked for Hugh Hefner and of course Winston Churchill spent much of his time in bed, working away.

180 words ZZZzzz

| April 15, 2015
My grandmother went to bed in the fall, stayed there until the spring. Then in mid-May my mother and uncle would throw open the shutters and get Grandma up for the summer. This went on for twenty years. Had Grandma been born in the..

Halifax Hustle

| April 15, 2015
The chaos was worsening. The loons on St. Margaret’s Bay sang silly songs in the Nova Scotia fog. A phone rang and McDuff, 71 and overweight, sat bolt upright. He felt insignificant on his huge Simmons Beautyrest memory foam bed in the corner of his massive second floor suite. Nestled beside McDuff his third wife Danielle, 35,

If We Talk

| April 15, 2015
Not that far in the future, a few years after the kids learned to use surface-plus computers … the Armed Forces of Earth offered a course called War Animation for Peace (WAP). The course was a hit with the younger cyber crowd. It took six years of intense dedication and you learned how to annihilate computer-generated space invaders.

Perfect crime…

| April 15, 2015
His wife annoyed him. Nagging. Leaving the garbage for him to take out. Substituting skim milk for cream in his tea. He decided to off her. Things could go wrong. Also, husbands were always the…

Better than Winning the Lotto…

| April 15, 2015
After being a writer for 40 years, I’ve learned the right words enable us to connect to our own humanity. Take Peter Reede. He’s a middle aged man who lives in a tiny flat in Devonport at the edge of Auckland, New Zealand.

China Drill

| April 15, 2015
Dear President Jintao, We have dozens of highly motivated and trained scientists working for us in our pursuit to equalize the great discrepancies that exist among nations. For some time now we have felt that China is the future of mankind. We are committed to do whatever it takes to

Stormy Youth

| April 15, 2015
Ever suffer from Astraphobia—fear of lightning and thunder? I don’t. Although there are lots of things I am terrified of—such as being attacked by giant spiders who inject my body with some kind of stun juice so they or their offspring can eat me later.

Trapped in The Great Pyramid

| April 15, 2015
According to Greek mythology the first sphinx lived in the suburbs of Thebes and killed anyone who failed to solve the riddles she posed. I wish she were around now, because I have a riddle for her. My riddle started about fifty years ago, as I was drinking a Coke in the Hong Kong

Cult Quiz

| April 15, 2015
1- Do you believe your God speaks to you and guides you? 2- Do you believe your God directs your leaders? 3- Has your God given you a list of things to do in order to become a better person?

Go Green

| April 15, 2015
Fred Fünkendiddle was into green. “The most important thing we can do for the planet is conserve Mother Nature’s resources,” Fred Fünkendiddle said to his wife. “But Darling, I recycle everything. I am a strict vegetarian and I read only in sunlight to conserve power.”

Bill Meilen

| April 15, 2015
Bill Meilen told me that the difference between a wedding and a funeral in Wales is one less drunk. At the time he was gravely ill but even so his humor did not fail him. Days later on September 4, 2006, Bill, 73, died. My wife, Kate, and I attended his funeral in downtown Vancouver, B.C.

FORD — R.I.P.

| April 15, 2015
President Ford had a lot to say about certain politicians—in nearly all cases his remarks were made to reporters with the stipulation that they not be revealed until after Mr. Ford’s death. Ford said Carter was a “disaster” and our best president was Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Happy Birthday, Georgia

| April 15, 2015
I went to lunch with Jimmy Huston and one of his daughters, Georgia. Jimmy took a package to post before lunch. I said that he didn’t need any stamps and suggested he simply leave it on the street. Some kind soul would deliver it or mail it.

World History – Lesson 2

| April 15, 2015
As you will recall I decided to write a history book that is easy enough for any nine year old to understand. Becki, a distant cousin, is about nine. (History lesson 1) Becki wrote me back a nice letter about our forefathers. Here is my answer to her, along with lesson 2.

Becki’s History of the World

| April 15, 2015
I decided to write a history book for any (smarter than average) nine year old a decade or so ago. Becki, a cousin, was about nine and she was smarter than average. Way smarter. Now she’s a lawyer.

A Silver Dollar, a Tub and a Wedding

| April 15, 2015
My father, Jack Summers, and Uncle Bill stand between the bridesmaid and Aunt Ivy (the bride in blue). My father had murder on his mind. Thomas Wolff once said “You can’t go back,” and Edward Albee said, “There are no second acts in American lives.”

Mercy Stone

| April 15, 2015
What is the Mercy Stone™? Testimonials Killing with the Mercy Stone™ User Groups

Simplify, Simplify, Simplify,

| April 15, 2015
My wife, Kate, and I have had our most serious arguments because of extreme clutter, spawned by her deep-seated neuroses. Our condo had become a colossal trash compactor. Help was on the way…. Or so we thought.

The Hollywood Fast Lane

| April 15, 2015
She was a gentle and beautiful child (albeit precocious) when she and her mother moved into our condos here at Goofy Acres in Los Angeles. We called her Duh because whenever anyone put to her a question such as – “Isn’t it lovely today?” she would always say something like, “Well, Duh, the sun is out.”

Merry Xmas from Your Banker

| April 15, 2015
We charge a nominal $20 overdraft fee (plus interest). The unpaid interest on the dollar is 18 percent. This means that we must wait a full four years to double our money.

Roof Rat

| April 15, 2015
Notes from the homeowner – I heard scratching noises above the ceiling tiles. The roof rat was back. There was a hole in the wall by the top of the bookcase that looked like the access that the rat used. I placed glue-pads on the bookcase

A Bit of a Pickle

| April 15, 2015
Charlie Pickle specialized in refrigeration. He was working after hours and he tumbled into a vat of brine and was electrocuted and then frozen to death by some kind of automated machinery in this pickle factory. What would be the chances of a guy

Travel Controls

| April 15, 2015
Max Wayward was the first person publicly executed in California as a result of the Travel Controls & Restrictions Act of 2007. The governor of California presided over a television special, showing authorities strapping a sedated Wayward to a green gurney as a medical doctor pumped blue liquid into his main artery.

The Big Picture

| April 15, 2015
The third planet had turned into a tiny sun and the aliens were sad to see the end of the human race. What had gone wrong? Toward the end of their reign on earth, the humans argued incessantly over a couple of fun subjects. One was evolution, the other was Intelligent

To Live Forever

| April 15, 2015
The old man was fabulously rich, having acquired his wealth making puzzles and riddles. In the few weeks (or was it hours?) that the old man had left, he summoned the brightest inventors in the world to his deathbed and said he had one last riddle, or was it a request?

Bold Alberta Finance

| April 15, 2015
An open letter to the premier of Alberta: Our provincial government earns way over a billion dollars annually from oil. Using a revolutionary concept that I devised (after my 9th Tony Roberts Seminar) we could turn that paltry sum into over 100 billion dollars (real money).

War of the Worlds

| April 15, 2015
I usually have the greatest admiration for Steven Spielberg, a film genius. War of the Worlds. Its best feature is the voice over by Morgan Freeman. The guy could convince me that my wife is perfect. He has that kind of power. He’s so good that he could probably convince my wife that I’m perfect.

Magic Waters of the Rockies

| April 15, 2015
Above us an enormous snowflake hovers in the vibrant air of the Canadian Rockies. The snowflake, Sputnik-sized, is a white octagon—supported by eight pillars encircling a shimmering pool. As my wife, Kate, and I float in the pool, we hear relaxing harmonies as…

The Beauty of it All

| April 15, 2015
I’m not a bawl baby but a sunset moves me to tears…and perhaps, larceny. Sunday at Kinkos. Two employees kibitzed at the rear counter. “Would you make a few copies for me?” I asked. “Use the self-service copiers, Dude,

My Wife Keeps Cussing

| April 15, 2015
My wife, Kate, came across a few notes that I had scribbled. Here is what she read – “It’s amazing how tiny decisions change our lives. “You take your dog for a walk and he shakes his lead and you end up running into an old friend.

Crocodile Hunter

| April 15, 2015
I spent a fun weekend with Steve Irwin, the Australian Crocodile Hunter. Recently, he was criticized for “introducing” his newborn to a man-eating croc. Steve and Terry (his beautiful wife) have repeatedly risked their lives (along with their kids) to provide TV viewers

Keeping Abreast of the Red Planet

| April 15, 2015
As most earthlings know we now have two rovers, roving across the surface of Mars. Both are looking for water because water will prove that life could have existed on Mars. Once we can establish that water was on Mars, we may be able to prove that cowboys and ranchers inhabited the red planet many years ago.

The Friendly Skies

| April 15, 2015
Once upon a time there was a clever CEO (let’s call him Glenn) who ran one of the most successful airlines in the world (let’s call it United Airlines). Now into our story comes Patricia. She’s 46 with two teenagers and, sad to say, she’s been a widow for a few years. Patricia is a United Airlines flight attendant with an MA in languages and,

Misunderstanding

| April 15, 2015
Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted to a possible faux pas in his dealings with women prior to winning the governorship in The Golden State of California. “My sin, if you could call it that, is in the past, I categorized women. I am very sorry for that. No group of people should be grouped together without…

Bankruptcy Terminated

| April 15, 2015
In 2010, Little Arnold, sat down at his Apple computer. It was a G-22, way better than the clunky G-5 of the early 2000s. There were a lot of other children in the kindergarten class. Most of them were named Arnold. Some were called “Arnie” and a few went by “Termy” ¾short for Terminator.

Suffer the Little Children

| April 15, 2015
Veronica was a beautiful five-year-old blonde with a smile that could subdue the most dastardly curmudgeon. The child was blessed with parents who adored her. You could reason with Veronica. Perhaps because they had experienced “tough love” as children, the parents

Model Spokesperson

| April 14, 2015
Supermodel Niki Bassett divides her hectic life between New York runways and faraway Ethiopia. Ms. Bassett, who earns $100,000 a day posing for clients such as Victoria’s Secret, returned via private jet from Ethiopia where she had addressed indigenous groups in an effort to raise the consciousness of women…

Open the Poles

| April 14, 2015
In a surprise strategy that stunned the nation, President Bush announced his new running mate for 2004 is Saddam Hussein. “I promised to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Who knows more about their locations than Saddam Hussein? When he’s on our team he’ll take us to those hidden bunkers…

Baghdad’s B&B

| April 14, 2015
As my loyal readers know I am in Baghdad covering the second of the three Gulf Wars. The bombs are raining down and blowing appendages about but, to be honest, I am more concerned about the shabby manner that I am being treated in the Mohammed Motel in downtown Baghdad.

Interview with a Human Shield

| April 14, 2015
Mr. Martin Shield, 43, born in Seattle, Washington, is an Episcopalian and pacifist. During the last decade Mr. Shield has repeatedly placed himself in harms way to bring injustices to the attention of the world. He has paid a steep price for his

What’s in a Name?

| April 14, 2015
George Mohammed, a world-famous linguist, is a Persian-American who has spent most of his life working with the United Nations. Now 64, Dr. Mohammed faces the greatest challenges of his career. He is in charge of renaming various parts of Iraq to mirror the recent regime change.

The Future of Us

| April 14, 2015
The beginning of the end of the world might have been in Vietnam when a general explained he had to destroy the village of Ben Suc in order to save it. A few decades later, actually only a heartbeat in terms of the so called indomitable human spirit, the most powerful nation in the world fell upon a nasty dictator who possessed..

Cell Phones & Sweet Spots

| April 14, 2015
According to Michael Powell, head of the FCC, effective June 1, 2003, California will be the ninth state to ban walking while talking on a cellular phone. Mr. Powell said the annual 2,600 deaths caused by drivers who use cell phones is trivial in comparison to those who walk & talk.

Shoebox Filing

| April 14, 2015
When it comes to organizing our lives, we use the modified shoebox method around our household. We scribble Bills on the end of a shoebox—we stuff all our financial stuff into it. We have shoeboxes for everything but our shoes. Footwear we put in apple boxes. I don’t know why.

The Longest Bookstore

| April 14, 2015
Between Christmas 2002 and the New Year, Kate and I journeyed a thousand miles up the Amazon of South America. We employed a native dugout canoe. We took on the deadly Amazon because we wanted to explore the second..

Nostradamus and 9-11

| April 14, 2015
Born in the early 16th century, Nostradamus wrote poems with four lines, quatrains. Notradamus Qnostradamus1uatrains were French but they also contained Italian and Greek and Latin. Many scholars (I, among them) feel these quatrains predict the future…

This Little Piggy

| April 14, 2015
CNN: Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the suspected mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks and a senior operative in Osama bin Laden’s al-Qaida network, was captured Saturday in a joint raid by CIA and Pakistani agents.

Christmas in Barbados

| April 14, 2015
Our crew on the Olympia Voyager had warned and re-warned us of the perils of exploring the 166-square mile island-country on our own, emphasizing and reemphasizing that the only safe way to explore the home of the world’s oldest rum (Mount Gay—300 years and still going strong) was under the guidance of a certified Oylmpia Voyager excursion

Passing on the Flame

| April 14, 2015
Our university graduates are crackerjacks. The best. Take the four young men who rent our house—sterling Canadians to whom I will pass the flame. The men, ages 22 to 30, have collectively racked up 75 years of education. They communicate in twenty

Flipping Houses

| April 14, 2015
After I was fired as assistant foreman of the poultry farm, I decided to go into the real estate industry. (Over the last twelve years I have purchased most of the real estate courses available on late night cable shows.) The basis of these courses is to show

Send in the Clones

| April 14, 2015
News Item:  The Iraqi government has enlisted Saddam Hussein look-alikes in an effort to thwart assassination attempts on their leader. In a secret section of Iraq, Saddam Hussein strolled past the his many clones, standing ramrod straight.

Extreme Phone Sex

| April 14, 2015
The cellular phone or cell is the world’s most successful sex prop. Body language is what counts in the mating game and extreme posturing is what the cell encourages. You’ve seen the TV ads. Astonished nerd assumes beautiful

Advice to the Young Writer

| April 14, 2015
There are Seven Writing Secrets. Ha—surprise. If you promise Seven anything Secrets, people will read you. (See? I’ve gotten you this far….) Now, onto writing secrets…. Ryan, early 20s, the nephew of an old

Colorful Characters

| April 14, 2015
I recently spent several days in the world’s friendliest city, New York. The town is coming back like a lion and the colorful residents turned out to be some of the most helpful I have ever had the pleasure to spend time with. If the terrorists thought they have brought the city to its knees those terrorists were sadly mistaken.

Auto be a Law

| April 14, 2015
As readers of this column may recall my wife recently committed an error that resulted in the theft of our Acura Legend. The person who stole our favorite car was charged with operating a vehicle without the permission of the owner. In California this is a misdemeanor equivalent to spitting in public.

Auto Be More Assertive

| April 14, 2015
I have always thought that love was more important than possessions so I was understanding when the action (or should I say, non-action) of Kate, my wife, resulted in a car “accident.” The car was an Acura Legend that I took very good care of. Each Saturday morning I lugged a bucket of soapy hot water to the garage so that Kate…

The Boy With The Large Head (Part-2)

| April 14, 2015
They say nothing happens in Coronation. I proved the fallacy of this in Part l. Part 2 concludes this amazing story that had its roots in Coronation. As you will recall I promised to explain how George, a boyhood acquaintance with an enormous head, became the subject of a bizarre investigation by the Royal Canadian

The Curious Case of the Boy With The Large Head

| April 14, 2015
Freddie and Winnie produced two children. A boy, George, was born with a gigantic head. He was a hydrocephalic. The kids branded him Humpty Dumpty.

Blessed Are the Children

| April 14, 2015
Dear Mr. Yasser Arafat, As the leader of the Holy Roman Empire, I and the rest of the civilized world, are appalled by your encouraging suicide bombers, little more than children, to enter various pizza restaurants in the state of Israel, blow themselves up and kill innocent citizens. Isn’t there something we can do to..

Somebody

| April 14, 2015
My wife, Kate, never gets angry with me. And I never get angry or even impatient with her. You see, whenever we speak, we always refer to somebody else. Let me give you an example. When I came home the other day,

St. Patrick’s Day

| April 14, 2015
If you want to have an ancient Celtic wedding you need three things. Two people to agree to marry each other and a druid. Finding two people to marry each other is achievable. Locating a druid is a bit of a puzzle. No druids are listed in the yellow page.

Gimme a (Coffee) Break

| April 14, 2015
Although I am in prison, I am innocent. The one thing I might be guilty of is living The American Dream. I hit upon a legal and (if I do say so myself) an ingenious method to earn $6,000 a day using cats and several items that anyone could purchase.

The World’s Best Directors

| April 14, 2015
A friend of mine invited me to attend the Directors Guild of America in Los Angeles and listen to their five nominees for Outstanding Directorial Achievement. Baz Luhrmann, famous for Strictly Ballroom, seemed to be as graceful and as full of energy as one of the lead male dancers from his film, Moulin Rouge.

From Brad to Bard

| April 14, 2015
Dear Professor Ben, Welcome to the heady ranks of the very very successful Hollywood writer. I am delighted you have finally achieved a (some say the) plateau where you grasp that you must focus on the type of brad employed in binding a screenplay.

To All the Girls I’ve Loved

| April 14, 2015
John Michael Hughes recently explained to the authorities why he let himself into a Malibu, California house. He said his fiancée, movie star Meg Ryan, forgot to leave her key under the mat. He had had no option but to kick in a bedroom window and enter. This seems reasonable to me but the cops called it breaking and entering.

Ax and Ye Shall Receive

| April 14, 2015
Pablo Moreira, 28, a Uruguay banker, says he will sue United Airlines and Tony Robbins for interfering with his travel plans. “It started out innocently enough,” said the banker. “After we took off from the States I told some of the flight attendants that I could secure preferred charge cards for people who are..

Cake Walk

| April 14, 2015
Kenny Lay and I were having a drink the other day and he chatted about his resignation as CEO from Enron, America’s energy giant. “Are you bitter?” I asked. “Why, no. I’ve squirreled away a few bucks for a rainy day.” “Kenny,” I asked, “how much did you squirrel?”

Initially Yours

| April 14, 2015
As I read the Christmas holiday memoirs of famous dead writers I realize that their accounts of their holidays are often superior to those of my own. One of the major differences is that classical writers seldom identified friends by entire name. They simply used initials, I suppose for fear of

Secrets of LA Freeway Driving

| April 14, 2015
First you require a vehicle. I tested Lamborghinis, Range Rovers and Hummers—each more disappointing than its predecessor. So many imperfections. A moon roof whistled at 200 MPH, a gas cap was crafted poorly, the horn did not scatter pedestrians effectively and…

Snip, Snipe, Snip

| April 14, 2015
When I am in the midst of composing one of my hilarious weekly columns, my wife often interrupts me with the pretense of cutting my hair. The result is the loss of a brilliant column, albeit the appearance of my ears. Today, as I was thirty-seven per cent into an exquisitely funny column, Kate said, “Time for a trim.”

Taliban Barbie

| April 14, 2015
A group of Taliban religious leaders plans to market “Taliban Barbie”™ early in the New Year, according to investigative journalist Geraldo Rivera. General Mohammed Sphincter explained to Mr. Rivera outside of Kabul that “Taliban Barbie”™ will help to reeducate members of the al-Qaida network along with its supporters.

Bin Laden – Inside Job

| April 14, 2015
Los Angeles (CNN) — Passengers and crewmembers aboard a United Airlines 747 overpowered Mohammed Reid shortly after he tried to detonate plastic explosives at 35,000 feet above the Pacific Ocean. This is the second attempt by terrorists in less than a week to hide powerful

Road Tolls

| April 14, 2015
Dear Sirs, There is no question that my wife, Kate, and I were driving on your toll road at the time and place indicated on our recent “Notice of Toll Evasion.” I fully and freely admit this. My wife continues to harbor doubts. May I explain?

New Zealand! (The Perfect Haven)

| April 14, 2015
From our condo in Los Angeles, my wife, Kate, and I watched CNN document the horror of the terrorist attack on New York and the Pentagon. I thought we were watching a preview of a special effects movie … until I realized there were no commercials. In the following days I became nutso..

How to Feel Great

| April 14, 2015
There are many ways to write a column and if you are busy, busy, busy often all you do is read the first and last paragraph. If you are one of those people, here’s the first and last paragraph. First paragraph—When my wife, Kate, and I walked onto the grounds at the Optimum Health Institute …

Sex on the Sand

| April 14, 2015
Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. bin Laden had been dwelling in the Afghanistan desert for what seemed like forever. Bin Laden’s youngest wife had said at breakfast over shriveled figs, “it’s like we have been living like sand crabs on this like desert for like eons.” “I don’t appreciate it when you use the word ‘like,'” said her husband.

Understanding bin Laden

| April 14, 2015
Many readers around the world are no doubt familiar with a recent fax that bin Laden sent. Fortunately the CIA was able to decode several secret messages within the fax. The English translation of the text follows in black. The blue section is the part decoded by the CIA:

Desert Love

| April 14, 2015
Afghanistan is a bitter and hostile country where countless people perish under a relentless desert sun. A land of terrorists and drug dealers, a land of radical religions. But it also a land of spectacular panoramas and delightful people. One such delightful person is Osama

Paradise on Earth

| April 14, 2015
Stop reading unless you are a terrorist. And not just an ordinary terrorist but one of the followers of Osama bin Laden who was involved in the mayhem of 9/11. Hi. Mohammed be with you. First I want to tell you, you guys are brilliant.

The Soul of Mankind

| April 14, 2015
As readers of this column know, my wife and I live in a small condo. Until recently there were no children here. I like children; I’ve always said they’re the soul of mankind. A few days ago, Ruth Smith moved into the complex with her eight-year-old twins—a girl named Sally and a boy, Damian.

Hang Ups!

| April 14, 2015
A twenty-seven-year old widow is helping to make it a misdemeanor to drive while talking on a cell phone throughout many North America communities. Donna Babing, working with the Sierra Club, has also been behind legislation barring cell phone calls on federally owned wetlands.

Benny Hinn’s Older Brother

| April 14, 2015
World-famous televangelist Benny Hinn has postponed his Super Christian Crusade that was to originate in Salt Lake City, Utah at the end of June. Reverend Hinn was airvaced today to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota to undergo emergency treatment for a life-threatening staphylococcal infection.

Deep Dolphin

| April 14, 2015
An expert on deviant animal behavior was arrested Sunday on first-degree murder charges in this seaside community of rock stars, movie celebrities and corporate executives. Dr. Patrick Finley, 68, who taught and lectured throughout the world and was a frequent contributor to National Geographic, is being held without bail in

Mr. Mills

| April 14, 2015
They say nothing ever happened in Coronation but few people ever sat in on Mr. Mills’ fifth grade class, my home room teacher. Mr. Mills, would look out the second-story window of our red brick schoolhouse as a car sped by and ask, “I wonder what that driver is going to do with his extra two minutes?”

Oh, Baby!

| April 14, 2015
I met Mr. and Mrs. Brady in their home in Las Vegas. Their four-bedroom residence had been turned into a media circus. As readers will recall, the Bradys made headline news when Mrs. Brady gave birth to 18 babies last month. During our interview, haggard church

Reverend Jesse Jackson Clears the Air

| April 14, 2015
Jaron: Reverend Jackson, what’s wrong with America? Reverend Jackson: It’s morally bankrupt. The greatest sin is Men of God who betray their families. These so-called Christian leaders shag anything that struts by their steeples. Jaron: Why do women allow it?

Egging Me On

| April 14, 2015
Life may imitate art, but around our home, marriage imitates international relations. Last Sunday I was preparing omelets for my wife Kate and her parents. My mother-in-law Betty (who understands fully that when I am creating a culinary masterpiece

Getting Yours

| April 14, 2015
I met with a strange duck to find out some of his secrets for survival. He lives in Los Angeles and his name is Mr. Noraj. Mr. Noraj is a middle-aged man with a warm smile who likes kids and has thinning hair. Few people realize what kind of diabolical things he perpetrates on a daily basis.

It Began with a Bang

| April 14, 2015
Coronation was the result of a sexual act. Edward VII exercised his connubial rights with Alexandra of Denmark on or about September 4th of 1864. George V of England popped out of his mummy’s belly in June of the following year.

The Good Old Days

| April 14, 2015
They say nothing happens in Coronation. I have news for you. Many things that have just happened in the world, happened decades ago in Coronation. For example, yesterday I read about a couple of wolf boys with a traveling circus.

The Advantage of Pimples

| April 14, 2015
Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones ripped off banks for zillions in the exciting feature film “Entrapment” produced by my buddy, Michael Herzberg — how’s that for dropping names? Mr. Connery had Ms. Zeta-Jones working under him for much of the movie.

Sam Fitzlehead the 1st

| April 14, 2015
At noon last Friday, a human being was cloned for the first time in the United States of America. The father of the clone (or, rather, the donor of the DNA that created the clone) is Sam Fitzlehead, a janitor at American Research Gene Laboratories in Seattle, Washington.

Dr. Erve: The Early Years

| April 14, 2015
Dr. Con S. Erve, Canada’s leading anthropologist, first achieved notoriety for his studies of the Wo-Wo Tribe. The Wo-Wo tribe was composed of 2,724 aboriginals who worshiped at a sacred “Ocean Beach” in northern Alberta. No one knew that landlocked Alberta

Hang Ups

| April 14, 2015
Claude Cramp teaches an intensive course in urban driving skills to rich bitches. Jaron: As a former employee of the Department of Motor Vehicles, do you enjoy your job? Mr. Cramp: I love it. I specialize in helping the rich hone their driving skills.

The Ever-Vigilant Roof Monitor

| April 14, 2015
Dear Ms. Bendhard, Let us set the record straight. I have never entered your condo illegally. As you know, I have a number of listening devices, including a stethoscope that I use to locate running water. Wayward water and wayward vixens are my concern!

Love: A Many Splendored Thing

| April 14, 2015
I met Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. Brigham Splendor just outside of Salt Lake City. They, as old-time Mormons once did, practice plural marriage. Today the Mormons (The Church or Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) excommunicates any of its members involved in polygamy.

The Cannibals are Coming

| April 13, 2015
I woke up the other day because there were two Maoris knocking at my door. Maoris are the original Polynesian natives of New Zealand. These dudes were in dark suits and looked like IBM reps except they were carrying spears and their faces were

Jack’s Back

| April 13, 2015
Jack, the Mad Russian, is dead. Shot between the eyes. Suicide say the police. (See my last column.) His brand new Lexus X5 SUV towers over a Porsche Carrera-4. Their combined value could hit two hundred thousand. After the police smashed down the Mad

Bye Jack

| April 13, 2015
Happy holidays. About a week ago I returned to our small condo complex and noticed that our neighbor’s door down the hallway was open. I went to the door and knocked and a stranger wandered out of a back bedroom.

Brain Freeze

| April 13, 2015
In recent years we have come to think of our brain as a computer. In the good old days of Aristotle we knew what the brain was. A refrigerator. No, I’m not kidding. Aristotle had it figured out that the brain was used to cool the blood.

Toast & Tea Diet

| April 13, 2015
You think that gets rid of the cholesterol? Do you realize it probably concentrates it?” Kate asked. “Do you realize you’ll die if you don’t have enough cholesterol in your body?” I asked. I slowly ate the peanut butter diet toast and then I swallowed a small green pill that the doctor had given me to reduce cholesterol. “Besides, I don’t have to worry about cholesterol,” I said. “That’s what these pills are for. If it makes you happy, I’ll take two.”

My Closest Brush with Death

| April 13, 2015
Recently I underwent a medical procedure that brought me as close to death as it is possible to achieve without actually dying. I am talking about a procedure involving the insertion of a six-foot tube into your body to have “a look around.” This snake-like gadget is along the lines of common garden hose with a camera in

How to Paint A Bathroom

| April 13, 2015
My wife Kate has this hormone imbalance thing. A lot of women do. One learns to live with it. It caused us a few problems so we decided to see a marriage counselor. The marriage counselor, Dr. Seesaw, said that women were from Venus and guys were from Mars. I asked…

The Inside Poop of the Rich and Famous

| April 13, 2015
Mr. Richard (Rich) Twit, the world’s wealthiest man arose after a long and sleepless night. Several of his zillion dollar mergers were not going well. Mrs. Twit had a frightful headache and there had been no sex for Mr. Twit for some weeks now. The government was threatening yet another suit to bust up Mr. Twit’s many, many conglomerates.

Cloned Co-eds

| April 13, 2015
Even in the fields of eugenics and DNA, few have heard of Dr. Stein. A year ago Wired Magazine printed a passing reference to him, dubbing the scientist, “The Poor Man’s God.” Intrigued, I tracked down Dr. Stein. Dr. Stein, 67, wears eyeglasses that are duct taped together and dresses in what appears to be thrift-shop clothing.

Top Dog

| April 13, 2015
The world’s most powerful man is the President of the United States. When you think of the President what is the first image that comes to your mind? Air Force One? Old Glory? The President chatting with the nation from the Rose Garden?

Make Fifty Bucks an Hour

| April 13, 2015
All you have to do is click on the following logo of PayPal. You fill in a few blanks and they deposit five dollar$ in your bank account. Make payments with PayPal – it’s fast, free and secure! (I, by the way, receive five bucks for your doing this. But you don’t pay me a cent.

Kissing Cousin

| April 13, 2015
Some people are blessed with many relatives. I am not. As a matter of fact, I only have four cousins, one of whom is a girl: Priscilla. She is the issue of my mother’s twin brother. When we were kids, Priscilla had a pet rabbit that ran away and I was blamed for releasing it. Because we are the children of twins, Priscilla and I probably share more DNA

If You Go Into The Woods Today

| April 13, 2015
Several years ago, an American hunter mistook two friends for a big game animal in northern Alberta. The hunter shot both men as they sat on a parked all-terrain vehicle. The hunter was cleared by local courts “of hunting in a manner endangering other persons.”

The natives got our Bibles.

| April 13, 2015
Recently my wife and I vacationed in Hawaii. I found a fascinating biography by Elder Trevrep, a missionary, who helped civilize the natives. Here is the preface to his book: Aloha! It turned out that we ran low on bibles after a few days. To be fair to the natives

Cell Sell Sex

| April 13, 2015
The cell phone, the world’s most ubiquitous communications tool, may be for taking, but what about making a sexual statement? Success in the business world is this millennium’s aphrodisiac. A male who announces within seconds of meeting the female that his net worth

Concorde Background

| April 13, 2015
Several readers have asked about the time I almost crashed the Concorde. Well, like most things I write—the better ones (I think) are based on my unusual but actual experiences. A few decades ago I was writing a screenplay for Andrew McLaglen. He is a world class director and the son..

Stupider Than a Speeding Bullet

| April 13, 2015
I thought about going for a spin on the Concorde when the famous plane was here for our air show last month but I was short of cash and besides I’ve already had the pleasure of flitting across the Atlantic on the craft. As a matter-of-fact it was aboard the Concorde that I was treated like an idiot and the captain pointed at me after we

Paradise Lost

| April 13, 2015
Compromise is the key to marriages and volcanoes. For example, my wife, Kate, who is a flight attendant, had three Maui trips back-to-back. She suggested I go with her. “Can we afford it?” I asked. “After all, we’re trying to live on your salary while I write the Great American Novel.”

High Fliers

| April 13, 2015
Timing. It’s everything. Take the case of the recent Concorde disaster. Many years ago my wife and I flew on it. Lots of fun. Had we taken the Concorde flight a few days ago, we would be dead. But we missed the ill-fated ride by at least a decade.

Shtick and Stones

| April 13, 2015
Dear Jaron Summers, After review by our legal department we have decided not to reinstate you as a contributor of Themestupid. We suspected you were a racist. Now we have proof since you have been posting articles on our system using several aliases in which you use …

Hong Kong

| April 13, 2015
Six years ago my wife and I visited an astonishing city: Hong Kong. Mirrored skyscrapers shimmered like silk. Wealth was everywhere. Except in broken shadows where harnessed coolies pulled rickshaws. My wife, Kate, says that Hong Kong swelters like a desert city without a beach.

Womb Mates

| April 13, 2015
I participated in two rituals recently. One was a sweat lodge ceremony on the plains of Alberta near Edmonton. The sweat lodge looks like an igloo made of hides or canvas. In it native North Americans conduct a series of rituals they have repeated for countless generations.

Secrets of Billionaires

| April 13, 2015
Who is the richest man on the planet? (Hint: it’s still Bill.) Who among you has illegal copies of Bill’s software? (I would guess 98 per cent of the people who read this.) Which brings us to the latest theory generated by my large brain: there is a link between having your work illegally

Eskimo Parrot

| April 13, 2015
In humor writing you have to be careful who you make fun of. I wrote a hilarious story about selling a house to a Mexican. I made fun of myself and my family. The story, as an added bonus and an example of my talent, was also poignant. I titled the story: ….

I, Hernia

| April 13, 2015
Hello, I am Jaron’s Hernia and this is my story. Hernia is Latin and made up of: “Her” and “Nia.” “Her” is Jaron’s wife, Kate, and she brought me into existence by complaining that their condo was leaking. This caused Jaron, clutching a hundred

Cyber Cash

| April 13, 2015
Cyberspace is filled with information. The great thing about owning information is you can sell it. Unlike a car, after you sell information you still have the information—plus you have more information about the people who bought it from you, so you have more information to sell and so on. I think Bill Gates picked the right area to get into.

Selling Digets

| April 13, 2015
On the Web, it’s a challenge to sell digets. Digets (rhymes with widgets) are anything with digital content ~ a book, a software program, information, art, music, etc. Cottage industry digeters are usually happy with a five or ten dollar sale…

Published Author

| April 13, 2015
And because most of us have a secret desire to be well-known and witty authors, there exists a vast network of sources ready to help us. You’ve seen the ads: a “reputable” New York or Toronto publisher is hunting for a few good writers. So you send in your manuscript—

Dog Dilemma

| April 13, 2015
Life is filled with dilemmas. The dog is four years old and is named Nike and belonged to my mother who died last year. My mother was 95 and as her only offspring I am the sole beneficiary and executor of her tiny estate. I’m in charge now. My wife and I inherited Mother’s house,

Dog Dilemma Two

| April 13, 2015
As readers will recall, after my mother died last year, I turned her home into a kennel for her beloved pup, Nike. He enjoyed my efforts but I worried he would get away and perish in cold weather or traffic. And Nike was lonesome. I could not take the adorable pup to Los Angeles with me because we cannot

No Juice, No Use

| April 13, 2015
Since I’ve had some luck writing screenplays, seldom a week goes by that a business person doesn’t offer me “a great motion picture idea.” These executives, many of whom have seen movies, all of whom wear mostly black clothing, attempt to induce me into writing their screenplay with offers of vast riches.

Homeopathic Psychology

| April 13, 2015
Our nephew Mandrake asked how my wife, Kate, and I managed to remain blissfully together for over two decades while many other couples wound up divorced. “Mandrake,” I said, “even though you are only nine years old, you are mature enough to learn certain basic marriage concepts.

Futur — Sound Like Hooter

| April 13, 2015
Cloning is close to the ultimate act of egotism. So is making love to yourself. They could have dire consequences when they collide. Hans Moravec is his book, “Mind Children” says we will soon copy our minds and inject those minds into a clone or even a computer.

Do Not Read

| April 13, 2015
From time to time loyal readers ask me questions. A WARNING. There is a question coming up that you may find offensive. I certainly don’t want to upset you by talking about what you may feel is a deplorable habit. So if you have never masturbated or you feel it is immoral, DO NOT READ any further.

When I Die

| April 13, 2015
My darling wife, Kate: Well, I’m gone now and you ended up with the houses, the cars, the bank accounts, my gold Rolex, all my new suits, my seven computers and everything I ever wrote. It goes without saying that you’ll miss me tremendously and although you may

For Love or Money

| April 13, 2015
Yesterday afternoon, Charlie Dumbkoff was terminated as CEO of Citibank after a billion dollars disappeared. From time to time, stories had circulated concerning Citibank’s involvement in money laundering, murder and excessively high interest rates on credit cards.

A Note from Mr. Roof Monitor

| April 13, 2015
To: My fellow condo residents: I am sorry about the tar on the stairs. Here is my explanation. It rained and our skylight leaked. Since we have a flat roof, your roof monitor (me) got in my car and drove down to the valley and bought five gallons of tar and some plastic sheeting. I managed to get some of the

It’s a Very Good Thing

| April 13, 2015
My friend, Martha Stew, invited me go shopping with her. As readers will recall it was Martha who taught me how to make her world famous pasta sauce. As we drove to the market, I asked Martha why it was that my sauce never seemed to taste as good as hers.”Your basic ingredients are stale,” explained the world’s greatest chef.

Chinese Chalk Talk

| April 13, 2015
My wife, Kate, is always buying things for our home that make no sense. We had ants; she bought some chalk to get rid of them. The chalk was made in China. I told her it was silly to think that chalk could rid us of ants. “Silly? Moi?” Kate asked, sweetly. Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly…

Pay Attention or Die

| April 13, 2015
Matthew Benson Applehead (MBA) had trouble peeing one night. Fearing he might be a diabetic, he ran to a nearby hospital. A passing car blinded him and while he was jabbering on his cell phone, a truck ran over him, killing him instantly. Bad luck, you say?

Be a Millionaire

| April 13, 2015
Many decent and fine folks who work from nine to five, seven days a week, will NEVER retire. They spend all their paychecks on food, clothing and housing. By the 22nd of each month, they run out of money and are forced to assume MASSIVE credit card DEBT to survive until their next meager paycheck.

Duck! The Sky is Falling in

| April 13, 2015
Get out while there is still time. The stock market will soon crash, so if you are in it, bail right now. As a matter-of-fact, the entire economy of the world is headed for a major meltdown. What amazing skills do I have that enables me to make such a prediction?

A New Direction for a Great Director

| April 13, 2015
Woody Allen is off to London. The world-famous New Yorker is set to direct his latest play, “Later-Yi,” in one of London’s newest boutique theaters. New York producers had nixed the play. “Later-Yi” is the poignant, yet hilarious story of what can go amiss when you fondle your stepchildren and later have

Whooping Moose

| April 13, 2015
Ten years ago, Dr. Erve, one of the world’s leading environmentalists, led a worldwide drive to save Canada’s whooping moose from extinction. The miniature moose, about the size of a rabbit, makes a sound similar to the whooping crane. There were forty-three of the small quadrupeds left on the planet.

The Final Day

| April 13, 2015
I’m a security guard. If I ever pass the police aptitude test, I’m going to be a full-fledged peace officer and then I can carry a gun. Just around midnight I was patrolling the South end of the city’s main nuclear generation facility when I observed this dude, dressed up like a friggin’ ninja, all in black, scaling the 15-foot cyclone

Bug Killer

| April 11, 2015
“Chip” Cursor was the first victim of the Millennium Bug in this century. On 01/01/00, I talked to Mr. Cursor in his hospital room where he was hooked up to life support. Mr. Cursor: Come back tomorrow. I’m expecting a call from my wife. Jaron: Your wife claims you went

Ho Ho Ho – Santa

| April 11, 2015
Christmas eve and the Ho-Ho-Ho boy is annoyed. Rudolph: What’s buggin’ you? Santa: You’ve been drinking again. Rudolph: Blizzard out there, Santa. Need a little antifreeze. Makes me lovable. Santa: You’re grounded.

The Last Lawsuit

| April 11, 2015
The year is AD 2027 and all but one of the millions of lawsuits precipitated by the Y2K bug have been settled. The plaintiff is Mr. Jaron Summers, a handsome elderly man with a warm, grandfatherly smile. He walks with graceful dignity using a silver cane, one of the innumerable gifts he’s received from royalty around the world.

The French Questions

| April 11, 2015
Although I have not spoken French for over 40 years, I remember all of it from junior high. (I was a child prodigy in romance languages.) Even my French teacher said I had an astonishing approach to linguistics. Curious she flunked me. Jealous, no doubt.

The Old Snake Bite Joke

| April 11, 2015
If penis jokes offend you — stop reading. What’d you know? You’re still with me. Good. Here goes: A rattlesnake bites Johnny on his John Henry. “Don’t panic,” says Johnny’s camping pal, “My trusty medical manual’ll tell us what to do

Don’t Box Me In

| April 11, 2015
My wife, whom I love dearly, has a box fetish.This is a tragic and deep-seated neurosis that is apparently part of her family’s DNA. It causes the females in her family to collect and hoard boxes, mostly cardboard. Over the past decade, Kate has crammed more and more boxes into our small condo and until last week there were so many in our bedroom that we could only make love in a south-by-southwestern configuration and only one participant had enough space to scream.

Magnets – Key to Immortaliy

| April 11, 2015
Soon we’ll be in a new century and a spanking new millennium. Most of you may find yourselves morosely wondering what you have done to change the world for the better. I, however, don’t have to fret because I invented something that had a profound imdpact on the human race.

Saving Gay Christians…

| April 11, 2015
Brother Fügenpacker was ever ready to assist widows and look after the homeless. Everyone in our congregation loved him in the truest sense of Christianity. Then Brother Fügenpacker took to wearing a skirt, along with matching high heels.

A Rose by Any Other Name

| April 11, 2015
When I was about 12 or 13, my mother told me that I was going to have problems when I reached puberty. “Why?” I asked. “The males on both side of our family take a long, long time to mature. Your father was almost 23 before he started to shave and my brother was a very late

Understanding the Female

| April 11, 2015
My wife, Kate, has this hormone imbalance thing. A lot of woman do. It caused us a few problems so we decided to see a marriage counselor. The marriage counselor, Dr. Seesaw, said that woman were from Venus and guys were from Mars. I asked Dr. Seesaw where she got her counseling degree? NASA, maybe?

Good & Grim News

| April 11, 2015
“I’m afraid, Mr. Evenkeel, I have both good and grim news for you,” Doctor Smith said softly to his patient. Evenkeel, who had been an eternal (albeit annoying) optimist most of his life, swallowed, then blinked in disbelief.

Brookheaven

| April 11, 2015
I’ve been using my large brain to hunt for a word to describe what happens when you have planned a great improvement for mankind and then, out of the blue, that improvement results in mayhem. “Blindsided” comes close, but it won’t do. Blindsided, while colourful, does not indicate that your misfortune happens due to your own tinkering.

Friends

| April 11, 2015
Charlie and Lucky were sitting in front of the hotel. It was a warm day, but soon it would be winter and neither one was looking forward to a chilly November or December. Charlie and Lucky were old friends and after they talked about the weather, Charlie (who was the younger by a few years) said that he had read that pets

Girl Talk – I am My Kid’s Nightmare

| April 11, 2015
Dr. Laura: I’m my kid’s mom and I’m here to share with you the importance of living high moral principles even if those around you call you a tattletale, goodie two-shoes or religious fanatic. We have Monica on the line. What’s your problem, Honey? Monica: I’m a sexual addict.

Studio Head

| April 11, 2015
The world’s most successful studio executive, Scot Squeegee, drove his new stretch Rolls Royce from his 60-room mansion in Bel Air to Streak Studios to view the rushes of: The Scot Squeegee Saga. According to reports in Daily Variety, The Scot Squeegee Saga was expected to play to sold-out crowds in theaters

A Sweet Investment – Part Two

| April 11, 2015
Chocolate. I love it. Forty years ago a Hershey chocolate bar cost five cents. The bar will cost $5.00 in 2017. The dollar won’t be worth squat. The chocolate will!

A Sweet Investment

| April 11, 2015
Kate: You remember when we were married? Jaron: Yes. Kate: Didn’t we agree that any time we contemplated purchases of over $500 we would discuss such an expense before it was incurred?

Sixty Minutes – and Counting

| April 11, 2015
Don Hewitt: We had a sensational show last week on 60 Minutes. How are we going to top it next Sunday? Mike Wallace: With a thought-provoking study of how dentists rip off old people when they do implants, starring yours truly. Lesley Stahl: Nice, very nice, Mike. I have an exposé on the way supermarkets cheat shoppers when they run pickles through scanners.

The Secret of Traveling Light

| April 11, 2015
We flew to Tahiti. As usual I had packed only a single flight bag. As usual my wife had overpacked, drastically. Tahiti is a Polynesian paradise. Why in the world would one want to take so much stuff?

The Price of an Ice Cream Cone – Funny Money in Asia

| April 11, 2015
When I was a kid, we could buy an ice cream cone (double scoop) for five cents. That was in the 50s. Now ice cream cones cost two bucks. Are they worth that much? To answer that question I will tell you two

The Art of Negotiation

| April 11, 2015
One of the many reasons I am so successful with my life is that I have studied how the masters of negotiations achieve spectacular results. There are three rules you must master if you are to come out ahead in a negotiation. Rule number one realize that the person

Jellybean Roulette – Put a Price on Your Life

| April 11, 2015
Three cheers for the human race: risk-takers whether we want to be or not. Exploring space, making love, brushing your teeth–all are fraught with degrees of risk. John Glenn has done all three. Three cheers for him. Because risk takers fascinate me, I invented the Jellybean Game.

Open Wide

| April 11, 2015
Since I had a brain tumor, I went to Dr. Ivey. He was a little crazy as most older dentists are. The reason for this is that people hate their dentists and after a lifetime of being hated, dentists turn a little crazy. Younger dentists are not crazy but they don’t know anything so it’s best to go to an older crazy dentist.

Kona Cat Diary

| April 11, 2015
We are in Kona for a few more days thanks to the cat. God bless that little creature. Our friends have a terrific place but they have wild chickens and of course roosters. They just woke me up.

Kona Kat 2 – S.O.S. from Hawaii

| April 11, 2015
A plea to all humans still alive. I managed to make another 12 cent film in Hawaii. I don’t know if I will be around to complete a third …. The felines have encircled the house here in Kona, they grow stronger each

Kona Kat – The Terrible Cat of Kona

| April 11, 2015
Greetings, we are out of Hollywood and in Hawaii. With luck we may return in time. In time for what I am not sure. The creature is back in Kona. The radiation did not kill him. It made him stronger and extremely dangerous to…

Betty’s Greatest Adventure

| April 3, 2015
“France is as beautiful as you promised,” said Betty Graham, skipping down the gang plank of the great ocean liner that had just brought her from America. “And autumn is the perfect season to meet her,” said Mademoiselle Ucret. During their Atlantic crossing, Mademoiselle Ucret had helped Betty

Adjal

| April 3, 2015
I was locking my office just after four on a hot July afternoon when her perfume hit me. Jasmine laced with lime. Only one kind of woman wears that potion—a blonde with curly ringlets like Shirley Temple made famous. I’m not related to Shirley, she just happens to have the same last name as me. Sight unseen,

The Missionary Position

| April 3, 2015
New Novel – Missionary Position –

Twenty-five years ago Mother died….

| March 12, 2015
Counting pennies, hating birds… I usually concentrate on writing humorous pieces. Recently, though, I haven’t felt like writing funny stuff, since I’ve been thinking a lot about the death of my mother, Pearl. I miss her. She was wise and funny and compassionate.

From Cash Flow to Ice Floe

| March 10, 2015
The $15 bungalow Mom and Dad bought half a century ago…. My parents purchased our Edmonton bungalow in 1963 for $15. My wife, Kate (who monitors me far too closely) read my note on our computer screen. “Fifteen dollars? You’ve lost it again,” she said.

Paradise Found

| November 21, 2014
They say nothing happened in Coronation. Maybe. But maybe that was before our little family arrived. I was born in 1942 in a Calgary parking lot. Well, in those days it was the General Hospital.

Stone Cold Freezer

| November 21, 2014
It took four men to carry it down our basement. My father plugged in our new freezer and opened the cavernous contraption. “I’ve heard,” said Dad, “that kids have gotten into things like this, closed the lid and perished.”

Arrow Pounder

| March 8, 2014
If you’re thinking of writing a screenplay or worse, carving out a career as a full-time screenwriter, you’re going to need an arrow pounder. Never heard “arrow pounder” amid such notions as “plot points” and “character arcs,” have you? Trust me every screenwriter needs an arrow pounder.